Pangs

HGTV has lost its charm for me. We don't have much of a cable selection as we're getting illegal cable for free and HGTV was always reliably enjoyable. But now that I am coming to terms with not winning the lottery and becoming a multimillionaire watching other people enjoy their homes or shopping for homes or getting amazing renovations is not really pleasant. I find myself thinking all kinds of venomous thoughts and this bitter bile builds up until I'm swearing like a drunken sailor at these idiot couples who continuosly fail to see past paint color or who turn down the fixer upper and go with the brand new construction, or who have more money than they know what to do with.

I feel like my father shouting at the tv with such vitriol. So I've been tuning in a lot less.

So I thought I'd leave lifetime television for battered women on the tube during the day for white noise while I did various and sundry. To be honest I was waiting for the repeat of Project Runway since I had to miss it on thursday night, but I am a lifetime movie junkie. I simply LOVE all that dysfunction.

But what came on? Not a delightful thriller about the babysitter seducing the husband or the dad sleeping with his own daughter or a jealously twisted young woman who tries to ruin shannen doherty's perfect life because she once lost a talent competition in third grade (love!) or some other tori spelling mash up of feelings, betrayal, and violence... no. Baby story.

And this reminded me of why I don';t watch lifetime in the day. I used to watch the baby programs ALL THE TIME! They USED to make me happy and pleasantly anticipatory. Now they make me feel dark and ominous feelings that I'd rather never experience.

If you thought my house envy was bad- look out! Here are people having babies half-hour after half-hour while I get older and more sure it will never happen for me. Ugh. It really does seem like most folks are having little bundles of whatever lately. Some people are having their second or third! And for a woman who wants a big family- I'm talking 6-8 kiddies-- watching others start their families or add on to their families is getting old really fast--- like my uterus!

NOT like this is an appropriate time to have a kidlet anyway. For Christ's sake, we live in a studio! I always quip to folks when they ask if we plan to have a baby anytime soon (and yes, how outrageous is that for folks to ask? UGH!), I always say: "Where would I keep the thing? Under the desk?"

So no. No kids. no baby story. no house. no millions.

No job. no money. no prospects really.

I start student teaching this week. I'm sure this blog will just heat up with all sorts of scandal. The lame ass kind of teacher's room scandal that makes for thrilling literature....

I'm hoping I'll be so thoroughly occupied that my mind will stop designing dream kitchens and in-law apartments. That I'll be able to think intellectually again instead of just in an obsessive-compulsive way about ho I'd spend and invest the millions won in the lottery.

Maybe I'll be able to tolerate reading a book again.

And hopefully I'll learn to be as happy as I ahould be with all the wonderful blessings I already have. Why isn't there a tv channel for that? Well, becasue that would be wretchedly boring I'm sure and make other folks as blindingly jealous as I have been for kitchen renovations and offspring.

I just don't feel like myself and I'm terrified of starting next week and I feel like an empty vessel.

I just spent a visit down the cape where I felt on edge and uncomfortable the entire duration. Like I was holding my breath. I had nothing interesting to contribute, nothing witty or even amusing. I was a dull guest. Luckily there seemed to be hundreds of babies and toddlers and children around to distract from my abysmal lack of conversation skills, and plenty of better homes & gardens magazines for me to escape into.

Until I win the millions I vow not to buy any more DIY type magazines. Fuck Kitchen Cabinetry. I have one. One kitchen cabinet. And that's the reality. And I love my little studio fo all its complications and stresses and tiny-ness. I'm going to put away the home design mags, the decoration idea books and all that other SHIT that is making me long for impossible things. Starting today I refuse to tune in to those silly channels.

And I think I might return the orange vinyl purse and glass doorknob I pilfered from my adventures in the house on Arlington street. REALLY say goodbye.