I heard from the real estate agent that the house has been sold. Maybe Aaron was right and I jinxed it by wanting it too much and returning time and again for more peeks and private tours.
As I stood at our tiny sink doing our too many dishes for two, I tried to accept the reality of the fact that I have always been a dreamer and those dreams haven't really been helpful at all.
We lost the house before we ever really had a chance to try for it.
In his text to me aaron writes: "Maybe it was a sign that we should start getting serious about getting a hhouse and really starting our life. There will be another house."
I have to have faith that there will, indeed, be another house. This was just a passing fancy one summer when we were on the brink of being grown-ups.
But the urge to scream and throw my dirty dishes instead of calmly wiping them clean and rinsing them off makes real the aching, bottomless pain I'm feeling at seeing something of our dream life fade away.
Next time I like a house I promise I won't jinx it. Like a little girl, superstitious, I will wait to tell anyone-- until I'm sure.
If there is a next time. More likely we'll settle on something subpar because we have to for one reason or another. Life is like that, isn't it? We'll be in a raised ranch in some tired little neighborhood without charm or grace, living on the top floor with my parents on the bottom- Aaron working himself to death to pay the too-high mortgage on a house we don't particularly like and felt pressured into buying.
Maybe we'll move away. I'm beginning to like that idea alot.
I dread seeing the house on Arlington street subdivided into apartments and whored out for people who couldn't care less about the home's original charm and beauty and ... oh who the hell cares?
Friday, July 31, 2009
Sometimes life gets a little to busy to blog- but I've made a commitment and though I've missed a day or so, here I am, back again to unload all my emotional baggage into the vacuum of cyberspace!
After telling Jeff all about the house on Arlington St., he offered to go an take pictures. We did just that. It was an adventure and a great day. In the hot august-like swelter of midmorning we ventured first into the carriage house and then into the home itself. It feels as if it is mine already- a dangerous and foolish notion that is bound to break my heart.
When I showed the pictures to a dubious Michelle- my sister who is always practical and level headed, I watched her face carefully to try to read it. I was already a little depresses and down because of our recent phone conversation-- I was walking around Lowe's dreaming of kitchen remodeling for the fixer-upper dream home and she was leveling some stern and practical words to the wise.
I came home with an armful of kitchen and bath magazines and went on a wonderful trip to New Hampshire with Aaron to deliver taffy! The ride consisted of me trying to subtly talk kitchens and remodeling and "can we pleeeeeease buy a house we can't possibly afford?" and texting my brother about the insanity of Glenn Beck.
By the time I went to Michelle's for dinner I'd had a tiff with Danny, a tiff with Aaron, and had just about given up on support for the House. Michelle had intimated that Mum had told her how much work the house would need and nothing more. In other words: It's nice to dream Beth, but sometime or other you'll have to just grow up.
So I watched her face with a mixture of guarded detatchment and eager nerves. I peeked over her shoulder and peppered in comments and excuses and qualifying statements. "You can't tell from the pictures but the carriage house is HUGE! It's a house unto itself..." or "It would need work, obviously, but there's already electricity and plumbing running to it, so I think it's doable", and "Aaron and I always wanted a fixer-upper!" or "Oh yeah, the kitchen is a total gut-job; well that's where the water damage is-- must have been a burst pipe..."
For what seemed like an eon she said nothing, only nodded or tsked or expressed with her eyebrows. I felt again like the little girl with the barbie house, like I was being patiently endured, indulged.
When she was ahlfway through the photos she stopped and looked at me and in a barely-more-than-whispered hush she said to me: "I almost think you HAVE to go for it!"
So I'm not as crazy as all that. Or maybe the house makes us all crazy...
After telling Jeff all about the house on Arlington St., he offered to go an take pictures. We did just that. It was an adventure and a great day. In the hot august-like swelter of midmorning we ventured first into the carriage house and then into the home itself. It feels as if it is mine already- a dangerous and foolish notion that is bound to break my heart.
When I showed the pictures to a dubious Michelle- my sister who is always practical and level headed, I watched her face carefully to try to read it. I was already a little depresses and down because of our recent phone conversation-- I was walking around Lowe's dreaming of kitchen remodeling for the fixer-upper dream home and she was leveling some stern and practical words to the wise.
I came home with an armful of kitchen and bath magazines and went on a wonderful trip to New Hampshire with Aaron to deliver taffy! The ride consisted of me trying to subtly talk kitchens and remodeling and "can we pleeeeeease buy a house we can't possibly afford?" and texting my brother about the insanity of Glenn Beck.
By the time I went to Michelle's for dinner I'd had a tiff with Danny, a tiff with Aaron, and had just about given up on support for the House. Michelle had intimated that Mum had told her how much work the house would need and nothing more. In other words: It's nice to dream Beth, but sometime or other you'll have to just grow up.
So I watched her face with a mixture of guarded detatchment and eager nerves. I peeked over her shoulder and peppered in comments and excuses and qualifying statements. "You can't tell from the pictures but the carriage house is HUGE! It's a house unto itself..." or "It would need work, obviously, but there's already electricity and plumbing running to it, so I think it's doable", and "Aaron and I always wanted a fixer-upper!" or "Oh yeah, the kitchen is a total gut-job; well that's where the water damage is-- must have been a burst pipe..."
For what seemed like an eon she said nothing, only nodded or tsked or expressed with her eyebrows. I felt again like the little girl with the barbie house, like I was being patiently endured, indulged.
When she was ahlfway through the photos she stopped and looked at me and in a barely-more-than-whispered hush she said to me: "I almost think you HAVE to go for it!"
So I'm not as crazy as all that. Or maybe the house makes us all crazy...
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Guest!
I didn't sleep easy last night. We had a ton of cleaning left to do but the butterflies and snakes in my belly were so persistent and all-consuming that I decided to "rest", which turned into watching MST3K and falling asleep. The butterflies? A mild panic attack I'm pretty sure.
I want the house. We want to start our lives. It isn't going to happen anytime soon. life is setting me up for some kind of big lesson, but as I can already see it coming the meanwhile is so bitter and painful that I ache and long and yearn and ache. When I was a little girl I was sure it was the rectory... now its Arlington Street, and neither seems to be meant to be!
Yesterday, the 27th, was our anniversary- 12 years together. I know we have a wedding anniversary now too, but I don't like the idea of just forgetting this one, though that's precisely what we did!
Instead of doing something romantic to commemorate the day we had Jeff over! What a blast! We made delicious food, engaged in irreverent conversation, daydreamed aloud and then played an assortment of games.
12 years. We're ready for a house. We're ready for a family. and yet we're not.
It was great to have Jeff over. He always makes us dream and hope and reach for all our potential. Tonight I'll dream of big old houses, of candy shoppes and little kids with Aaron's eyes, of joy and kitchens and lavender and taffy.
I want the house. We want to start our lives. It isn't going to happen anytime soon. life is setting me up for some kind of big lesson, but as I can already see it coming the meanwhile is so bitter and painful that I ache and long and yearn and ache. When I was a little girl I was sure it was the rectory... now its Arlington Street, and neither seems to be meant to be!
Yesterday, the 27th, was our anniversary- 12 years together. I know we have a wedding anniversary now too, but I don't like the idea of just forgetting this one, though that's precisely what we did!
Instead of doing something romantic to commemorate the day we had Jeff over! What a blast! We made delicious food, engaged in irreverent conversation, daydreamed aloud and then played an assortment of games.
12 years. We're ready for a house. We're ready for a family. and yet we're not.
It was great to have Jeff over. He always makes us dream and hope and reach for all our potential. Tonight I'll dream of big old houses, of candy shoppes and little kids with Aaron's eyes, of joy and kitchens and lavender and taffy.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Adventure
Aaron and I had a fun adventure today. He was feeling restless so we decided to go play minigolf. We toyed with the idea of going right down the street to the adorably stuck-in-the-fifties Par 3, walking there and maybe getting an italian ice or milkshake at good days, but in the end decided upon a grander scheme. Aaron decided he wanted to go play mini golf at a grand mini golf paradise with pirates and waterfalls and all the bells and whistles. He had seen such a place on his taffy delivery yesterday, so into White Thunder (our buick, gift from Danny and Rachel and a blessing indeed!), and off we set to the cape!
So, apparently, had everyone else. It was about 11 am and the roads to the cape were crazy congested. As we had no appointments to meet we didn't mind the pace. It was all about the adventure. Here's the thing about us: we like to take drives together. Many people hate driving places but as long as we're together driving is a breeze. We'd rather drive to a faraway destination than fly because we so thoroughly enjoy one another's company.
We went to a great little candy shop in Orleans a couple of hours later. We checked out all the touristy things like kitschy mugs and superfluous lighthous magnets. It was fun to see all the taffy he'd delivered the day before out on display and ready to buy! We got cranberry honey and chocolate covered cranberries.
We never found the pirate golf. But we drove and drove. We drove all the way to P-town, we drove to the ocean. We drove through dunes and tiny cape side streets. We drove and talked and laughed and ate at a mexican restaurant and a pizza place and we drove and drove and drove.
We never made it to mini golf at al, not even little Par 3 right down the street. Maybe tomorrow. Today was quite enough of an adventure and quite full enough even without minigolf!!
It really felt like my first day of summer, and I am happy.
So, apparently, had everyone else. It was about 11 am and the roads to the cape were crazy congested. As we had no appointments to meet we didn't mind the pace. It was all about the adventure. Here's the thing about us: we like to take drives together. Many people hate driving places but as long as we're together driving is a breeze. We'd rather drive to a faraway destination than fly because we so thoroughly enjoy one another's company.
We went to a great little candy shop in Orleans a couple of hours later. We checked out all the touristy things like kitschy mugs and superfluous lighthous magnets. It was fun to see all the taffy he'd delivered the day before out on display and ready to buy! We got cranberry honey and chocolate covered cranberries.
We never found the pirate golf. But we drove and drove. We drove all the way to P-town, we drove to the ocean. We drove through dunes and tiny cape side streets. We drove and talked and laughed and ate at a mexican restaurant and a pizza place and we drove and drove and drove.
We never made it to mini golf at al, not even little Par 3 right down the street. Maybe tomorrow. Today was quite enough of an adventure and quite full enough even without minigolf!!
It really felt like my first day of summer, and I am happy.
Friday, July 24, 2009
As Promised
Well I said I'd do it every damn day so here I am, sitting in front of the lappy, still half buzzed from the end of Shakespeare Intensive Party, writing a blog post.
Oh I had had such high hopes for the second installment of my recently reinstated blog but those hopes have gone out the window. Instead of waxing poetic all I can muster is a giddy, half-looped :Woooohoooooooooo!!!! YAYYYYYYY!! I never could have guessed that a one week intensive could be so... well, INTENSE!
Ah. Summer at last. And 4 credits closer to the Master's Degree.
The morning was rough. I was almost paralyzed with the anxiety of having to perform my monologue today. Crazy, I know. Irrational? Certainly. Silly? Admittedly. But there it is. After years of formal training I still get stage fright-- I think it was tied in to the high esteem in which I hold my peers in the class. I got myself all worked up because I wanted to prove worthy.
I think I did.
The relief has made me giddy. The pair of margaritas made me delighted!
And I may or may not have taken another unauthorized tour of that house I want to but... sigh.
Oh I had had such high hopes for the second installment of my recently reinstated blog but those hopes have gone out the window. Instead of waxing poetic all I can muster is a giddy, half-looped :Woooohoooooooooo!!!! YAYYYYYYY!! I never could have guessed that a one week intensive could be so... well, INTENSE!
Ah. Summer at last. And 4 credits closer to the Master's Degree.
The morning was rough. I was almost paralyzed with the anxiety of having to perform my monologue today. Crazy, I know. Irrational? Certainly. Silly? Admittedly. But there it is. After years of formal training I still get stage fright-- I think it was tied in to the high esteem in which I hold my peers in the class. I got myself all worked up because I wanted to prove worthy.
I think I did.
The relief has made me giddy. The pair of margaritas made me delighted!
And I may or may not have taken another unauthorized tour of that house I want to but... sigh.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
It has literally been years since my last post.
Sheesh.
A great deal has happened in that space of time. Only a few days after my last post my high school sweetheart and I eloped, on New Years Day 2007 and we have been most happily married since. 2 years of marriage, but with 12 years together under our belt! Holy Mackerel.
Lets see. Since the end of the tour I have completed my BFA in Musical Theatre- which I accomplished by taking all my required classes ONLINE- quite an experience, let me tell you. I WISH I had had the presence of mind to blog about THAT! And right from completion of that degree I rolled right into Graduate School!
I now attend Emerson College in Boston, studying to be a Master of Theatre Education! This fall I'll be student teaching and then thrust into the job market after two years of persistently avoiding it!
I sure do seem to have a fondness for exclamation points, don't I?
Life had been very good, very fun, very challenging and pretty damn full. Pleanty of ups and downs, but I have a knack for remembering mostly the 'ups' and blocking out the 'downs'- I think this is the Irish in me-- it drives my husband a bit bananas when we have an argument and he insists we've had the argument before and I just can't seem to recall such a thing!
Anyway, just wanted to get all the exposition out of the way so I can start fresh with this blog. The goal is to write a little every day- and I DO mean a little, just to keep in practice-- a friend's blog is like that and it serves him well, so I'm going to take a crack at it.
The nice thing about this is this: I don't think anyone's watching anymore, so for a little while at least, I'm going to feel like a kid playing pretend-- uninhibited and free to do as I please. I will probably also dress up in funny hats and curtains whilst I do it.
So there it is. A way to process the happenings of everyday life instead of abandoning them forever to the ether-- capturing a little bit of ephemera and translating it into the blogosphere.
Fun!
Right now I have to get ready for class. I'm taking a one-week intensive on Teaching Shakespeare! Today we'll be practicing our teaching skill and learning from the Master (Maureen Shea) while we take turns exploring and performing our monologues. GULP!
Sheesh.
A great deal has happened in that space of time. Only a few days after my last post my high school sweetheart and I eloped, on New Years Day 2007 and we have been most happily married since. 2 years of marriage, but with 12 years together under our belt! Holy Mackerel.
Lets see. Since the end of the tour I have completed my BFA in Musical Theatre- which I accomplished by taking all my required classes ONLINE- quite an experience, let me tell you. I WISH I had had the presence of mind to blog about THAT! And right from completion of that degree I rolled right into Graduate School!
I now attend Emerson College in Boston, studying to be a Master of Theatre Education! This fall I'll be student teaching and then thrust into the job market after two years of persistently avoiding it!
I sure do seem to have a fondness for exclamation points, don't I?
Life had been very good, very fun, very challenging and pretty damn full. Pleanty of ups and downs, but I have a knack for remembering mostly the 'ups' and blocking out the 'downs'- I think this is the Irish in me-- it drives my husband a bit bananas when we have an argument and he insists we've had the argument before and I just can't seem to recall such a thing!
Anyway, just wanted to get all the exposition out of the way so I can start fresh with this blog. The goal is to write a little every day- and I DO mean a little, just to keep in practice-- a friend's blog is like that and it serves him well, so I'm going to take a crack at it.
The nice thing about this is this: I don't think anyone's watching anymore, so for a little while at least, I'm going to feel like a kid playing pretend-- uninhibited and free to do as I please. I will probably also dress up in funny hats and curtains whilst I do it.
So there it is. A way to process the happenings of everyday life instead of abandoning them forever to the ether-- capturing a little bit of ephemera and translating it into the blogosphere.
Fun!
Right now I have to get ready for class. I'm taking a one-week intensive on Teaching Shakespeare! Today we'll be practicing our teaching skill and learning from the Master (Maureen Shea) while we take turns exploring and performing our monologues. GULP!
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