Ms. Reardon Has a meltdown

They say there's no one busier than a first time mother.  As I've never been a mother, I can't speak to that.  But I'd like to put a word in here for first time teachers.

Holy Hell, is this hard.

I feel like I can't get caught up with all the things I'm supposed to do, never mind get ahead!  There's always something that needs doing, always something that needs seeing to, always something i've forgotten about or failed to do or neglected to complete.  And on top of all the paperwork, there are actual living human beings who need my help, my guidance, my instruction, my support, my attention, my positive or negative reinforcement, my everything.

I am so exhausted at the end of every day that it is all I can do to eat a dinner (usually some form of takeout which is awful, but I'm way too beat to even think about cooking, let alone DO it!) cuddle with the hubs and try try try to get work done before my head crashes to the pillow.

This week has felt brutal.  Right now I'm sitting here in my classroom, waiting for an OPEN HOUSE, and moments ago I was bawling my eyes out on the phone to Aaron, my number one cheerleader/coach/mentor/pillar-of-strength.

I feel unequal to the job.

I love the kids.  I love them.  I like them.  I like being their teacher.  But I am so goddamned worried that I am failing them, letting them down, sabotaging their education because I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!  and I CAN'T DO THIS JOB!!!!!

There's a possibility, also, that perhaps my meds need some adjustment.  But these are real concerns.  I feel like I fuck up hardcore everyday.  Like I'm not able to organize my thoughts well enough to help all my students.

I can't finish this right now.  I have already splashed cold water on my face and turned off the Damien Rice.  I need to get my shit together and get into the right headspace to meet parents.To smile and be pert, and try to shrug off the fact that I didn't get to shower this morning because my fucking alarm didn't go off, and try to be at peace with the fact that I'm all broken out and didn't have time to do make-up (see: Alarm issue), and try to breath and quell my raging neuroses for the evening, because I have a fucking SHOW to do.

Today we had some professional development and at one point I mentioned that my perspective was that of the arts... later the facilitator asked me about it.  Asked what my discipline was.  I told him theatre and he asked if I was in anything right now.  As if a teacher has time to also be an actor.  I smiled and told him regretfully 'no, not right now', and mentioned that i'll be teaching a drama elective here soon.  This is when a colleague joked that of course I was in a show, I have four performances a day!  How true it is.  And four shows a day folks, of improv?  It's fucking exhausting.

And if i could get some applause at the end of every class, would that kill anyone?

So i don't know about first time mothers, and maybe my bestie can speak to that, as she is both a first time mother AND a first time teacher (yipes!), but this feels alot like having 90 children all at once.  Ninety-uplets.  Thank heavens they're potty trained.  And thank Christ I don't have to make room in my apartment for them!

Wish me luck at open house.

Ms. Reardon, Room 205

So!

I have officially survived a week and a half.  Survived, but not quite thrived.  Not a total disaster, which is, in itself, a victory.

I love these kids.  honestly.  Love them to pieces.  Love their teen angst and their urban toughness, their glorious ignorance and their unabashed enthusiasm for life hidden behind requisite teenaged disinterest! 

I am happy to be in my job.  A week ago at this time I was trying to figure out what I would do when I quit.  I suppose I'll have many such highs and lows.  Later today I will correct their first writing assignment and likely blanch with grief and woe. 

But I am surviving.

Keep you posted on the thriving.

In other news, I just had Peapod deliver my groceries!  More expensive than the bucket, but well worth the fact that I didn't have to take time out of my day to go to the fucking supermarket!

Only downside I've noticed so far is the four cartons of white mushrooms that found their way into my order, unasked for and unappreciated.  I am going to give them to my sisterinlaw, as she eats mushrooms and I do not. 

Ms. Reardon's Big Debut

Today was long and rather overwhelming.  And that was with no kids!  Tomorrow they all come back to school and it is sink or swim for Ms. Reardon, first year english teacher.

Jesus Christ.

I am feeling like I don't have a fucking clue.  Or, well, more accurately, like I have several assorted scraps of clues, but that the mystery is still very puzzling and no clear picture is emerging.  I feel like I'm being pulled in a hundred different direction, I feel underinformed, underprepared, underqualified, and under a hugely crushing amount of pressure.

Boy will I have a lot to talk about with my therapist tomorrow afternoon!

My loved ones are assuring me that I CAN do this, that I will succeed, that I will learn as I go and that I will not only survive, but thrive.

I wish, I really really really wish I had their confidence in me.  God, I feel like I'm stumbling blind.  I just don't feel ready.  I tried to prepare, I really did, but as the day approaches, I just don't think I prepared adequately!!

EEEEEEEK!!

And don't even get me started on how this job\career HAS to work out.  Goodness.  Talk about pressure.  I don't really have the luxury of deciding this isn't for me and starting some other career.  I quite literally can't afford to suck at this and get fired. 

So it's time to suck it up, learn mighty fast, and fake it till I make it.  God help me and god help those kids.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I start my CAREER in just a few days!  AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I am so, so, so, so, so, soooooo nervous! and Excited.  But mostly freaking out!

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like I'm cramming before a huge test.  Wading through site after site of how-to guides to teaching, sifting through online lesson plans, grappling with the curriculum required by the nation, the state, and the system.  I am trying, struggling, to incorporate what feels like a thousand different strands, and somehow form a cohesive unit plan, and then ALSO try to figure out a way to teach it that is engaging, exciting, alive, and effective.

I just may be grasping at something well beyond my reach. 

Oh heavens.  I have this image of me floundering before a sea of skeptical, disinterested, unenthusiastic or openly hostile eighth graders.  Of every lesson bombing.  Tanking.  Of standing in front of them and not knowing what the fuck to do with them.

I really need this job...

And they really need an English teacher capapble of guiding them to success!

Christ almighty.

What have I gotten myself into?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!