Mum is in the hospital. Dad is barely better off. Every day seems to take them closer to peril in many ways, including financial, and I'm not in any position to do a damn thing to help.

I got a call back from the real estate agent today who encouraged me to put in a back-up offer on 40 Arlington street.

Aaron says forget it.

The numbers say forget it.

I'm so depressed I wish I could just disappear completely.

I didn't think it would hurt this much. But here I am, after I thought I'd moved on, weeping and crying "why me?" to the universe.

I don't know. I don't know anymore.

If it's meant to happen? I'm wondering if maybe we have to be less passive about our fate and be instead proactive. MAKE things happen.

Aaron is being so lazy and stand-offish about his own destiny that it is driving me crazy. I just want him to feel passionately, to have drive and to CARE and to MOVE. I know he's guarding himself and I know he has good reason, but he has so much talent and potential that my hear is ready to burst watching him sit here, not DOING what he's meant to be doing.

I want to disappear. I want to go back to Northeastern and do it all over. Until I saw this damned house I was content and even proud of all my life choices and achievements. Now I regret so much. and I hate feeling this way. If I'd just done it the way I was "supposed" to do it, we'd be ready to buy that damned house.

Now, because of all my detours we're missing the opportunity by just 'this' much. And my parents are sick and unable to care for themselves and I can't do anything but drive them to the hospital and watch them decline.

christ. I just want to disappear.