Wake Up

I've never been like this... so certain that I had a real, honest-to-goodness shot at winning the lottery. And then so miserably devastated when I fail to do so.

It is sick. Sick in the head. delusional.

But SOMEONE WILL WIN, right? Why not me? Why is it always happening to someone else?

I don't know. I swore up and down that I'd be done if I didn't win last night I'd stop playing. Get over the fairytale dream and start working myself into the grave like every other average irish catholic lower-middle-class proletarian on the south shore of Massachusetts.

Then I won the bonus ball........ again.

Which means I have 2 more $s to try again.

And now the Jackpot is 207 million.

I don't know. I woke up so bitterly disappointed and grumpy and let down. I took my parents into boston yesterday for their final hearing on my dad's workman's comp claim. He ended up settling for what he calls "peanuts", and it will be a struggle for them to make it even a year on the settlement. A year. That's all the time I have to get enough money together to but a house with an inlaw apartment. Or what? They starve? They lose their house? I really don't know. I just kept praying for a Miracle from sun up until 11:30 when my tickets just didn't match those damn numbers.

And I have to spend all fall student teaching, which equals zero income. I know what you might be thinking: get an night & weekend job. Nice thought. And were I a normal student teacher I probably would do so. However I am a DRAMA teacher. So after an entire unpaid day of drama teaching I get to go to nights of unpaid rehearsal too! To be honest, I wouldn't want to miss the rehearsals even if I could- because that's where SO much happens- that's where the real creativity and life is... the thing that helps you muddle through days where most kids picked the class for an easy elective and could give a shit about theatre and what you have to say.

Plus, the more directorial credits on the resume the better chance I have for landing a drama job of my own.

Look. most people struggle to make ends meet. they work hard at jobs they hate in order to earn money. Looking for a miracle or an easy way out or the path of least resistance is pretty futile. I'll think about cashing in my megaball dollars for two more chances, but that's it. not a penny more. no more buying seven dollars worth because seven is lucky; no more buying just a few at any convenience store I happen to stop at because you never know ehrer the luck lives; no more pinning my future on something that is about as likely as prince charming marrying me and making me a princess (do you think Prince charming would marry both myself AND Aaron?- Aaron is a sexy fellow and could sure please a prince...).

Everytime I think I'm all grown up I find myself all wrapped up in day dreams and fantasy.

Like my blog friend wrote in his blog recently- here's an amazing piece of advice that's been echoing in my mind for days now: "If you want to make your dreams come true: Wake Up!"