There's been a lot of talk lately about changing one's attitude, shifting one's outlook, being more 'positive', and such like.

This is a theory I've been struggling with since puberty. To bitch or not to bitch, that is the question.

Make yourself a better person simply by changing your outlook-- instead of jumping first to the negative, make an effort to see the positive. Make yourself a better person by thinking proactively, instead of as a victim.

While I think it never hurts to see things in a positive light, I think I've come to the conclusion that my first reaction is always valuable. Perhaps it isn't always right, and usually it isn't a positive hearts-and-sunshine response to a givent event or circumstance, but you know what? It's usually pretty fucking funny.

I realized that my sense of humor is tied inextricably with my gut reactions to things, and when I immediately try to sweep that instinct under the rug I become a nicer person, perhaps, but a far duller one too. And instead of finding some magical perspective that cures all my ills and makes my life one happy success-fest, instead I tend to feel like a slow-witted moron and quite a dull party guest.

Now this is not saying that ALL my reactions to everything are negative, bitchy, mean-spirited or cruel! Certainly not! Some sure are. I'm a theatre person and a fag-hag, I have some sharp claws, folks. No, the real troubly was that fundamental step wherein I was mistrusting my own voice and shutting down my central=processing-unit and re-routing all synapses to fucking The-Power-Of-Positive-Thinking central, where everything is a bit more cookie-cutter, a bit more bland, and a lot more lame.

So now I let myself have those reactions that make me ME, and then I analyze deeper and look at more sides. But viscera is where I live. Sure it makes a fool out of me, sure I'm wrong alot, yes I fly off the handle and absolutely I am fucking hilarious when I do it.

The trouble is, of course, that sometimes I do fall victim to too much negativity, to much cynnicism, too much bile. Its a mood shift thing. And in those cases sure, one has to stop and say "Why the fuck am I always so goddomn crabby?" That's no fun. For you or anyone around you. Because that was a re-routing to grumpy-town, which is just as boring and lame as the happy-town place.

So just try to know you and what you think about things. But don't throw away your unique, your singular point-of-view for anything. That's fake, and any happiness it brings will likely be hollow and superficial.