Message on a Magnet

Its slow right now. Not a single customer in almost two hours.

I had breakfast with my mom. This is going to sound weird, but I have this suspicion that one of my siblings has advised her not to give me any more money. Perhaps I'm paranoid, but I really think she's trying to do the 'push the bird out of the nest' thing.

Not that I had any intention of ASKING for more. Even though I need it. It makes me feel awful borrowing from her when I know I should be giving HER money.

Whatever.

I really like it here. Makes me want to have a shop. But when no custies frequent for hours at a time I think: nah, opening a biz is not for me.

I'm doing my best not to panic. Not to let difficult circumstances ruin my life. But I don';t really have a "productive" mode when it comes to this shit. I either stress out till I'm sick and miserable OR I ignore it utterly and live my life as though nothing were wrong. Where's that middle ground- that determined get-shit-done attitude?

The teacher I was subbing for yesterday had a little magnet with a message (don't all teachers have little magnets with messages?), and it read: "Sometimes you just have to leap, and build your wings on the way down."

Whoa, right? A great sentiment. But terrifying. I must have read it and re-read it a dozen or more times throughout the day.

where should I leap, or have I already leapt? This certainly feels like a free-fall alright.

And what, praytell, am I supposed to build my wings out of? Maybe if I am clever and crafty I can string together all my unpaid bills and overdue notices ;) There certainly seem to be enough to make a decent pair of wings.

All I am certain of at this point is that I love my husband, my family (even if they ARE advising Tough Love from my mum... we'll see), my close friends, and most of who I am as a person. Sure I need work, and maybe my sister is right and this is a real character building time for me. Maybe I will really learn to take charge of all the aspects of my life- no matter how difficult and painful and pain-in-the-ass-ish, and unfair, suck it up, and become an adult.

Maybe I'll build those wings. Or at least a make-shift parachute so the landing isn't fatal.

This week I'll be applying to a job I really want (but know the competition will be beyond stiff), and I have decided to also apply in general for B-rock.

C'mon wings...