Glee Auditions

Double post today because I've been slacking, and because I am pretty bored.

I'm all caught up on the TV shows I like to watch, Have already wasted several good hours playing my video game today, and am now just sitting in proximity to Aaron while he plays his video game obsessively. This is what a well-wasted saturday feels like. "Forget your troubles, C'mon get happy..."

No dishes have been done. No Laundry either. Just a lazy, lethargic, lascivious saturday of nothingness.

So I started watching the GLEE audition videos. I know a few folks who've done it.

And for the most part they made me sad and embarrassed and just feel awkward.

They made me want to go into anything other than my field of choice.

If I hear\see one more super-clean, super-privileged ginger girl singing "rehab" I might vomit.

If I endure one more off-key, low-energy, stiff-souled rendition of " lean on me" from boys so far in the closet they're finding christmas presents, I might shank a kitten.

For every 15 awful videos you might find one "gem". But is this gem, when held to the light of brutal scrutiny, really a winner? Is this person really worthy of being on GLEE?

And the thing is this: I know there have got to be more talented folks out there dying for a chance at this! I know alot of them personally! My passion is for this feild and this type of thing- let the little guy have a chance at their dreams, but C'mon! I kept asking the people in the videos: "Have you ever SEEN Glee????!!!!"

Cuz if You HAVE seen glee you should be upbeat, energetic, dynamite, able to belt, able to sing on key, charismatic, able to keep a beat, able to move, attractive (at least somehwat), ENERGETIC<>

Please make a video that is not looking up your nostrils at uber close range. As Aaron pointed out: "When has that camera angle ever, in the history of anything, worked for anyone-- except Blair Witch?"

And don't mess up. Don't mess up. Re-record the video. You have one shot at this, but it isn't fucking LIVE, it is a digital recording, so don't be lazy or cavalier about it, re-record it, get it right. nail it.

In general here are some audition tips for all y'all.

Put on some makeup. Not alot of make-up, and definitely not too much make-up, but put on a little something to show you at your best. Have you seen web-cam chic? That lighting in your bedroom and from your laptop is not doing you any favors.

Stand the Fuck up. Don't sing sitting on your bed or at your desk. Get the hell of your ass and give an audition. * But please make sure you have positioned the camera in such a way that we are not looking up at your double chin, or worse- don't cut your whole head out of the shot. We need to see you.

Attack that song. Don't start off wishy-washy, unsure, ore wavery. People will click that "X" so quick your head will spin. YOU HAVE TO GRAB US RIGHT AWAY.

* Now, attacking a song does not necessarily mean BELT FROM TOP TO BOTTOM, please consider some musicality, some phrasing, some SOMETHING other than YELLING at us the whole time. YOU WILL PROLLY GO OFF KEY IF YOU PUSH YOUR BELT THE WHOLE TIME

Which brings me to the next helpful hint: Sing on key. Do it. I know it isn't easy for all of us, but you really really really have to sing on key for your AUDITION FOR GLEE.

SMILE. Honestly. I don't know if you think it is cooler not to smile, or that smiling is cheese, but SMILE. Have you seen glee? Do yourself and US a favor, throw us some charm. SMILE.

Those are my basic hints and tips. Oh, and wear something that looks good on you. Not something that makes you look slutty. Not something that covers you all up like a bigh black emo sack. And do your hair in such a way that it is flattering and will not get in your way or need constant attention.

Ugh.

And if you are super white, have no natural rythym or soul, then please choose an appropriate song for you. We do not need to see you trying but failing to look soulful or urban singing Rehab, Lean on Me, and definitely, absolutely, positively and no exceptions: do not sing "And I am telling you". Don't do it. Unless you are some heaven-created exception to the rule (like that little tubby red-head 10 year old from America's got Talent), then you MUST NOT SING that song, whitey, don't don't don't, don't. Hey Charlotte from Sex & The City, you might have a pretty good voice, a good look, and some talent, but you chose the worst possible song to showcase it all, because instead of saying: wow, this girl is talented, all I'm saying is : "Wow, this girl is WHITE." (Aaron made me watch the whole thing. It really HEATS UP at the end. It's good if your voice breaks during the 'riff' right?")

That little girl was amazing though wasn't she?

Oh, Final rule: Don't Sing "Don't rain on my parade". I know you want to do it. You've loved Babs since you were two, you've been a musical theatre geek since pre-school and that song just SUMS YOU UP! Yeah, well you and every other girl who watches glee, you idiot. I know its one of the suggestions, but it will not do you any favors to choose that unless you are SMOKIN, and you know what? I've determined that even if you are above average, that isn't good enough to make a web-cam acapella version of Don't rain on my parade sound as good as it need to be to erase comparisons to Barbra or even the LEAD GIRL ON GLEE who rocked it fairly efficiently already. DON"T Set your moderately-talented amateur self up for unfavorable comparisons. It isn't smart.

**And if you can't handle\tackle\own the line: "If someone takes a spill its me and not you!", then I shut the video off right there. you failed. Don't tackle that song if you can't handle that line with some skill, charisma, humor, or style.**

DO: Be confident (not cocky), ENERGETIC (Have you seen glee? it isn't REALISM folks, it isn't underwhelming, mumble-core TWILIGHT-style acting) Positive (not fake), Warm (but not sexy), Charismatic (not crazy please watch the 'monologue' portion of this submission for details.), and BE YOURSELF, only THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF POSSIBLE (who also sings on key, looks good on camera and smiles beautifully!)

And... Break a leg! Believe it or not, I'm actually ROOTING FOR YOU TO DO WELL!

You're Welcome Gleeks.