Believe

It's the Great Blog Experiment, Charlie Brown!

And presently?  It looks like I'm a lonely believer.

But I'll sit here in my blog patch by moonlight, chilly but reverent, believing in the magic and the power.

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Speaking of magic and power.  Thursdays are tough for me.  the hardest day of the week, easily.  becaus eI have In-School Suspension with Wee Willy McTaintface, followed by Thursday night drama.  It bot feels like and IS the longest day of the week for me.

And today, after some really outrageous and completely unnecessary drama at the end of the day in ISS, all stirred up for no reason that I can fathom by Taintface, I drove home for some fruity pebbles (Courtesy of Mum and her Wacky Wednesday shopping!  Thanks Mum!  I never buy cereal for us, as it is an enormous waste of money, but i sure do LOVE cereal!  Yayz!) and a little breather before heading off to Drama.  This is the only part of my thurday that I look forward to; the ability to stop home, have a sandwich, pee in my own bathroom, relax in private for about a half hour before climbing back in the car and trekking to stoughton.  I don't have this luxury on any other day of the week, so that is one good thing.  (When Eric was here I used to go straight to stoughton and it SUCKED BIG TIME!!!  Thank Christ I get this precious alone time back!)

The toughest part is making myself leave again.  And today?  Oh christ.  It almost didn't happen.  For real.  I had eaten the fruity pebbles and had settled into a comfy chair and, good lord was it ever a struggle to motivate myself out the door once more.

And I took a caffeine pill, which I am always reluctant to do (shades of Jess Spano, anyone??).  But if I didn't?  No way three drama classes were happening. 

So I get to stoughton and I sit in the car staring at the fence infront of where I parked and I just thought:  Nope. 

Not going to do it.

I can't.

I don't have it in me.

no.

just no.

I even called Aaron, who was totally in the middle of aftercare by this point, and almost cried on his voicemail.  It sounded a bit like a suicide message.  Because it kinda almost was.  I thought about just not going into my job, driving away, and just disappearing somehow forever.  The bills, the exhaustion, the misery of this half-life I'm living? 

But somehow I sucked it up, I gathered my drama teacher things from the backseat, collected my will to function, and I climbed the steps to my drama classroom. 

I didn't know how I would do it, or even if I COULD do it in the state i was in at that moment, but I let my feet carry me to my responsibility, to my obligation.

And then my girls came upstairs for class.

and they were happy and excited and full of energy and stories and enthusiasm.  And some were absent, which normally consternates and frustrtes me, but which today I shrugged off.  Did you see the weather out today?  I didn't want to be indoors, why the fuck should they?  But I worked with the ones who were there and did my best to make the class productive.  They had a good time and I praised them.

The second class was on the heels of the first.  Less productive, but no less energetic and happy and fun.

Then I discussed my ambition for an additional curtain on the stage with my boss, and she wasn't opposed, which is awesome!

Then my third class.  I had three of seven.  not a great ratio!  But i focused on monologues and smaller scenes and I felt like each girl got alot accomplished and that each girl really helped her teammates, too, which is my favorite thing about theatre, the teamwork.

And so I left feeling, brace yourselves, pretty damned good about things.

I still can't pay my bills, that's a cold hard fact.  I am still out of shape and overworked and underpaid and confused about love and friendships and who\what\where the fuck I want to be, but I left feeling like maybe life was worth living.  Like maybe I don't have to drive my car off a cliff (try finding a good suicide cliff in southern mass, btw.  sheesh.  It'll have to be a pond or a river, right Senator?).  And I was reminded, reluctantly, because I am loathe to compliment myself or see good in myself, but I was reminded of something Aaron told me after observing one of my Drama classes one thursday.

I'm a really good teacher.

I'm not the best, I know that, and I'm not even great.  But I'm actually a really good teacher.  i'm good at my job.  I did good work with those kids tonight and I love each one of them.

I believe. 

I doubt sometimes, but I believe.

And I thank the universe for helping this thursday find a way to renew my flagging faith.

Amen.