Looking Back

Looking back can be sweet, it can be painful and it can be depressing. In trying to fix my blog archive settings ended up going all the way back and reading my first blog posts all the way up through AMDA and to the National tour.

Some of it made me smile, some of it embarrassed me and in the end I just feel old.

I always wanted to be one of those women who was unconcerned by age, and for the most part I succeed in that endeavor every day, but then sometimes, days like this one, all my accomplishments, all my rich life experiences seem to add up to nothing but wasted time, life frittered away.

Great start to a morning huh?

Making toast this morning I said to aaron: "I don't want to be a drama teacher."

"Of course you do." He replied, a little irritated, a little indulgent.

"No." I asserted. "It terrifies me."

He sighed as he ironed the collar of his stripey blue shirt. "Being afraid of something and not wanting it are two different things. You want to be a drama teacher."

I saw the wisdom in his logic but I was stubborn. "No." And then a beat. "And I'll tell you something else:" I began buttering the toast with a vengeance. "I absolutely do not want to be an English teacher!I'm even less prepared for that!!!"

At this point he wandered into the other room to seek out a coordinating tie.

The conversation petered out, as these conversations so often do. He's tired of hearing it and I'm tired of feeling it.

But I really am afraid that I won't measure up when\if I get a real job.

But when might that be? I have had not one single interview, not one single follow-up with a prospective employer. In fact I got a very polite rejection letter from the Winsor School the other day. Really? I mean, I didn't expect to land the job but my qualifications don't even garner me a cursory interview? for real?

Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm more afraid of getting a drama job or not getting a drama job.

So here I sit, feeling vaguely nostalgic, bittersweet and frustrated.

I'm glad I'm working The Palace today.

Aaron indulged me by teaching me how to play poker last night. I'm writing a scene where a bunch of guys are playing poker and I realize: oh fuck. I have no idea what they should be doing\saying here! But it had to be poker with these guys, you know? A game of monopoly just didn't seem to cut it.

He was sweet to play with me but did seem slightly irritated every time I'd ask things like: "So if one was fairly wealthy but it was a friendly game what might be the ante?"

I can't even begin to express how much friction this writing is causing around here. Some days it's nothing, it goes unsaid, but it exists, you know? It is a factor whether or not it is addressed. Sometimes I almost wish I'd never adopted this hobby. There's never ever been anything that I felt uncomfortable talking to aaron about, any interest of mine that he didn't completely support. So I often feel adrift in uncharted waters. But I have this foolhardy notion that I should just keep plugging along and this faith that I'll find my bearings sooner or later.

In the meantime my bestie Danielle has been so supportive and so available for chats and I can't thank her enough. I often feel like I'm boring her or, well, wearing out my welcome? I think I have to learn to be my own sounding board, but this is tricky because I really do work better cooperatively and talking to yourself tends to make you go in circles. Fresh perspective is always valuable... at least that's what I've come to believe and practice as a theatre artist, which is, by nature, a collaborative art. See I've never been much of an independent artist like a visual artis might be or even a musician or a traditional writer. My theatre background sort of demands constant give-and-take, feed back and adjustments as I go along and OTHER PEOPLE. I think that might be why I'm desperately trying to pull other people into this, encouraging us all to have fun and contribute to the world; because as a theatre person I am uncomfortable with the solo nature of this experience, I like the communal, the group, the celebration of all of us.

Whoa, philosophy at 8:30 am.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have a creative side at all because to have one is to be a little maddened. I wish I could dull my senses and my yearning for creative ventures enough to be happy working a desk job somewhere earning good money and not making waves.

So looking forward? I've promised myself I'll send off a whole slew of job apps this weekend and then focus on completing one a day, every single day. So that might mean less creative writing, and I have to be ok with that. But I refuse to break that other promise, so I WILL blog daily.

I have to update my resume now that I am officially licensed to be a teacher!

Not sure which direction I want to go today with the fiction. This has been a super long post so maybe I won't put up a story today. We'll see.