Hay is for Horses.

TOday I'm feeling waves and waves of guilt. Guilty for not having a full-time job. Guilty for not cleaning the house. Guilty for not wanting to apply for more sub jobs in other school districts. Guilty for not having enough money in my bank account to pay all the bills I need to pay. Guilty for having this incredibly expensive education with almost nothing to show for it. Guilty for every single thing about who I am.

I'm even guilty for wasting so much of my friend's time chatting yesterday! (even though I had a good time-- I really did suck away hours of her life!)

It is a pretty uncomfortable place to be.

And I don't know what to do.

Ok. FALSE. I know what I should do, know what other people keep telling me to do. But every day it gets harder and harder to get out of bed and face the battle. I'm thoroughly discouraged and desperate and terrified.

People are out there living their lives, having babies, buying homes, paying bills and being happy. It feels, for the first time ever in my life, that those things may never, ever, ever be part of my life.

I feel so terribly guilty that Aaron is stuck with me for better or worse because its pretty 'worse' right now.

And before you say it: I know this is unhealthy.

That's just another problem. If I were healthy and had a healthy outlook I probably wouldn't be in this mess.

Today I'm supposed to call other school districts and ask for sub jobs. I would really rather disappear forever than do that.

So I'm going to try some Mom-isms and see if they help. I'd love to talk to her about all this but she's already helped me more than she should and I don't want to worry her more than she already is. For christ's sake, I should be taking care of her by now, not the other way around!

Things Mum might say today:

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

Life isn't fair.

Beggars can't be choosers.

"Hay" is for horses, better for cows, pigs would eat it but they don't know how. (This is in response to when someone says "Hey"-- I really have never understood this one but she says it ALLLLLL the time!)

Maybe I will call her.

Maybe I have to call her.