Good news and bad news.
Good news: well, IdK, really. I like my summer jobs, but, bad news: they leave me very tired. I like working with Aaron. No downside to that one.
Good news: I have been writing alot lately. Bad News: I'm not even sure if it's any good (though I have alot of fun doing it), It's ridiculously self-indulgent, it isn't going to amount to anything (besides recreation), and I believe I've been doing it as a mechanism to avoid doing the things I really ought to be doing but have been avoiding because they are scary\painful\nerve-wracking\wretched\depressing\too real.
So I guess I've come to a cross roads. A very, very scary crossroads. Like, a 'time to grow the fuck up' crossroads.
I am in debt, I am defaulting on loans, I am avoiding calls from bill collectors, I am uninsured, hardly employed, with no prospects for a career in the fall.
And it feels like if I don't get a job for the fall (which is now becoming a very likely possibility), then everything I have been working for and toward will disappear. Like a house. Like a family. Like being able to make ends meet. Everything.
I've been in this crazy holding pattern-- holding my breath and kind of hoping and praying that things will work out, because they always do, right? I'm not so sure. I'm honestly very very terrified, and you may or may not be aware, but being afraid is a real fucking drag!
And I have so many things in life that make me happy, so I retreat into them and cuddle up and hope the big bad storm will go the fuck away, that the clouds will pass after my hibernation and I'll be able to yawn and stretch and walk out to blue skies and sunshine and rainbows.
Today I was supposed to get my ducks in a proverbial row, get my shit together and ATTACK another wave of job apps. I did not do anything of the sort. Not even a little.
And now it's monday again and why the fuck did I do this to myself?
Whoa. Depressing alert!
Be positive, right? Easier said than done has never felt truer.
Posts
4 comments:
You can do it girl! You've just been building your strength to deal with this mess. So now it's time to pull out your goddess and make her work =) One step at a time...
whats wrong with monday night for applications?! celebrate that sunday was stress free and fun and accept that monday will be a long ass night! lol.
p.s. it's only july!
Thanks guys. It is going to be one long ass month. Wish me luck. It helps to have people rooting for me :)
Exactly. You can look at it like, "shit, all this time has passed and I've been procrastinating," OR you can just decide you are going to change and do something about it now.
As soon as you set that wheel into motion, give it a little bit of energy, the Universe WILL provide. You just need to let the Universe know what the hell you want! =) I'm rooting for you, Beth. You are supremely talented and are destined for good things. Being grown up totally sucks... Bills suck even worse. Time to tackle it!
Post a Comment