Derailed.

So my blogging has been derailed lately. 

I've hit one hell of a rough patch in life.  And I'm terrified.  To be perfectly frank, of course. 

Awful timing is starting to be the norm and I'm wondering if my luck, stored up from finding four-leaf clovers in my youth and wishing on shooting stars and eyelashes has finally run out.  And how does one operate without that healthy dose of luck?

Because I have the degrees and the qualifications and still haven't landed a job.  I left the acting game because I didn't want to be in the luck business.  in the 'it's who you know' business.  in the 'waiting for a break' business.

Yet here I am.  and, oh yeah, it sucks even worse than the acting business ever could have.

On top of that we're looking at this offer to buy aaron's family home, the house he grew up in, the kinda place where you put down roots and raise a family generation after generation.  There's obviously a whole ton of bullshit that goes with it, but it is something both of us have dreamed about since we were teenagers. 
And the timing?  hilarious. 

So who knows?

Lots of wonderful, nice, happy things keep on happening, and I try to milk them for all they're worth.  Babysitting my adorable Niece, enjoying vacation time with Aaron, seeing my dear friends, Aaron's book getting tons of awesome buzz (too bad he doesn't get a cent of royalties, lol), and other little things here and there.

But landing a full time job would finally enable me to breathe easier.  Sure it would set off a whole new panic, like: Oh my god, now I actually have to DO a job!  AHHHHHHH!  But I'm beginning to firmly believe that that stress would be infinitely preferable to the stress I'm under now.

Everyday I tell myself /i'm going to finally tackle all my issues and dilemmas and stumbling blocks and finally be a grown up.  and everyday I find every possible way to avoid doing so.

So I made myself stop blogging.  and facebook.  and even in large part writing.  But none of that helped.  It just fucked with my routine and now my whole sleep schedule is off and I'm even less together than usual.  So.  Hi!  Back to the routine.

I'm hoping it will help me focus my thoughts.

Oh, and confession:  I fell wayyyyy off the pizza wagon.  I had to stay with my sister for a few days 9long story) and basically all she had in the house for a vegetarian was frozen pizza of one variety or another.  oh, and pasta (not really too much better, it wasn't even enriched.).  Then when I got home it was just easier to do pizza, and then today I'm picking up capecod pizza for lunch with my dad, and ugh.  I even had totino's pizza rolls, and know what?  i don't LOVE TOTINO'S PIZZA ROLLS!

So i'm vowing, once again, to lay off pizza, starting SATURDAY!  Heck.  maybe I'll even get a salad today from capecod instead of a pizza.  food for thought.