C-Bag Magee

Ok. I feel done. done done done. done with everything. I'm thinking some of this feeling must be stemming from the end of my summer jobs with no prospect for fall employment.

But is is toxic! It is such a filthy poison. I feel done with eating, done with talking, done with applying for jobs. I feel done with chores and done with patience and done with sex. Yeah, that's how you know there's a problem, right? I'm like, never done with sex.

But today i am. I'm over all of it. every little thing. done.

I want to erase all my stories, burn down the house, drive the car off a high bridge somewhere and disappear into the wilderness.

I'm done with west bridgewater, done with being a so-called teacher, done with families and menstrual cycles and shaving my legs and done being married.

Yeah.

obviously not really, but i think it is best if I come right out with it. Let's stop pretending we don't have days like this. I seriously cannot be the only one. i love my husband more than life, i need him and like him and want him and am the luckiest woman in the world to call him my friend and lover and partner.

but today? in this mood? fucking DONE.

i realize this must be a joy to live with.

andrea told me after my last post that I'm too hard on myself. Sometimes this is true. othertimes i am wayyyyy too fucking easy on myself. I let myself get away with all kinds of bullshit, and then inevitably it comes time to pay that asshole piper and where have I left myself?

I swear, today i have thought repeatedly about packing up some things and moving out. moving back in with my parents.

We all know that this is ridiculous and beyond tolerating, but nevertheless i have entertained such a notion on this day.

We had a fight-ish-thing last night, slept in sparate beds and never really resolved anything today-- just sort of became mostly pleasant to eachother again. but that doesn't mend the crack, you know? So all day it has been like I'm trying to pick a fight or something.

UN healthy.

We ended up watching that movie DATNIGHT with tina fey and steve carrell. meh. it killed two hours and wasn't terrible, but it was far from awesome. and it kinda made me even more depressed about married life and all that jazz.


whatevs. i think i just needed to vent, to take this detour and get it out of my head so i can try to think more clearly. When you're sitting alone and thinking ll these poisonous things with no outlet it's enough to suffocate you. i needed to air it out.

so i broke my 'bitching' rule here on the blog. Sorry. sometimes you just need to be a total cuntbag and let it ll out.