My writing fore the dinner scene has stalled. My writing in general is still click-clacking away, but my brain doesn't seem to want to complete the task at hand, which is uber frustrating because I really need to get through it in order to move forward.
IDK what the trouble is. Usually i get a bunch of characters together in one plce and sparks fly, things happen, the plot advances in some way. With this one? Hardly. It's like they're all too good at being WASPs to get anything accomplished.
Plus I have introduced new character, and usually that's fun for me, but this one is a real effing challenge. She's super cruel, a real bitter bitch, and she's also bigoted and racist. All fun things, right? Turns out that sort of person is harder to write than i originally anticipated. Picture Lucille Bluth with none of the charm, lol.
And all these secrets are swirling around in the air and it is getting mighty hard to keep em straight and remember who knows what and who did what to whom and all that banana sandwich.
Overall I am still enjoying the process. And beginning to feel curiosity about other people's writing processes. For example, I'm reading the Sookie Stackhouse series, and I'm wondering if the author, Charlaine Harris, writes in sequence, beginning to end, or skips around. I wonder, too, if she sits down and dreams up a mystery plot first, then a romance plot, then the subplots, or what? Does she make a big diagram like aaron likes to do? And did she have a multi-book plan when she started out? Like JK Rowling?
i read somewhere that Margaret Mitchell wrote all her favorite scenes, all the important ones, the meaty, juicy ones first and then had to sort of force herself to go back and write the filler, the connective tissue. If you have read Gone With The Wind you might have noticed that this approach shows, as some of that filler is ass-boring.
Right now I have a tenuous plan for the main characters of the Cedar Falls stories that I'm crafting. But I haven't sat down and made a big flow chart like aaron does. I also do the margaret mitchell thing-- I write what I want to write when I want to write it. I write scenes that spring up out of little seedling nuggets. Sometimes I write to fill a prescription, to accomplish something very specific and necessary to plot advancement-- other times i have just a kernel of an idea or a feeling I want to explore, sometimes just a word or phrase pops into my head and I sit down and let it happen however it happens. That's when I get surprised. Surprising things happen. Isn't that mental? I wonder if aaron is ever surprised by his characters. He does so much pre-planning and forethought.
He sat on the couch with me a few days ago and asked me why I liked writing. Seems like a simple question, right? But as I tried to unpack my answer I discovered that communicating my feelings about writing was more of a challenge than maybe it should be.
The simple answer would be: Because it makes me happy.
But then, he prompted, Why? Why does it make you happy? Why do you like it?
Well. I tried to give this fair consideration. Noone has ever asked me that, not quite like that, and as I didn't go to school for it, haven't spent countless semester hours analyzing this and laboring over it and picking it apart, this felt like virgin territory. A vast wilderness of unexplored thought and emotion.
Well, says I, I like the characters. Personal dramas have always grabbed me and turned on the juices. As a theatre person i groove on Albee and LaBute and even Mamet because of what the people do to, for, with, and at one another. Character-based plots, or whatever. Checkov too, i suppose, and to some extent Miller.
As a kid it's barbies. Who's ken kissing now? Wasn't he just about to propose to Midge? Why is he naked under a handkerchief with Teresa all of a sudden? Dear oh dear. The scandal.
Then it's the Sims. Jesus christ, is it ever the sims. Creating all these virtual people, setting them up for foibles and fuck-ups, friendships and families and filthy transgressions. Cedar falls sprang directly from all that.
I've always liked soaps. And romance novels. And BBC costume dramas where personal relationships ARE the entire plot. War and such are the backdrops of these stories, not the catalyst to action. Oh, sure, we may be at war with france, but what really matters is Did Lord Chesterton look askance at Lady Hartfordshire? Whatever could that glane have meant?!
I'm always making up stories and i have been since I was a kid. Only i hardly had the time or energy or patience to sit down and write them out. hell no. Usually I just had these characters in my noggin and would play pretend, by myself, and let the plot unfold as it went along. Sometimes I'd drag my friends into it, like the time I told my dear friend Alison stories about our inevitable and scandal-filled future as the young wives of various members of the band U2. Maybe I should write some of that shit down, only change the band to a fictional one...
But mostly it was just me. Me in my room talking for all the characters, acting out little melodramas, the stories and plots and high-emotions now lost forever, ephemera in the ether.
But I have always tried to be more proactive. Tried to write. My downfall has always been this need for perfection. This need to be the best. Exceptional. To avaod mediocrity at all costs.
While this can lead to some great stuff, and has, what it mostly produces is a paralytic feeling of constipated and thwarted greatness. Not helpful.
That's why finally the promise. The vow. To just fucking write already. Just write and embrace the imperfect nature of it. Allow, with grace, the mistakes and the typos and the mediocrity and the general suckiness of it.
A vow to enjoy it above everything else. it has been the advice I've been giving my student actors for years now. "Just have fun" and "The most important thing is to have fun out there!"
Of course it would be nice if you remembered your lines and didn't suck, but have fun!
So I tasked myself with writing every day, but ordered myself to abandon all hope of greatness. I found liberation in that.
Since then writing has become a very pleasurable activity. A beloved hobby.
I can't even remember, really, what it was like before I started putting my little scenes into the keys on a laptop. I used to just zone out around the house or at work and play out the little dramas in my head. Now I feed them into this little machine and there's some lasting record of them. Wild.
What do I enjoy, why do I like it, why does it make me happy?
*It's a creative outlet, and creative souls need to create or they wither and perish.
*It's a satisfying thing, to write little vignettes or little blog entires. Kind of cathartic most days.
*It's fun to problem solve; I need X to happen, so I have to add Y and divide by N or whatever. (i'm not super with math metaphors.)
*I like the stories. I re-read them all the time. Maybe this is narcissitic? I don't actually care. I re-read and I look forward to new ones every day.
*It's a challenge, an engaging one but not an overwhelming one. It excercises my brain, keeps me thinking, keeps me busy, keeps me invested in something when so many aspects of my life are less pleasing.
*It feels good. Almost always. It feels awesome to sit down and after an hour or whatever, to have something I've done. I wonder if this is how people who draw feel? Blank paper one minute, something you've created the next. It's a heady feeling.
So there it is. I seem to have gone off on quite a tangent. I'm certain there's probably alot more to it than the points i've enumerated, but that's what i've got right now.
Aaron seemed thoughtful and saddened about that discussion. He says for him, so often, writing is not fun. That it's alot of work and it is frustrating. I sympathize, hell I even empathize. He's holding out for perfection, which is a gumm-up-the-works wrench in the machinery. His product is, as a result, infinitely better, just as mine used to be when I'd labor over it and stress over it and beat myself up over it.
But really? What kind of masochist wants to do that to themselves? One of the best things /i learned in acting school was to relax into it. Relax, and breathe, and be alive in the moment. And mistakes happen. Fuck it. Keep breathing, keep moving forward, and, oh yeah, have fun out there.
My dear friend jeff asked me to think about what makes me the happiest, what activity just feels the most right in my life, because whatever it is, that's what my purpose is in life, and that's what I should be focusing on making a living at. After some joking about going into pron or prostitution because I enjoy sex very much, He asked about acting.
Well. Well, well, well. Acting felt good. Felt right. I was damned good at it too. But you know what never felt right or good or even tolerable to me? Auditioning. I guess I just want the universe to call me up and offer me fantastic roles in shows.
So then what? Teaching? No. Flat-out no. I am generally proud of my teaching abitlity. Am often pleased and have moments of clarity and enthusiasm and even affection for teaching, but no. It has never come as naturally to me as, say, acting, and it has never felt quite as rewarding-- well, not in the same way. Somethimes it can be immeasurably more rewarding because it is a selfless thing, teaching, and that's damned good for the soul.
But then what? I'm loath to name writing. Because if I did then i'd have to take it more seriously, right? I'm not prepared to go there. Hell, I can't even interest people in reading my fiction, other than Danielle-- who enjoys them but I'm convinced slogs through most of them mainly because she is an amazing friend. Plus, it helps that she just loves to read, reads all the time, and therefore is open and willing to read my stuff and give me feedback and be a creative sounding board. Wow. Thanks again, D, you are a great fucking friend and an awesome person. i love you and can't even hope to measure up to how great and giving you are and always have been to me!
Danielle tangent. lol.
But yeah, so really only danielle reads the fiction, which is fine (I'm honored, actually!), I'm not actually surprised or hurt really, but can you imagine me trying to take my writing more seriously? My own husband and partner doesn't take the time to read it, how can I expect a publisher or an agent or THE PUBLIC to be interested?
So it remains a hobby. A fun, beloved, engaging and satisfying hobby. And an endeavor too. To develop and strengthen my creative voice and muscle. I believe strongly that we all have a voice and we should all be developing it, embracing it, and sharing it. The internet is the new oral tradition. I'm proud to have my voice among the din.
In vaudeville i'd have gotten the hook by now. So, with a piano playoff, lemme say g'night folks, see ya next time!
I am now addicted to the true blood series. Yup. Best of all, aaron is equally addicted. You know, I tried to get him to let me read the sookie books aloud to him, but nooooooooo. Now, from episode one, he was like: i love this!!!
ya. I know. 'swhy i tried to read the books to ya. doofus.
Anyway. Nothing too pithy to say today. I have thoroughly enjoyed this four day weekend. It was supremely hedonistic. And selfish.
So we've put off all the errands till today. So i should get going... sigh.
Thursday, September 09, 2010
The afore mentioned 'research' books from amazon arrived today!!
Woot!
I am very pleased with them already, having skimmed hungrily through after tearing off the packaging. I'll have to let you know more, as i read them fully, but my sample taste had been pleasant, comfortable, exciting, and intruiging thus far!
Here they are-- in case you're interested (i think you should be, wink wink)
&
Sexy fruit imagery, huh? Yeah. I'm loving them both. His and Hers guides to awesomeness. Thought it would be great to have not only as a writer who is trying to write alot of sex with alot of different kinds of people (when she's only had lots and lots of sex with just the one person, lol), but might be fun as a liberated woman to read and possibly enhance the already very wonderful bedroom activities. Achieve full potentioal, right? no harm in keeping an open mind. One should grow and learn everyday. Knowledge is power. Sexy, sexy power.
yummmm.
I told you I'm reading the kama sutra, too, right?
A trifecta of sexy reading. Oh, and throw a little sookie in for dessert. I might be oversexed.
More on sookie and the implications of necrophilia and beastiality later. oh, but i promise you, that discussion is coming. How come I'm a creep when i talk about it, but she's just awesome? Whatevs. Goes back to every girl's darker psyche and bestial nature. Oh yeah, and expect said discussion to have a lengthy (pun not initially intended, but after realizing, thoroughly embraced) discussion about foreskin and a sticky discussion 9okay, ick, I intended that one) about menstruation. So yeah. gear up for that, dear readers. lol.
But , anyway, YAY Cunnelingus! He (the author)encourages all men (but I'mma also say women interested in going down to the delta too) to be fluent cunnilinguists, which reminds me of that very Noel Coward-esque punch line about Cunning Linguists. I asked aaron if there might be a fellatio equivelent of that tongue-in-cheek jokery. We couldn't think of one.
Had such an awesome day visiting with Danielle and Z yesterday! They really filled up my spiritual jar, you know?
I'm feeling a little scattered today and a little like i'm just waiting for something to break. break good, or break bad, or just shatter, I don't really know, but this definitely feels like that proverbial calm before the storm. Like I'm holding my breath.
I ordered some books on amazon the other day and am antsy for them to arrive. They are for 'research' for cedar falls. hmmmm. what could that mean? you'll have to wait and see.
I made carrot burgers tonight, a first for me, and the endeavor was super successful! i will definitely do carrot burgers again! yum city.
Aaron has the next two days off of work for the jewish holiday.
I already miss Jeff and hope he is doing well in NY.
i am tremendously excited for D's new endeavors, and am rooting for her!
Eric and his GF are so on-again-off-again it is driving me batty. It has literally been alternating between 'together' and 'broken up' every single time I talk to him. Like a fucking light switch. I'm exhausted with it!
When i sit in a certain space in the apartment I can smell clove cigarettes, which is pleasing but perplexing, as there is really no logical explanation for this phenomenon.
told you i was scattered. I'mma go read sookie.
I'm pretty fucking hooked. I am pleased to say that I'm still writing, though, despite being addicted to reading the stackhouse series. I am pleased about this. I had expected to stop writing. yay that I can do both.
maybe i am more than a recreational writer after all? We'll see.
So it has been a while, but it's time to get back on the cedar falls wagon, so here we go kiddies. As the incomparable Bette Davis as Margot Channing famously said:
"Fasten your seatbelts; It's going to be a bumpy night!"
I'm trying my damndedst to keep them short as hell, since there are so many fucking people present at this damned dinner party! sheesh.
Anyway, Enjoy!
Oh yeah, this is present day..
Heart! Thanks again for reading ;)
**********************
It had been close to a month since Jonah had made the worst mistake of his life. Not yet a month, and already he felt easily a half-decade older than his years. Every day since that terrible weekend was draining him, stretching him thin, torturing him and testing him at every turn.
And besides Viola, there was Grey’s drastic new situation. His son had gotten married—to a girl he barely knew, and they’d moved into the guest cottage. And Avalon was swinging into high gear with all the wedding planning for her own nuptials with Ben. And it was the twins’ senior year of high school, and he was being considered for a promotion, and everything together seemed to be conspiring to overwhelm him and undo him.
Tonight Velvet had decided they’d have a large extended family dinner so that Maggie could get to know the whole family. Jonah was beginning to feel like there would never be another free weekend in his life. The week before had been the small family gathering in honor of Grey’s sudden marriage, the weekend before that had been that Calder charity ball (where Viola had worn that skin-tight black strapless thing), and the weekend before that, well, that had been the weekend he’d descended into hell.
Now they were having people over again. Entertaining again. And all he wanted was to lock himself in his room and sleep for hours. Well. That wasn’t really all he wanted to do. But that was what he knew he should do.
They were expecting Nolan and his family, Caleb and Gideon, Ben of course, but probably also Grace with Holden, and he couldn’t forget: his mother in law. Jonah rolled his eyes and sighed as he buttoned his freshly ironed shirt in the mirror. He really couldn’t stand that woman on a good day, and wondered how he was going to endure her in his current mood.
“You look good. I like that shirt.”
Jonah froze in the act of buttoning his left cuff and met his youngest daughter’s eyes in the mirror. She stood in his now wide open bedroom door, leaning against the jamb, her legs crossed casually at the ankles, her arms folded across her middle and a sly smirk on her face.
“Thank you.” He responded, a little stiffly. Very slowly he resumed buttoning, but his eyes stayed on her.
“How do I look?” She asked, and pushed off the door frame to do a slow spin for him.
He licked the inside of his teeth and prayed for patience.
“Very nice.” He replied in a carefully neutral tone.
She finished her spin with a sassy hair flip and leaned into one hip, arms akimbo. “Very nice?” She challenged. “That’s all?”
He turned as he completed his task and stared her down. He kept his eyes focused only on her face. “You look lovely.” He responded, still more tepid.
She smirked and sauntered into the room. He blinked rapidly as she approached but made not a move. He felt a bit like prey in a clever predator’s sights.
With a too-provocative sway in her hips she stalked toward him and as she got closer he could see better that she was wearing dark eye shadow and liner, and she’d used some blush to bring out the height of her cheekbones, and she wore a soft, tantalizing shade of glossy lip color.
Closer and closer she advanced, until he felt a light sweat break out on the back of his neck, under his crisp collar, and he weighed his options for extricating himself from her without too much fuss. He glanced at the wide open door and the dark hallway beyond. Had the twins already dressed and gone downstairs to help their mother? Or were they still up here? Might one of them bounce out of their room at any moment and pop in to check on him?
Viola was smiling at him. Using as bait that smile that was half coy and half knowing, and he felt an unwanted heat slip down from his collar, down his front and across his chest.
She leaned in very close to where he stood and he locked up,every muscle stiff and rigid, and she giggled naughtily.
Then she was lifting something between them. “You’ll be able to see me better with these.” She teased him. His glasses. She’d leaned in close to grab them from where he’d left them to rest atop his bureau.
He let out a breath with an audible ‘whoosh’. “Thank you.” He said and held out his hand expectantly.
But his daughter shook her head a fraction, pursed her lips into a half-pout, half-smirk and slowly unfolded the arms of his glasses as if it were a highly erotic act.
Jonah frowned at her but she licked her lips provocatively and took another step into his space. He had no room to back up—he was already at the bureau—but he lifted his hands to stop her from getting too close.
She chuckled low in her throat and reached up, up, her tiny self going on tiptoes to reach, and she slipped his glasses onto his face slowly and carefully, and with a purr of satisfaction.
“There.” She said, smug and sweet. “Now how do I look?”
She looked amazing. Perfect. Gorgeous. The short little dress she’d chosen accented every curve and plane she possessed in a sensual, rather than overtly sexual way. It was mature, but still fresh and young. The dark navy color looked sophisticated on her, and it made the violet of her eyes seem more bright and vibrant. She looked wholesome and somehow perfectly fuckable. Goddamit.
“You look lovely.” He breathed, unwilling to give her the satisfaction of hearing his honest reaction. Her makeup was perfect too—more than he’d like his fifteen year old daughter to be wearing, but not at all excessive. The smoky eyes were practically hypnotizing him and the mouth—
“Just lovely?” She asked, forming that adorable mouth into a playful pout.
He shook his head once, weakly, and his palms itched to slip onto her waist, to pull her toward him. He felt his head dipping down, inching slowly toward her upturned face. Between those wide, innocent eyes and the pretty pout he was mesmerized.
He swallowed and licked his lips. “That dress is very flattering.” He answered, meaning it to sound innocuous, paternal, but when he heard himself he realized it sounded more desperate and eager than anything.
She smiled up at him and parted her lips invitingly.
And the doorbell sounded, causing them both to jump, the spell broken, the moment vanished.
He adjusted his glasses and cleared his throat. Jesus Christ.
He realized this was going to be another very long evening.
Whoa. Missed a couple weekend days there, didn't I?
Well, for once it isn't because of bad things. This weekend has been pretty lovely, actually. Relaxed, chill, time spent with dear ones. I'v had fun reading, writing, playing games, watching tv shows, keeping the house tidy, and soaking up the last remnants of summer.
The writing is going well but it is less focused than I'd like. What I'd like is to start going in a linear diection. My creative juices take issue with that plan. And since I'm just trying this writing thing out, since I'm just a passenger on the journey and apparently not the captain, i go where the impulse takes me for fear i'll alienate the impulse forever.
I don't know.
One of my very best friends is moving away in two days and I feel a great sense of loss. But at the same time I feel joyful and hopeful for him. I wish him the very best and know his purpose in life just isn't located on the south shore of Massachusetts. So my heart is heavy, but it is full of good will and best wishes for him.
And who knows? Maybe I'll finally visit NYC again. We'll see.
I'd also kinda like to move to india. I'll let you know how that goes.
Whew! i just made it inside to the cool, dry safety of my apartment before the full force of Earl oped the skies and rained down upon us here in weebee.
Hey, i just read this fabulous excerpt from Kristen Chenoweth's book, and you know how I love updated and re-tooled fairytale type lieterature? I think you'll love this as much as i did. adorable, refreshing, and spot-on! It's at another blog here!
Omg. Today was only the second day of school in B-rock and guess what? i snagged a sub job! Woot. English. Easy Peasy. I actually had a super day. I was perky and in good humor, witty, wry, and well balanced. And I did it without caffeine folks-- a minor miracle!
I had one senior clas and two freshman classes. At one point a freshman said to me: "Subs are different here than in junior high man."
"Really, how's that?"
"Cuz they just hand us worksheets and then watch us the whole time."
"Watch you?" I respond, smiling and bemused. "Watch you do what?"
"just sit there! they juss tell us to siddown and do the worksheets." then he added: "You actually know stuff."
I was tickled. I had been a particularly engaging sub. he wouldn't always get the same experience, but how was i going to break that cynnical bit of news to him on his second day ever of high school? And then i thought to myself: Jesus christ, I'd better know stuff-- I've got an expensive fucking master's degree, a good head on my shoulders and something like 6 years of subbing experience in addition to all my private teaching credentials and my student teaching. could I, in good conscience, have handed out the worksheet withour further comment, sat and read my sookie book, and sent miscreants out for talking? yes. but, i didn't. I did my level best to teach.
Plus! I saw tons of my former students (from student teaching last year) and plenty o'drama club kids! it was all in all a very lovely day.
I know they won't all be so nice, but goddammit, thanks universe, for giving me this one. It felt like a great way to earn my keep.
On the houseguest front: erg. trouble in paradise. He and his girlfriend are on the outs. Long distance does not seem to be something they are ready or equipped to handle. They have broken up. several times in as many days. It is rocky and unpleasant and I have to sya I dislike being on the guy's side of the ordeal. i'm much more comfortable with women and dealing with girl emotions and girl logic and girl perspectives. Guys? yikesaroni. eeek sandwich, some of this stuff. christ. some might sneak into Cedar Falls in disguise!
Speaking of-- i am still writing strong and loving the process. so much is happening! i am trying to spread out my posts so that danielle can try to catch up! But I am so fucking jazzed about story developments I can hardly stand it!
Plus I'm reading sookie, which is super fun! addicting like crack! Makes me wish we could have supes up in CF! Lol. Think Grey is more like a Vampire or a Werewolf?
Lemme get going. i wanna unwind a bit, maybe peep my soap, take some midol, chillax and embrace the weekend!
here's an amusing little THX, THX, THX of my own creation:
Dear "Aunt Flo",
I've never liked that stodgy old name they've saddled you with, but it seemed like the most appropriate euphemism with which to address a thank you note! Thanks ever so much for being patient, and respectful, and considerate enough to wait until i got home to spring yourself on me. Today was evidently your day to arrive and you had every right to barge in on me anytime throughout my very first day back at work, but you/ You were an absolute angel to wait until I could give you my undivided and unembarrassed attention. You aren't always so fucking awesome, so i wanted to give you a hearty thanks and a heart-felt shout-out! Um. You go girl!
The sex last night was great-- I think we're really cherishing the nights of privacy-- treating each like it may be the last-- and it is producing some exhilarating results.
So today is official back-to-school in Brockton. This time last year I was beginning my journey as a student teacher, wrapping up my journey toward my master's degree. I'm feeling more than a little bereft about the unemployment. But strangely? most days I feel hopeful. Could be more like delusional, but, we'll see. Will be applying for another freshly posted jobby today.
Know what I'm sick of though? Inside hires. frustrating beyond words.
I'm supposed to see my friend Jeff today, who I haven't seen in FOREVER! So, will let you know about that!
Oh, and here's the grumbles: Hey Sookie (or sookie's author, ms. Harris) WTF? I read a whole goddamn book and the most I get is some warm kisses and a finger up inside you? C'mon ladies, let's get our collective act together and get some steamy supernatural fucking in there, shall we? I have an irritating suspicion that the next one will be just as much of a cock tease too, since right away Bill is out of the country and nothing is resolved, which means the weepy wench will be CONFLICTED and CONFUSED and thus likely to start to get carried away but not truly let loose and screw.
I guess we shall see. And I do enjoy the books for more than the sex, especially because she doesn't really get too specific or anything, so if you are looking for romance novelesque build and release these ain't the novels to grab, but really? Just the finger? and the the external ejaculation? sigh. whatevs. Tease.
It just made me want to write crazy filth for Cedar Falls, but of course I'm in the middle of trying to complete yet another dinner scene. sheesh. Maybe I'll just take a little detour and go off on a sensual tangent...
maybe about cunnilingus? Still can't stop thinking about that...
Today is the day Aaron went back to work for realsies. So, morning toast, OJ, a light lunch packed and all that jazz. Eric spent the night out at a friends so we could talk at our regular volume and everything, which was nice. And walk around in undies or whatever too.
And simultaneous rousing out of a dead sleep for some spontaneous kinky sex in the wee hours of the morning? That was ok too! (I love just waking up and going at it--, like, were we dreaming about foreplay together? Afterward, after I'd been assuming he'd woken up in the mood and then started, you know, getting me in the mood until, He goes something like: "How'd that happen?" or "What happened?"-- sounding as surprised-but pleased- as I was. So I asked him: "I don't know, you tell me!" Awesome stuff, half-asleep advances, awesome and naughty and just lovely in their magical unpredictability!)
I do not know if I ever want kids man. I really value my privacy, like, a ton.
He's still being a little bizarre though. And i can't quite get at it. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm the one who's being abnorml. I sometimes flex this tendency I have to start looking for trouble when things are going really well for us. Like i'm suspicious of too much wonderful happiness. I used to do it all the time in high school. I was a real drama queen.
But this doesn't feel like that. It reall does not. But I'm trying to relax, trust that everything will work itself through if i am patient and open and receptive.
Plus it doesn't help my paranoia when I spend hours talking to Eric about his relationship woes. About how they fight, they don't trust eachother enough, about how she looks great naked but how he's super bored in bed because her tastes and preferences are so bland. Eeek. I try to give the best possible advice, try to remind him that the relationship is young and it will have growing pains, but secretly I'm thinking: (good god, get it together ion the bedroom or you're in for years of unhappiness and discontent!)
I just deleted a whole bunch of extraneous info because it just isn't my info to give! lol.
but yeah, so now I'm paranoid that secretly Aaron is bored with our sex life, that he's harboring all these secret unhappy, unpleasant feelings and isn't communicating with me. Which is ridiculous for so many reasons. but hey, we all do this right? or am I just completely neurotic? We all start to wonder, when we see other people's unhappiness or dysfunction, that maybe we're not as happy or functional as we thought, right??
Because I've seen enough lifetime movies to know that if you see another couple's problems and say "Boy am i glad that's not US, boy am I glad that you and i are so perfectly perfect McPerfect!" Well then, my firend, that's when you find out your paragon of a husband, who looks just like the pastor from seventh heaven, is having a torrid affair with the felicity girl before she cut off all her hair off. Or you find out that your teenaged daughter julia styles wants to and has had sex with her father, or that's when you find out your husband has been having affairs for years or maybe that he's on the down low, or that maybe not only does he have kinky sex with strangers, but he gets off on muredering them while he's at it, because he is a sociopathic serial murderer.
So yeah. I', always a little leary of expressing how perfect or wonderful aaron and I are together, because I guess i'm always waiting for that proverbial other shoe to drop out of the sky and smack me in the face for being a gullible, blind, ignorant, delusional little idiot.
I maybe shouldn't watch so many lifetime movies.
Oh christ, and writing Cedar Falls and reading post secrets doesn't help a thing! lol.
Because we really are as close as two people can be. I think he's really just preoccupied with school starting back up. I believe he'll settle back into the routine and relax. He might also relax when i'm actually bringiong in some money, because that kind of stress ain't easy either. am i right?
Alright. Gotta run. I'm halfway through Sookie book 3, Club Dead, and it is super steamy and i'mma go read some more before I go accomplishing other tasks.
Experiencing heartache and disappointment on the career front.
Experiencing so much love and wonderfulness in family arena (enough to out-shine the Bullshit that goes along with families).
The creative writing is here and there and everywhere. Got all wrapped up in family trees, which may be a terrible detour for me, or may lead to some interesting secrets and side stories.
Interesting side note: I am craving cunnilingus. Yeah. Giving it. Receiving it is awesomesauce, and I'm certainly not turning that down, but lately I've been wanting to go down to the delta and worship. So that is likely to manifest in some writing ere long, as i don't have a girlfriend--lol.
Hanging out with the fam last night was so much fun! I have missed Eric like crazy, and now he's back and he's a grown up (well, 21), so he's super confident and mature and as hilarious as ever. And its fun to have another geek around to encourage our gaming interests or sci-fi addiction and all that.
I made a yummy and easy dinner last night, which served as a pretty good transition into the vegetarian household for him 'i think. English muffin pizzas! On about half of them I uses this garlic & white bean puree as the sauce instead of the traditional tomato, and it was fucking YUM CITY!! And seriously? It was a can of white beand pureed up with garlic, a little olive oil and a little melted butter (which is actually just butter flavored vegetable oil since we buy heart healthy smart balance instead of real butter)- just enough to help the magic bullet better puree (it needs moisture or it just will not cooperate!). So flipping delish. I encourage you all to try it. shout out to adam pigeon for that little gem of a recipe idea!
Aaron has been peculiar for the past few days though, and no matter how I probe or coddle or come at it sideways I can't seem to unlock the mystery. Which is unusual, because we tell eachother everything, always. He keeps telling me that everything is ok, that he's just tired and a little weirded out about going back to work after so much time off, but I gotta tell you, my ghut is giving me a funny tickle; I think there's something else.
He's been surprisingly aloof when Eric is around. Not like, aloof to me and chummy with Eric, but aloof and withdrawn from both of us. Eric came home yesterday afternoon, and we hadn't seen him for days because he was so busy with friends, and I was super psyched to sit and chat and joke and catch-up, but aaron seemed to be content to sit with his Lenovo, playing games in an almost trance! It's like: Hello!!?? Your brother, one of your best friends ever in the world, is finally back for the first time in two fucking years and you'd rather sit there and play puzzle games and completely check-out? It was weird.
I'm stumped. I have a few ideas, but nothing really solid or even likely. I hope he's ok. I miss him, you know? even though he's been physically present for the past few days, I almost feel as though i haven't seen him.
Maybe when the students come back he'll get back into his groove and feel more himself. I certainly hope so.
Meanwhile, Danielle, the angel, has dropped off some Sookie Stackhouse books for my reading pleasure! So awesomepants I can hardly stand it! I hate to keep a good book waiting, so let me hop off for now. I'll keep you updated!
Ciao.
Oh, wait, one more fucking thing. Remember the sidenote about cunnilingus? In addition, I'd also like to lick, kiss, nuzzle, suckle, motorboat and generally just worship on some beautiful breasts. So, my current obsession?
Yup. I would do anything she wanted me to do. goddamn. What a fabulous gift from heaven, is this woman. Oh Joan.
Do an image search for christina hendricks. Just do it. a goddess. Curvy, delectible, divine, and red hair to boot? It's like she was made just for me. sigh.
It isn't a real day with students, but it is back to work nonetheless.
Yay!
I have a few more apps to get out there, which I'mma do right after this.
How are those fingers? still crossed?
This is the first time i've had the house completely to myself in months!!!
Feels kinda nice.
I mean, technically Eric could just show up anytime, but he's a 21 year old boy with no responsibilities at present and a friend's mom who seems to be pampering and feeding him, so i don't expect the boy to be awake this early, let alone ambulatory or ambitious about commuting back here.
So i think i'll enjoy my toast and oj, enjoy my tea, print out all the stuff for my job packets, and then get myself ready to go out! Woot.
Congrats and best wishes to all those going back to school this week and next week-- be it as students or teachers. School is the best.
Since I've decided to try and keep progressing with the maggie\grey storyline in order as much as possible, things will often get more linear than maybe they have been in the past. I'll probably still jump wayyy back in time because of all the stuff that went down back in the day that is still shrouded in mystery, and I'll jump around to different storylines of course, like a soap, but mostly we're trudging forward on the path to avalon's wedding and the thrilling aftermath because there's alot in store for our beloved residents of Cedar Falls, USA (wink wink to Danielle:)
So. Another family dinner, you say? yeah. sorry. Velvet likes to throw parties.
This is the first little snippet from the big Delaney meet & greet for Maggie. I'm trying to keep them short and -well, not sweet, but scrumptious?
Shrug. Sigh. Whatevs.
Enjoy.
"This is going to be a long night"
*******************
Zahra’s husband was tense. He was doing his best to behave as if nothing was bothering him, but she knew him better than that. He was never short with the children, not even when he was agitated, but tonight he was, well, not short precisely, but, distracted?
“Then also can I please have a baby unicorn?” It was the third outlandish and impossible item Lola had asked to be added to her ever-lengthening birthday wish list.
And he’d nodded absently. “Sure thing baby.”
Zahra narrowed her brows as her daughter squealed with glee in the back seat.
“What?!” Shrieked Keer, scandalized. “Daddy, she can’t have a baby unicorn!” Their eldest protested hotly.
“Yes I can!” Countered Lola’s piping little voice. “Daddy said!”
“Daddy, can I have a Pegasus?” Ajay queried, sensing this to be a good opportunity to ask for mythical beasts.
“We’ll see.” Nolan responded calmly.
Zahra heard Keer groan exasperatedly in the back. “No Ajay, you can’t even have one because there’s no such thing!” She was in a very literal phase at the moment and had little tolerance for all things magical or fanciful.
“If Lola gets to have a unicorn then I can too have a Pegasus.” Ajay reasoned, and Zahra could imagine the glower he was giving his older sister.
“Yeah, you can have one.” Agreed Lola generously.
“They don’t exist!” exclaimed Keer, ready to explode.
“Nolan?” Zahra asked him quietly, under the bickering in the backseat.
“Hm? He responded vaguely, hitting the blinker and turning into the posh residential neighborhood of Cedar Crest.
“You ok?”
“Sure. ‘Course.”
“Daddy, don’t they exist?!?!” Ajay demanded from the back.
“Of course they do.” His father replied dispassionately.
“Mom!” Keer countered.
Zahra sighed. “I’m not sure we have room in the house for a Pegasus, or a unicorn for that matter.” She replied diplomatically. This answer caused Lola to wail, Ajay to grumble and Keer to tisk with a great deal of attitude. “They’re really much happier when they get to roam free, guys.” She told them gently. “Besides, what ever do they eat?”
“Skittles.” Lola responded readily. “And stardust too I think.”
“I think Pegasus eats dragonflies. And carrots.” Ajay said thoughtfully.
“They don’t eat anything because they AREN’T REAL!” Keer shouted.
“Keer, watch the volume please.” Her father said, not hearing what she’d said, only seeming to register the tone and size of it.
“This is ridiculous.” She spat.
Zahra rolled her eyes and allowed them to bicker further about skittles and myth while she watched her husband’s profile. He was scowling at the road in front of them.
They were on their way to his brother’s for a big family dinner. They were going to be introduced to Grey’s new bride.
News of the elopement had surprised Zahra. “I thought they broke up?” She’d asked her husband that evening a week or so ago when he’d come home and told her about their nephew’s out-of-the-blue marriage to one of his employees.
“They did.” He’d answered, sounding irritable and uptight. “I’ll have to be at the shop more this week—Velvet arranged a honeymoon for them I guess, and she needs the week off.”
Zahra had stared at him curiously. “You’re not happy about this.”
“No.” He’d answered as he’d slipped off his shoes and begun unbuttoning his shirt.
“How come?” She’d moved to him and begun to knead at some of the tension bunching his shoulders.
“Nnnnnn. That’s good.” He’d moaned. “Because she’s a nice girl and he’s an asshole.”
She’d smacked him lightly on the back. “That’s your nephew!”
“Yeah, that’s how I know he’s no good for her.”
Zahra had kissed him where his collar met his skin and felt him sigh. “Who are we to judge where love strikes?” She’d asked gently.
“It wasn’t love that struck Zee, it was his—something else.” He’s spun under her hands to face her and placed a lingering kiss on her forehead while pulling her body to his. “I’m pretty certain she’s pregnant.”
“Oh.” Zahra’d responded. “Well.”
“Yeah.”
“Do people still do that anymore? Get married because of that?”
“She comes from a pretty strict Catholic upbringing, from what I can tell.” He’d responded, sounding drained and leaden. He’d been in a sour mood all that night. His face and body coiled and stretched just a bit too thin, his conversation vague, his mind preoccupied, his stormy eyes dustant and unreadable. Not at all unlike this evening.
“Plus, besides, Daddy already said I was a princess and a princess neeeeeeds a unicorn or else!” Lola’s tiny voice had a great deal of power behind it, and the decibel and pitch of it was cutting right into Zahra’s skull.
“Ok, listen up guys.” Zahra said in her all-business tone, turning around in her seat and fixing them each with a warning stare one by one. Three pairs of eyes looked up at her expectantly. Nolan was turning the van into the driveway. “I want you all on your very best behavior.” They all nodded solemnly. “I mean it.” She cautioned. “No more bickering, no more arguing, no more yelling or annoying eachother—or anyone else either. Got that?”
They cast sideways glances at one another and eventually all three nodded or mumbled agreement.
“We’re meeting a new member of the family tonight, like Daddy told you, and you all know about first impressions.”
“I met her already!” Gloated Lola jubilantly.
“That’s true, but you still need to be on your best behavior.” Her mother explained.
“She’s nice.” The girl assessed with finality. “And pretty.” She added.
Zahra raised her eyebrows. “Have I got everyone’s word?” She asked them all.
A chorus of yeses sounded from the back as she turned to her husband. He was staring blankly at the big house, patiently waiting until she’d finished her riot act.
“You ready?” she asked him.
A muscle jumped in his jaw. “Yup.”
Zahra bit down a snappish comment and recognized that it was going to be a very long evening.
(none of it is houseguest related--surprising, right?)
sex
writing
jobsearch
vegetarianism
frienships
sex
writing
jobsearch
money
money
bills
sex
diet
excercise
writing
family
jobsearch
and at this moment? especially?
sex+writing+jobsearch = bad fucking mood.
Yeah.
Nothing like going to take a nice sexy shower to get yourself ready for a super fun night (since your houseguest is spending the night at a friend's) and then finding your man asleep on the couch when you're done. Fun fun. too much ikea furniture building I guess.
Oh well. His loss. He was gunna get his favorite tonight. Wamp, wamp. Snooze you lose, right?
Eric is up from Florida and it had been so greta to see my baby brother again! Only he's 21 now, super tall, deep voice, he's not my 'baby' anything anymore! lol.
And he's really self assured and funny and fun and I have missed him alot.
I'm actually still kinda missing him because he's basically been out with his friends since the night he came back! He's a young guy who hasn't seen his friends in 2 years, so, I get it.
also? It meant aaron and I could still be naked and do things last night and tonight, soooooooo.... YAY!
Aaron got fed up with the computer on a foldaway table after about three minutes, so we spent a good amount of time at IKEA yeaterday choosing a new desk! And, of course, it being college season, which one employee told us was "Like our version of christmas" there at the swedish furniture superstore, the item was out of stock on the warehouse floor. After all that time and effort we had to go home frustratingly empty handed.
BUT! we got our asses up early, went early (like we had to wait in line for them to open, we were there right away!), and we successfully located all pieces and got our asses out of there and home to build!
We also got cinnamon buns because we hadn't had breakfast and they smelled so seductive. They didn't disappoint. those were the yummiest empty calories I have had in a while!
I just adore IKEA. i only wish their meatballs were 'neat'balls instead. carniverous swedes.
So anyway, the desk is BEAST! pics to follow sometime.
Love always, and will keep ya posted,
Beth.
Oh, last night was our first night on a new mattress (just a cheapo building 19 one, nothing special) since, um, ever! And we were back to our old loft bed that aaron built for the studio apartment. Trippy. The loft bed is much improved in the new aparment with its soaring ceilings! We sould do any position we want! He could bend me over the top of the living room wall if he wanted! woot! fun stuff. maybe that'll be tonight... lol.
Holy good god am I ever sick of cleaning. however. I am always super-de-duper pleased with the results. We still have a few things to do before eric arrives tomorrow, but we don't expect him in the AM or anything, so i think we'll have time to take out the trash, throw a few things in the basement, change the reeking litter box, and wipe down every surface in the goddamn bathroom. I am actually super good at cleaning bathrooms. I usually prefer to do them in the wee hours of the morning, like now, but unless I catch a second wind I don't see that happening before bed.
We also have a couple muffin pans that we discovered hiding in a lower cabinet that I must have shoved there to hide them some time-- they have remnant food crusted-but thankfully not molded- in them, so those muffin bitches need to soak overnight! lol.
But wanna know what? i had a really wonderful afternoon with my husband. We decided to go out to one of our favorite places-- Coriander Indian Bistro in sharon center. Oh my lord, was it ever satisfying! Perfection. yum yum yum yum yum.
And then we hopped a couple doors down to French Memories and picked up the best pastries ever for dessert-- Almond croissants from the little french bakery. we were wayyy too full from indian to eat them just then, so we took them home and savored them later with tea and cuddles.
Also, i got to take a nice long nap in the afternoon sun on my couch. I fell asleep full and contented and with a smile on my lips. I felt warm and soft all the way down to my toes when aaron woke me up with kisses. Yay.
then he let me write for like an hour before we had to finally get back to the business of cleaning for our visitor. And I love-and-a-half the scene that popped out of my fingers! Hadn't planned it, hadn't even thought about a scene like this one before, but suddenly there it was! You won't get to read it for a while though because it takes place close to avalon's wedding, so we got some time yet; we have a bunch of Maggie & Grey growing pains to experience before we fast-forward to the big wedding.
I could just purr.
I wish we didn't have to go back to work ever. Oh, and I wish I had a job. For now it looks like subbing again and I'm going to have to try and get a part-time job as well. nights and weekends. i'll never see my husband, friends, or family, but I guess that's how it goes whenm you're a grown up, right?
Meh. I don't want to think about that right now. I want to focus on the wonderfullness. I'mma go hop in the shower and then take advantage of our last night alone together before houseguest! Connubial Bliss awaits!
Have spent much of the day cleaning and reorganizing for the imminent arrival of our indefinite houseguest, My brother-in-law, aaron's brother eric.
I love eric and am excited to see him again.
And i really want to be able to open our home to him. because that's what family does for eachother.
There was this whole big debacle over at aaron's grandmother's house before he left for florida, a big fiasco that still rankles and burns me up, so yes, yes I am more than happy to have a place to offer my brother.
Because that's what a family does.
Anywho. Rearranging is exhausting. Plus this apartment is really not ideal for more than a couple to inhabit. And I don't mean a couple as in quantity, I mean a married or intimate couple. None of these walls, save the bathroom, actually go to the cieling. It's one big open concept kind of this really. And it is my favorite place in the world. But I am wondering how comfortable eric will feel living here with so little privacy.
I am also, frankly, wondering how aaron and I will manage to 'have intimacy'. You know how they use that term to be all clinical. lol.
i think we'll manage intimacy just fine, it's the fucking I'm worried about! Sheesh. We have enough privacy to cuddle and maybe even get away with fellatio, but everything else? I'm a little stumped.
We'll see. you may well get a whole slew of blogs rife with sexual frustration in the coming weeks and months, so be prepared! lol.
Oh, and still no job. fun fun. and i got a call from my brother letting me know he'd paid one of my school loan bills since it was crazy overdue and they musty have been calling him (co-signer). awesome right? I'm pretty much failing at life at present and i gotta tell ya, it ain't fun. No I have to call my brother back and explain to him. how can I even explain?
I got so nauseated last night, I thought I might lose my entire fried dinner. Aaron made me a tea, I held my head real still, and managed to avoid heaving. Which is good, because I'm only just getting over my last bout with throwing up broccoli, and if I had vommed last night I may never have eaten broccoli again!
Anywho.
Today the plan is to grab a lite lunch, head to the laundromat, a few other little errands, and clean clean clean.
Big changes are coming to the readron\waite household soon and we need to get crackin.
Wish us luck.
This next little vignette has been orphaned. How sad for it. It takes place right after the wedding day brunch at the Riverside bistro, a sequence of some of my favorite scenes I've written. This little thing is from Velvet's point of view. It doesn't offer too much in the way of plot advancement, but hey, it's short, kinda sweet, and what the hell?
If you havent read them I really do encourage you to go back and read the wedding day scenes, especially the brunch ones.
lol. I especially love Hector (2nd) and Grey's inner monologues during this scene (3rd)
The original intention was to have one more from maggie's pov and then this concluding one from Velvet but I think /i got too excited about the honeymoon and moved on and never went back to do Maggie's inner monologue, and now i think it'd be a little redundant. But her's Velvet! who is kinda redundant anyway sometimes, heeheehee.
Enjoy
*****************
“Do you think they looked happy?” Velvet asked her husband after they’d waved good-bye to the newlywed couple and said goodbye to Mr. Hector Ramirez. They stood in the front foyer of The Riverside Bistro, taking a moment to linger before they had to dash out into the downpour and go their separate ways—she to the market and he back to work.
She looked up into his face and watched his thoughtful expression. He didn’t answer right away, but looked into her face and smiled kindly. “Do you?”
Her eyes crinkled. “It’s so romantic.” She said softly and squeezed his hand meaningfully.
“Very.” He replied indulgently.
“Do you? Think they looked happy?” She pressed, wanting his opinion, needing his more objective point of view.
He raised his eyebrows and leaned down to kiss her softly. “Honestly?”
She nodded, holding her breath.
“I think they looked scared to death.” He laughed gently and she giggled.
“So I wasn’t imagining it?” She felt relieved to know her perception wasn’t too terribly off.
He shook his head. “Not that I can blame Grey.” He said with a sigh. “Mr. Ramirez seems very protective indeed.”
Velvet smiled and placed her head against her husband’s arm with a contented sigh. “He’s just doing what fathers have to do.” She mused. Jonah made a ‘hmmm’ of agreement and she squeezed his hand again. “I think our son did very well though, don’t you?”
“I was very impressed.” Jonah agreed sounding more than a little relived and quite proud.
“What do you think of her?” Velvet asked, hoping she sounded neutral. She didn’t want to bias his response; she wanted to know his honest reaction.
Jonah was quiet and Velvet didn’t need to look at him to know he was pondering. “She seems bright and level-headed.” He answered diplomatically. “And sweet.” He added.
Velvet rolled her eyes. “Don’t you think she’s beautiful?”
He chuckled. “She’s lovely.” He answered tepidly.
“Don’t you think they looked good together?” She prodded.
“I suppose they did.” He answered in a way that told Velvet he hadn’t even thought about it for a moment.
“Why, do you think?” She couldn’t quite wrap her head around the spontaneous elopement.
Jonah pulled her into a hug and kissed the top of her head before answering. “I’m not sure it matters why they did it, Love. It’s done.”
She furrowed her brows. “But do you think they love eachother very much?”
Still holding her close against him he laughed quietly. “You are a hopeless romantic.” He told her affectionately. “Then, so am I.” He conceded and she smiled against his chest. “What other reason could two beautiful young people have to elope besides loving eachother very very much?” he teased her sweetly.
She felt cozy and safe in his arms and she never wanted him to let go. “I love you.” She told him.
“I love you.” He responded.
Velvet wondered suddenly if Maggie might be pregnant. She was surprised to discover she hoped so. She was also surprised to discover how proud she felt of Grey if he had married her because of that.
The image of Grey’s father swam to the surface of her mind and she frowned. Grey was better than him. Infinitely better. He would do right by that girl. He wouldn’t do to Maggie what Vaughan had done to her all those years ago. Jonah had raised him better than that. Raised him to be a good man.
She squeezed her husband fiercely. She suspected Jonah might know for sure one way or the other, know more than Grey’d decided to share with her, but she decided she didn’t want to know yet. She’d wait. Wait till they told her.
“I have to get back.” He said rubbing her back.
“Come home with me instead.” Velvet said, looking up at him with sultry eyes and allowing her voice to get smooth and suggestive.
He opened his mouth to respond then closed it again. He cleared his throat. Then he smiled sadly. “You know I’d love nothing more, but I shouldn’t have even taken this much time away.”
She recognized the finality in his voice and pouted. He raised one eyebrow at her and then kissed that petulant pout. She breathed in the smell of him, the clean soap smell and bergamot. Then he pulled back, ran two knuckles softly down the side of her face and kissed her forehead.
“Be careful driving in this rain.” He said to her and she bit her lip to keep from grinning.
“I’m a fine driver.” She asserted.
He stared at her. “Velvet.”
She laughed. “I’ll be careful.”
He nodded and stepped away from her almost regretfully. “See you tonight Mrs. Delaney.” He said with an affectionate and playful smile.
Her heart thrilled at the sweet reminder of their first days together as a married couple. He’d said it to her every chance he could. When she’d been his young bride. She’d reveled in the change of title and would get giddy and warm whenever he’d say it to her. ‘Would you pass the carrots Mrs. Delaney’ or ‘How was your shopping trip Mrs. Delaney?’ or ‘Mrs. Delaney, would you care to join me in the bedroom?’. His adorable playful formality had made her feel girlish and adored and sweet and sexy all at once. And every morning on their honeymoon, when she opened her eyes and stretched and melted against his side and slipped her fingers through the spread of hair on his chest, even before opening his eyes he’d smile and tell her ‘good morning Mrs. Delaney—you make me the happiest man on earth.’ Whenever he called her that she breathed a little fuller and felt a tickle deep inside her.
Now, all these years later, after 20 years of married bliss, he could still make her feel like that young bride, just by the way he caressed the address, and smiled, and let his voice go soft and warm and a little bit sexy. Reveling in that intimate tickle deep within her Velvet fluttered her lashes coquettishly and smiled. “I look forward to it, Mr. Delaney.”
Danielle was like: "Where the hell was drunk beth when I was drunk danielle???"
hopefully soon we shall be a coupla drunk bitches together.
tonight i did a wicked townie thing-- went to yangtzee and drank scorpion bowls! fun times. I am ready to just about vomit now though. sadface.
I was gunna post writing but am drunker than i previoisly thought, so i am thinking it might be ill advised to post writing.
Happy birthday KERRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!
Um. also. idk.
Rum is awesomeface.
still no job. ayayayaaaaaaayyyyyyyy.
K.
gunna go watch some big bang theory with the hubs. i think we both just ate too much fried chinese food to big band eachother though. sadface. next time? rum and no food at all, that will equal sexiness.
Hey, this is the next bit from back in the day when Velvet meets Grace, Jonah's best friend and ex-girlfriend.
Check out this, this, and this, to catch up on what's going on here.
**********************
“Let’s go look at the nursery!” The little beauty chirped gaily, and grabbed up Grace’s hand before she had time to properly prepare herself.
Grace had every instinct to pull away, to keep her feet planted by Jonah, shake her head and say ‘I don’t wanna!’. But she did nothing of the sort. She was no coward. And she’d done nothing wrong. Was it her fault Jonah hadn’t had the ex-girlfriends talk with her yet?
She refused to feel guilty or ashamed or cowed by this diminutive little Venus. She was Jonah’s best friend, aside from Nolan, and she was sick of getting shunted to the side whenever his girlfriends got jealous and insecure.
“There’s a nursery?” Grace queried, a wry note sounding in her voice, her eyes meeting Jonah’s as she allowed the little heiress to pull her from the kitchen area.
He looked deeply concerned. “Shall I come along?”
Velvet giggled brightly. “You keep on cooking, chef!” She called without looking back. “It isn’t a nursery yet,” the girl told her confidentially, “But we have some big plans.”
Grace allowed herself to be led into the townhouse’s modest office, which was separated from Jonah’s bedroom by the downstairs bathroom. The brothers hadn’t done too much with it. There were a few unremarkable bookcases filled to bursting with Jonah’s books, and maybe some of Nolan’s. There was a great antique standing globe that he’d been given by his Dad upon graduating college, a comfy leather armchair—old and worn in and, Grace looked away. She’d had sex with him in that chair. Best not to think about things like that, especially when she was doubtless about to be grilled by his newest paramour.
This would be a fine space for a nursery. But Grace couldn’t quite swallow the fact that the two were moving so fast—sprinting toward domestic utopia, it would seem.
Velvet was babbling along gaily about which crib she’d registered for and what the color scheme would be. “I don’t want just blue, blue, blue!” She was saying as she strolled around the room, outlining how she believed the space would be best used. “Too much blue just makes me depressed. I’m thinking this bold little savage inside me wants reds! He’s a real pain sometimes. I think he’ll be a politician probably. So probably reds and navy, very Americana, right? But Jonah thinks red might not be soothing enough for the nursery, and if you do ‘soft red’ well that’s just pink and we don’t want to confuse people, right?” She laughed as she rounded the room and ended up right back by the door they’d entered from.
Grace stood smack-dab in the center, turning slowly to entertain the idea of a crib and a changing table and all the other little pieces Velvet had blathered on about. “You two are pretty damn serious.” She said, though for the life of her she could have sworn she was about to say: “Blues and reds would make great boy colors.”
Velvet Calder Grey smiled brilliantly. She leaned out the door and over her short stature Grace could see an alert Jonah, a Jones who didn’t know what to do with himself out there. “Sweetheart, how many minutes do we ladies have to chat before it’s ready?”
Grace watched Jonah spin in place, assess the lunch-in-progress on the stove and then turn back. “Maybe ten minutes?”
“See you in ten, then!” She chirped, and then actually blew him a kiss.
It took all of Grace’s energy to compose her face into something neutral when the girl spun around, closing the door as she did so. If Jonah had reached out and caught the kiss her level of irritation and gross-out would be extreme. Thankfully for her gag-reflex the man had instead smiled wanly and half heartedly picked up the wooden spatula again.
Then Grace was alone with the strange little creature. The most beautiful woman she’d ever seen in real life. They stared at eachother for what felt like a very long moment.
Then Grace smiled. She tended to do this when all the things she had to say were less than polite.
“He saved my life.” The girl said earnestly.
Grace raised her eyebrows but kept on smiling. That sounded ridiculously dramatic. From what she understood he’d done little more than comfort her after her embarrassing tantrum and then whisk her off back to his place. Oh, and apparently he’d become quite cozy with her despite the fact that she was married and expecting someone else’s baby. This was all very interesting, good fodder for a soap, but hardly heroic or life-saving.
But Velvet, seeming to pick up on Grace’s mute skepticism, nodded vigorously. “He saved my life. And I love him. With all my heart.”
“You don’t need to convince me of anything.” Grace said, feeling dismissive and distinctly awkward.
“You’re his best friend.” The girl said.
“Yeah.”
“And you love him.”
Grace tisked and put both her hands on the aching small of her back, which, by the way, didn’t feel so small lately.
“I care about him, yeah, and of course I don’t want to see him hurt—“
“Why’d you really break up?”
Grace thought her eyebrows might climb so high on her forehead that they’d get swallowed up by her hairline. “We decided we were better as friends.” She repeated doggedly. “Some people are not meant to be—romantic.”
This didn’t seem to make any sense at all to the little green-eyed vixen. “But you loved him.”
“Of course.”
“Was he not good in bed?”
Grace’s lips parted. “Do you always say whatever you’re thinking?”
Velvet didn’t look chagrined or chastised by this, instead she giggled and tried to look thoughtful. “We only have eight minutes for me to figure out if we can be friends and if I can be with Jonah forever or not.” She said without a lick of irony or sarcasm.
Grace blinked. “That’s a lot of pressure.” She said dryly.
Velvet looked sympathetic. “I like you.”
Grace blew a sigh out of her lips. “You don’t even know me.” She tried to sound kind, tried not to reveal the irritation she was feeling at the silly, absurd nature of this little heiress. Was this really what Jonah found appealing these days? Romantic, impulsive, over-dramatic little flutterbrains?
“But you’re smart and funny and frank, and Jonah obviously admires you and cares about you, and I don’t want to be enemies.”
Grace lengthened her neck and pushed her hands into the throbbing ache near her tailbone. Enemies? The girl should still be in high school for God’s sake. She seemed well educated, and she’d most definitely been to a finishing school, but she couldn’t do much to help the fact that she was seventeen. Maybe a slightly older-than-her-years seventeen, but not by too much, in Grace’s estimation.
“I have no intention of being your enemy.” She said as soberly as she could manage.
To Grace’s amusement the girl looked wildly relieved and pleased as punch. “Oh good. So where should we start?”
Grace had the churlish notion to simply stare back, a polite but expectant smile on her face, and wait for the little doll to make the first move. Grace recognized that she had something the girl wanted and that meant she had all the power. But looking at those big pale green eyes, and thinking about Jonah’s highly agitated state out there, waiting on tenterhooks while he tended the stirfry, Grace relented. With a heavy sigh she waddled over to the desk by the window and lowered herself to sit atop it.
“What do you most want to know right now?”
The girl bit her precious lower lip and fretted, in a dither about which path she wanted to explore most before their lunch was ready.
“We’ll have plenty of opportunities to chat.” Grace assured her in a soothing voice. “We’re going to be good friends, afterall.”
Velvet’s little cupid’s bow mouth formed an astonished ‘o’ and she looked positively transported.
“You mean it?!”
“Hell yeah. If you’re important to Jones you’re important to me.” She said it as if it was a maxim, but if she were honest with herself she knew there was no precedent to support that at all. She frowned just a little, thinking back across the years and coming to the conclusion that she’d never actually been especially nice to or supportive of Jonah’s girlfriends. Hell, she’d been downright chummy with almost every single one of Nolan’s serious girlfriends, and she was usually great to the girls her brothers brought home, but for whatever reason, she’d never warmed up to Jonah’s ladies. It was probably because he always insisted on choosing the worst girls for himself. Not that they were awful people, necessarily—well some of them had been awful people, she was certain—but they were always all wrong for him.
“Oh good. Thank you thank you thank you. Oh good!”
Grace smiled despite herself at the girl’s relief and watched her lower herself into the rolling desk chair to be close enough and comfortable enough for girl talk.
Grace made the decision to try to get on board with this one. Give her a chance. Knock off all the antagonism she’d displayed toward Jonah’s love interests over the past five years or so. She had serious doubts about this relationship, was pretty convinced it wouldn’t work out, thought it was moving way too fast and too far, but she swore to herself that she was going to hold her tongue, smile, and be a friend to them. This girl obviously made her friend over-the-moon happy at the moment, and he deserved happiness, so what the hell?
She brushed off the niggling insinuation her conscience was making about ulterior motives. This had nothing at all to do with Holden. She forced herself to believe that this was not at all about making sure this little girl was firmly ensconced in a committed relationship before Holden got the chance to ‘reacquaint’ himself with an old family friend who just happened to have had a decade long crush on the man. What man’s ego wouldn’t be stroked by that little bit of information? But this had nothing at all to do with the fact that the most beautiful girl Grace had ever seen had openly admitted to being once in love with her weak-willed and infidelity prone husband. Nothing whatsoever.
This was about being a good friend to Jonah.
“—tomorrow if you’re free?”
Grace wasn’t perfectly sure but thought she’d just been invited for more girl bonding time the next day.
“So long as I’m still pregnant.” She answered.
Velvet laughed gaily and then quite unexpectedly placed her hand on Grace’s enormous stomach. Grace was a little unused to this, even after so many months of it. It was the strangest thing, that people felt perfectly at liberty to invade your personal space and touch your body as though they had every right.
“What are you thinking for a name?” Velvet asked, her voice warm and wistful as she ran her hands over Grace’s taut orb of a belly.
“Bennett. Ben.”
Velvet gushed approvingly. “Me too.”
Grace tilted her head. “You too? You’re naming yours Ben?” It was a good solid name, but these boys were going to be in the same class, maybe one of them should re-think this a little. And that someone really ought to be Velvet, since Bennett was Grace’s family name.
The girl giggled. “No, no. I’m naming him Calder.”
Oh. Right. Grace chided herself for being so airheaded. It was an unfortunate consequence of the pregnancy. She’d been frustratingly forgetful and daydreamy and downright thick-skulled so often lately.
“You’re not afraid he’ll sound like a fridge?”
She’d said it lightly, as a joke, but Grace honestly disliked the name. Velvet clucked her tongue and tilted her head with a smile.
“Nolan said the same thing!” She marveled. “And Jonah’s not wild about it either, but. Well. That’s what you do.”
She was referring to the tradition of it. The eldest girl of these well established WASPy families always named their firstborn son after their maiden name. Everyone was doing it. It was what was done in Cedar Falls. Grace herself was doing it. But Ben was a perfectly reasonable name. Calder sounded like a dishwasher.
“Why don’t you make Calder his middle name?” Grace offered.
Velvet waved her hands, indicating she would think about it later; at present she had more pressing concerns. “We’ll talk babies tomorrow. Right now let’s talk you and Jonah.”
Grace nodded. Ok, she thought, let’s get this overwith. “We started dating when we were sixteenish.” She told her matter-of-factly. “And it lasted right up till, oh, just before we headed off to college.” Lots of high school relationships end that way.
“Was he your first?”
Grace felt her brow crinkle. “My first boyfriend? No.”
Velvet’s perfect cheeks flooded with color but her eyes were clear and direct. “Your first, first.”
Grace stared at her for a moment, knowing the girl had clarified but still finding her meaning elusive. The question must have read on her face.
“Sex.” Smiled Velvet, keeping her voice a near whisper, as if Jonah might be listening in from just outside the door.
Oh. That. Of course. All that had seemed terribly important when she was seventeen. Who had been her first, or his first for that matter.
“No.” She assured the girl. But he was the best, she thought to herself candidly. No need to go spilling that little gem.
Velvet looked somewhat relieved at this news, but the relief lasted only a fraction of a moment before the next question sprang to her lips. “Were you his?”
Grace kept her face still. “Shouldn’t you be asking him about that?” She felt like an older sister. She disliked feeling older in any capacity.
“I will, I will, but you must know, right? Please just tell me.”
Grace warred with herself over whether she thought the girl’s thought-to-mouth policy was refreshing or really irritating. She weighed her answer carefully.
“No. I wasn’t.” She remembered that summer too well. They’d both ended up losing their respective virginity but not to eachother. This green eyed girl had been in elementary school then. Jesus. Of course, to be fair, she, herself, was almost five years younger than Holden. Men like younger women, she reasoned, get over it.
Again Grace watched a measure of relief march across that worried brow. “Who was?”
“Ugh. This college girl, Claire? Kate? I don’t remember her name—she was a camp counselor at the sleepaway camp.”
Velvet looked puzzled. “Sleep-away camp?”
Grace chuckled. “What’d you do on your summer vacations?”
“Europe. Asia once. Egypt. Why? What’s sleepaway camp?”
Grace laughed. “Just what it sounds like. Summer camp, but instead of going home to your family every night you stay in cabins and live there for a couple months or whatever.”
Velvet looked fascinated but still out-of-her-depth. “And there is sex at these camps?”
Grace erupted with laughter. What planet was this chick from? “Well it wasn’t a sanctioned activity or anything; it wasn’t like arts-n-crafts, archery, swimming, and oh, sex!” She chuckled and Velvet laughed nervously. “Um, hoo. But yeah, a bunch of teenagers and young adults, hormones flying around, bodies changing, no parental guidance? Yeah, there was sex at sleepaway camp. Yes.”
From the look on her face Grace would have bet money that Velvet was making a silent vow never to send her children to sleep away camp. She grinned at the girl.
“Jones fell in love with this counselor—all the boys were crazy in love with her, well, wait, ‘love’ isn’t quite the right word, but you know, and he was infatuated, and when she broke up with her meat-head boyfriend she took Jonah into her bunk for a while.”
Velvet’s jaw dropped. “What happened?”
“Um, they fooled around for like a whole month and then it was the end of summer and Jones was ready to do the long-distance dating, wanted to make it work, and whatnot, but she turned him down. I mean, she was going to be a sophomore in college and he was what, 15? 16?”
Velvet stared past Grace at the wall.
“And then you two started dating?”
Grace drew a breath and thought about it. “Yeah, it took us both a while to mend our broken hearts, or, egos really, after that summer, and we kind of helped eachother get over those failed relationships, and then, yeah, we realized one day that maybe we should date.” And by ‘realized maybe we should date’ Grace meant, of course, that they’d been hugging, like friends do, and then they’d pulled apart too slowly, and lingered in the embrace, and then: Bam. They’d started making out like crazy.
“Who was your first then?” Asked Velvet, unable to contain her curiosity.
“That college girl’s meathead boyfriend.” Grace confessed with a sardonic twist to her lips.
Velvet covered her shocked smile with a hand. “No!”
Grace nodded ruefully. “Yup. He was gorgeous.” He had been. “He wasn’t a counselor, he was more like, a handy-man or whatever around the camp. Maintenance and stuff. We fucked in the tool shed once.” Whoops. She should watch her language.
But Velvet looked delighted. “Oh my goodness, was he any good?”
Grace weighed this for a moment before answering. “He was gorgeous.” She reiterated. “And, um, powerful.” She added, thinking of the rigorous poundings she’d engaged in at every opportune moment.
Velvet tittered appreciatively. “He didn’t make you come though.”
“Not on purpose, no.”
Velvet squealed with laughter. “The first boys I fooled around with didn’t make me come either.” She lamented. “They were also quite gorgeous.” She confided with a twinkle. “One was this guitarist, he was in a band, but mother didn’t like that one bit and sent me abroad for a while. That’s where I fell in love with Pietro.” The girl sighed and her eyes got far away. “I sucked his dick.” She said plainly.
Grace laughed. Some finishing school. “Did he return the favor?”
Velvet laughed softly. “He went down there and did a few things but, to be honest? I think he was gay. I was practically begging to lose my virginity and all he seemed to want from me was oral.” She looked thoughtful. “And kissing.” She sighed and swept her bags across her forehead. “He was so fucking good looking. And well dressed.”
Grace grinned. Then she sobered a little. “So, was? Is?” She stopped, took a breath and braced herself. “Your husband, was he?”
Velvet’s eyes swam back to the present and her flawless complexion darkened perceptibly. “My first? Yes.” She said. “And he’s quite good.” She added bitterly.
Yes. So she’d heard.
Grace didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t be painfully awkward so she shut the hell up and let the girl recount whatever she was recounting in that pretty little head of hers.
“He gave me my first orgasm, and I thought—“ She took a breath and shook her head amazedly. “—I thought he was like a god for being able to make me feel like that.” She nodded to herself, a dazed look in her pale eyes. “I would have done anything he asked, anything, just to feel the way only he could make me feel.”
Jesus. How good was the guy? He was only human right?
Velvet’s eyes snapped back to the present with the swiftness of a striking hammer. “But Jonah is amazing.” She said bluntly, even accusingly.
Grace felt startled. Why was she looking at her like that, what the hell was she being accused of? “Oh.” Said Grace, dumbly. “Good.”
“No, like, amazing. Phenomenal.”
Grace nodded out of politeness. “That bodes well.” She said carefully. She could imagine. He’d always been considerate and creative and incredibly passionate. And yeah. Really fucking good.
“Was he not good when you were together?”
Oh. There’s where the accusation was stemming from. Grace blushed. They’d learned a lot together. Practiced, um, a lot. Quite a lot.
“He was great.” She said lamely.
Velvet tilted her head, not content with the euphemistic brush-off.
“Did he make you come?”
Oh, all the time. “Yes.” She tried not to think too hard about when the last time her husband had managed to make her orgasm might have been. Too damn long. She’d never faked a single time with Jonah.
“Then why’d you stop dating?” the girl asked, clearly mystified.
Grace absently ran a hand over her belly as she tried to think of a way to explain without revealing their secret. “After a while, even though the sex was always great, after a while we just felt more comfortable hanging out, being friends, you know.”
Velvet’s answering expression communicated very clearly that she did not know at all. And that she was concerned it might happen to her.
“We weren’t meant to be.” Grace said gently. “We’re best friends, sure, but we aren’t soulmates.” Such baloney, but it worked. The girl’s impossibly large eyes seemed to grow another size or two and she lit up.
“Soulmates.” She murmured, her eyes misting over. “I fell in love with him the minute I looked into his eyes.” She marveled softly.
Grace was proud of herself that she managed not to roll her eyes. If she had a dollar for everytime she’d heard that. They were pretty spectacular eyes.
“He seems head-over-heels for you.” Grace admitted generously.
“Really?!”
“You’re living with him, planning a nursery, having phenomenal sex, and getting lunches made for you. I think you might have found your soulmate.” Grace kept her tone lightly teasing. “And I’ve never seen him like this.” She added after a moment of watching Velvet’s silly grin. “He’s pretty deep in love.”
The girl smiled and cradled her round belly on both arms lovingly.
“So you don’t want him back?” She asked tentatively.
“I’m married.” Grace said reflexively.
“So am I.” Velvet pointed out logically.
“I’m in love with my husband.” She responded as gently but firmly as possible.
Velvet nodded, apparently satisfied.
Grace wanted to ask more, but held off. Maybe she’d screw up enough courage tomorrow. She wanted to know if Velvet really intended on raising that baby here in the Delaney brothers’ bachelor pad. If she really planned on divorcing her husband. She could foresee worlds of heartache and pain awaiting Jonah if this girl let him play daddy for a while and then decided she was done with this rebound fling. Because Grace knew Jones well enough to know he’d love that baby boy like a son. Hell, he probably already did. God dammit. She found herself actually praying that this relationship stuck. That this one would work out for him.
“Be good to him; He’s a once-in-a-lifetime.” Grace heard herself say to Velvet as she stood. She needed to pee before they sat down to lunch.
Velvet giggled. “You really are just like a sister.” She marveled and wrapped her little arms around Grace wholeheartedly.
Grace returned the hug awkwardly, unused to feminine enthusiasm, and unused to hugging another very pregnant individual. “We’ll have plenty of time to chat and bond and bitch and gossip tomorrow. Right now I have to pee so bad I can taste it, and Jones is probably out there ready to throw himself into traffic he’s so nervous about what I’m telling you in here, so what’s say we put him out of his misery?”
Velvet released her from the deceptively viselike hug and beamed with warmth and satisfaction.
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