Ultimatum?

I want to get a few thoughts down. I read through all the material I had on my fairytale last night and this morning. My initial gut reaction to the abysmal writing was honest and fairly accurate, but I will say this for it: it gets better. The first three chapters are very highly stylized, like the stained-glass beginning of Disney’s Beauty & The Beast film. There’s a certain distance, a detatched sort of almost biblical simplicity. Have you read the bible? Good stories, not too exciting from a writing (or reading) perspective.

So I think I get where I was coming from, and there are, believe it or not (I was surprised), some nuggets of good stuff in there. Then from chapter three on, when we’re done with the ‘origin’, done with the mystical history of how we got where we are now in the story, the writing, the characters, the whole thing sort of vaults into action and it is pretty fun.

I was disappointed when there was no more.

But I’ll tell you this: this isn’t a fairy tale. It is most definitely a novel. A novel for young adults, maybe young readers, but it is not a fairy tale. Its an adventure story, a quest, and it doesn’t look like it will be very short. So far the chapters are small but hell, we haven’t even left the castle grounds yet and If I remember my plan for the story arc correctly there’s a whole wide world out there and lots of obstacles await before our heroine even meets the mate of her soul and saves the world.

So. I have a couple options. First & Foremost option: Throw it out. I know this seems extreme and feels a little violent and unnecessary, but sometimes a purge is better for the creativity than trying to re-construct, re-design, and fix-up an ailing patient with no guarantee for quality of life after surgery.

Second: Use the spirit of it, use the idea but simplify, simplify, simplify. Write an honest-to-goodness fairy tale. A picture book with a few words here and there and be done with it. Some upsides to this plan is it might help me really clarify my vision for longer stories and there would be a product to show for my efforts instead of a bunch of chapters with no hope of completion. I might get several done and then could return to trying my hand at the novel form.

So. There we are. The last option is to take the hint the universe is dropping on me and forget about writing. Some people aren’t meant for it. I can’t tell you how many people in acting school really shouldn’t have been there. Oh that sounds terrible coming from a future theatre-educator. And honestly- some of those people whom I believed should give up go home and do something else- some of those folks have found a great deal of success in the business and are very happy because they have the passion and the relentless persistence to go to audition after audition and make the odds favor them even if god-given talent does not.

I was ‘smart’ about the whole thing. I realized I wasn’t supremely cast-able despite my talent, and I also realized that even though I had a great deal of skill and talent I still wasn’t SO amazing that it would overcome my detractions. I wanted a family and did not want to gamble all that on whether or not I could finally make a big break. So I finished school and more school after that and what do I have to show for it?

Ok. This blog isn’t a bitch fest so I’m going to stop there. I’m just saying- before I go chasing another unlikely artistic endeavor maybe I’d better just nip it in the bud, suck it up and work a damned 9-5 like I was obviously meant to do. Maybe it will come down to taking prescription medication again in order to maintain an equilibrium and avoid the deep, sinking depression that always rears its head when I’ve been away from the arts too long. Well, if that’s what it takes for me to lead a real life, a normal life, then so be it.

I have an amazing husband who has sacrificed so much for me. Parents who have given me everything and now are struggling to live. I need to get over myself, make steady money and help those who have done everything to help me.
Why does that sound like a death knell? What kind of selfish person feels grief over doing what they should and must do?

If we weren’t so poor I think I’d finally see somebody.

When I get a real job with real insurance I plan on making an appointment.