Everything in Moderation?

There's been alot of talk and hubbub and buzz around the power of positive thinking, about willing things into being, about putting on a happy face and being new and starting fresh and making happiness and all that jazz.

I have been one of those who goes through this cycle time and time again.  Make my own happiness, pilot my own destiny, create the self I want to be.

This time around I admit to feeling a bit cynical.  In so many ways I am completely wide-eyed and enthusiastic, and believe anything can happen.  But for whatever reason, I'm just not quite on the positive thinking = solution to everything problem just yet.

I want to believe.  I try.  But I am, apparently, a big ball of negative energy.  A friend to no one, enemy to all the rays of sunshine out there.

Believe me, I'd love to will away the bills I have to pay.  Happy thoughts my way to a better body and a healthy self-image.  Magic my apartment into the dream apartment.  Be Zen and chill about the old fertility hot-button. 

I want those things.  And on some days I can even bee merry and cheerful and adapt the sorta bouyant que sera, sera attitude that is so thoroughly en vogue among kids my age these days.

But most days the cynic within chuckles, shakes her hear, quirks an eyebrow and says:  Are you fucking kidding me?  Get the fuck over yourself and knock it the fuck off, lunatic.  This costume doesn't fir you, this isn't a role you should pretend to play.  Fake fake fake fake fake. 

The cynic in me is a sassy bitch.  But I prefer her tough-as-nails persona to the weepy depressant within.  That chick's a real downer :(

I've seen true blue friends stick by me.  I've watched fairweather friends up and evaporate.  Positive thinking only slightly improves my days, but a protein shake in the morning does wonders for my energy levels (Bolthouse Farms, delish!  but I am poor, so this cannot be a daily habit!)-- but that requires me to be motivated enough to curtail morning cuddles and get out of the house early enough to treat myself.

I thought so many positive, warm, amazing, willing thoughts about so many ventures that died in infancy, or were aborted before even taking a breath.  And then other thins spring out of the blue; some of the best things that have ever happened to me had nothing whatsoever to do with my conscious wishes or motivations.  And I know, I know, I know.  Someone will answer me with something along the lines of 'what you put out in the universe' and my mother would say 'mysterious ways' or something about doors and windows and yadda yadda yadda.

I just know that lately, with the positive thinking, it feels a bit more like willful delusion than anything healthy or productive.  I guess the old saying may hold truest:  Everything in moderation.  I will endeavor to be more positive, less of a sourpuss or a grumpy gus.  I will do my best to stop myself from outright negativity, try to examine my attitude and adjust as necessary.  But I'm going to focus my energy on living my life, experienceing my emotions as they come to me, celebrate that I'm a bit of a bitch, own that I am moody, accept that I will not always be sunny and sweet, and love the woman that I am.  Stop trying to reinvent myself; rather, embrace the person that I've been whipping and abusing, and degrading all these years.  No wonder the poor thing has anger issues and cowers at a raised hand--she's been abused!  I will try to rescue her, show her consistency and love and support.  She's not a bad dog, just misunderstood.  Just some bad habits.