Resentment and Thanksgiving

Wasn't well yesterday. An entire day wasted to feeling ookie, lethargic, uninspired, achy and gross.

;Felt alot better by the nighttime, which was something, but I still wasn't in the wirting frame of being. so instead I picked up a book to read. The girl with the dragon tattoo?? anyone read it? It's a hit, I guess. Movie and everything. So I read the prologue. no, make that- I read the first three paragraphs of the prologue and resented the book for being so fucking well written. For real. That's a slice of my psychosis for you. It was really good, this prologue. It hooked me, it held me, it hinted to me and it was a really good prologue. So much better than I was expecting a piece of pop fiction to be.

And it made me simultaneously want to read this book and give up my clumsy efforts all at once! So... fun fun.

I've always been that way though. Oh, someone else is good at something I like doing? fuck this, then, now I won't even bother doing it anymore, pouty face.

With acting it took me a long time to get over this ridiculous compulsion. and learn from those who were more skilled and talented. A long time and thousands of dollars.

With directing? Not there yet. I'm in the 'inspired by other directors' phase, but this goes hand in hand with the 'I'm not good enough\smart enough\committed enough\ talented enough\inspired enough\creative enough\skilled enough to do this' phase of my journey in directing.

And writing? Forget it. if you think the above mentioned phase is kind of a down-on-yourself bummer, then you couldn't imagine the litany of invectives i have hurled at myself about the writing.

And teaching too. I'm most definitely in the 'i don't wanna do this ever because I am not capable or equipped to do this' phase with teaching. for real. I wanna run the other direction and never look back. Which is a sunny sort of attitude to have whilst working in three different school settings!!

Anyway. Just an update on my headspace and heartspace at present.

Sounds like A is done in the shower, so I gotta get my shoes on; we lost a whole day yesterday and need to get a hell of alot done right now.

Hope you all are enjoying a lazy sunday :)

Oh, before I forget; I floated the idea of maybe not going over Aaron's gramma's for thanksgiving and actually having our own little vegetarian thanksgiving here at home and guess what? He didn't reject it out of hand. He didn't dismiss it outright! I mean, listen, i can wait to have my own thanksgiving, I can, I understand the tradition and the family and all that hooey, but I can't express how much I've been fantasizing about having our own little day here together. i've been making tentative menus, trying to see which dishes could work as a thanksgiving sans turkey. And I think I want the challenge. Want to start our own traditions and memories and all that.

We'll see. I think if not this year then definitely next year. I'm champing at the bit to be our own little family, you know?

Also, I don't know if you know this, but I went vegetarian the day after thanksgiving last year, so I anticipate this holiday will be a very challenging one for me. My first thanksgiving without turkey?!?!? I am so nervous.

Will keep you posted on that.

In case you're wondering:

Stuffed Acorn Squash
Harvest Bake
Vegetable Pot Pie (or maybe vegetable shepherd's pie!)
Cornbread
Maybe a bechemel lasagna?

Soooo much food. Maybe not the lasagna.