Miss Reardon pines...

The hours after I posted weren't as bad as that first one.  I learned about a few things that seem like they might be really valuable!  And fun.

But in the end, I have mixed feelings.  I got 6 PDPs, which, I dunno, are something a teacher is tasked with aquiring for some reason or another.  Anyhow, I got some of those-for free-- which I gather is a boon. 

Professional development.

For a profession about which I am luke-warm right now.  Tepid at best.

My heart wants OUT!

My head knows I need to stay and keep chipping away at it.

Aaron says I've never had any job very long and that this is my normal pattern.  He tells me that I hate working.  ANY job, and always try to find a way out, always begin to look at alternatives.  He thinks I generally end up liking my jobs after this phase of push-back and wanderlust.

We'll see.

I have found myself resenting how much time and energy and creativity goes into this bullshit career.  I think to myself:  If only this placeholder career didn't take up so much of my fucking time, perhaps I'd have time to train/prepare for my next one! 

See, I've pretty much decided that I don't want to be a teacher forever.  At least not this kind of teacher.  Maybe if I were a drama teacher, or maybe if I were a college professor (where at least I could curse like a sailor and not be afraid of mentioning anything at all remotely sexual...again, I'd be a theatre professor, so it'd be impossible not to discuss the most basic human motivation after hunger...).

But not this.  Not this bizarre in-between of elementary school teacher and high-school teacher.  Not this job that simultaneously requires that I be a molly-coddler and a whip-cracker.

And btw, my biggest fear when I was in high-school (besides unwanted pregnancy) was becoming a teacher... especially a fucking english teacher.  Weren't all your english teachers bananas?  Mine were.  Crazy, unhinged, fruitloops, and very very often bitches royale!

Aaron affectionately tells me that I'm the perfect kind of crazy to be a middle school english teacher.  He thinks its great and that the kids must love me.  I'm not so sure.  And it freaks me out that I might have been 'destined' or whatever, to be this...

I want to work in the entertainment industry.  I don't want to be an actor--I left that for a whole host of reasons.  It wasn't just:  have something to fall back on.  There was something about being an actor that felt so... haphazard.  So much of that career is out of your hands.  Up to the fates.  The whims and arbitrary decisions of strangers.  I didn not like the powerlessness I felt, even at my most empowered.

I left acting for many reasons and it is a door I've pretty well shut forever.  In fact, I'm a little tired of teaching middle school drama too.  Drama alltogether!  (not altogether, because that would be an exciting way to teach drama!  eww, but not to middleschoolers, yuck.  How about them college kids, though?? yeahhhhhh..... anyway....)

I want to be someone more in the director's realm.  But I'm not ready to spearhead anything.  Or be in charge of too many other people.  But I want a job in the creative arts industry.  And I'd like to not be responsible for anyon'es learning for a while.

I mean.  I was looking at the NEA and other arts + education organizations and wondering if maybe I'd be best talking about arts education, rather than actually doing it.  But I'd feel like a fraud.  You know?  Designing lessons I'd never have to implement personally?  What an asshole!

And I'm really intrigued with the idea of educational gaming.  Well.  Not entirely true.  I'm intrigued with the idea of gaming, and getting into the gaming industry, and I guess I figure since I have all this educational background, that's how I might be able to find an 'in'.

But this is all moot.

Because I have a job.  And It's the one I need to be doing.  For a long, long, long, long, time.