It was... Some Dickens Quotation...

You know, the best of times, the worst of times?

Yeah.  Some of that going on hardcore.

Some Best of times.  On monday I started my second round of Drama enrichment at aftercare.  I was super not looking forward to this, as I didn't particularly enjoy the first round, but hey, I'm compensated well and this is something in my particular skill set, so meh. 

Whilst playing the "I'm going on a picnic" Name learnin game, I was reminded of how great my job is.  You know the drill, right?  You're going on a picnic and you bring something for said hypothetical picnic, an item that starts with the same letter as your name, so as to help folks remember your name better.  I have a student from last session that I still call just 'Salt' when I see her in the halls.  This happens.  I have another called 'Monkeys' (kids don't always bring food or condiments to these picnics), and another named 'Rainbows', because she just didn't think raisins were spectacular enough to bring to this picnic of ours.


So some very concerned drama kids raise their little hands when I ask if anyone has any questions before we begin.


"Do you have to like the thing you bring?"  Asks one furrowed-brow lil punkin. 


"No, I explain, You can bring it and maybe someone else at the picnic will like it!"


Ok.


Then a very panicked little girl waves her hand around desperately. 


"Wait!  Do you have to eat what you bring?!?!?!"


I stare for a beat.  This is, once again, an imaginary, hypothetical, non-existent picnic.  I am staggered by the pure and amazing power of the imagination of children.  I want to wrap her up in a hug and thank her for reminding me of why I fell in love with teaching theatre in the first place.


"No, honey, you don't have to eat it just cuz you brought it.  Just put it on the picnic table and somebody will eat it!"


She looked enormously relieved.  Incidentally, she ended up bringing not one item to this picnic, but a whopping three!  "My name is Mina, and I'm bringing Mangoes, Munchkins and Muffins!" 


And it's a good thing she brought those, because hardly anybody brought food!  Jesus.  We had Monkeys for Entertainment (She insists that we say the whole thing, btw, and not just plain Monkeys!), we had leopards, jaguars, snakes, Daniel brought a dance floor, a dj, and a discoball!  But we sure as hell didn't have any traditional picnic fare like lemonade or sandwiches or macaroni salad or anything.  And I wouldn't want it any other way, to be perfectly honest.

Another Best of Times:  My marriage has never been stronger (wait for it, this is right about the time where I start believeing we're smooth sailing and we have a wild argument about a mystery soda bottle and almost get divorced over it, right?).  I had some worst-of-times last night, a break down really, over bills and finances and crippling debt, and about the summer program that hangs in limbo, and about putting myself out there and getting turned down, and just every every every thing all piles up together and rolled in PMS sprinkles for added punch.  And the man held me.  And loved me.  And promised me that everything would work out.


I wanted to cease being.  I prayed for whatever deity might be up there to simply kill me in my sleep.  I told Aaron to leave me, that I am doing nothing but holding him back.  I apologized and apologized and sobbed and cried and wept and railed.  I want to jump off a bridge because it feels like I work and work and work and never get ahead.  I hate my job, I hate myself and yet what do I do to better my lot?  I don't!  I cower in a corner, crouch in a cozy sweater and write fiction or sit trace-like infront of a consuming video game and I ignore my problems until they come, nightmare-style, screaming and pounding and hollering.


I am unworthy, and yet he stays.  I am a disaster and yet he loves.  I am a mess and he makes me laugh.  I am vulnerable and her cradles me.  I am unable to fall asleep, and he strokes my hair and sings me to sleep.


He is, as always, most definitely the best of times.  The very best.


I guess I touched upon some of the worst of times there.  But there's more.  All my jobs are giving me a rocky time of it right now, pushing me to the brink of what I believe I can stomach\tolerate\endure.  And Next year?  The thought of doing this job again makes me ill.  And stressed.  And suicidal.  (but I'm not supposed to say that anymore.)


And I have already made the FIRM decision not to return to my thursday night gig once this year is through.  Do me a favor:  If I waver on this, remind me that my decision is FIRM FIRM FIRM.  They have jerked me around alot this year, and I've endured it with as much good grace as yours truly ever has.  But this last offense was too much, too far, and too hurtful.  I do not need to work in a place that treats me thus.  (Well.  I do not need a one-day-a-week job that treats me thus, when I could simply pick up that day at aftercare and make the same money with the barest fraction of the stress!)


It is simply not worth it to me.  They talk a good game about me being part of the team, about me building the program up, but at the slightest bump in the road (or, rather, imagined bump) they do not hesitate to throw me right the fuck under the proverbial bus!!  I am outraged.  And Disgusted.  And beyond apathetic about the rest of the year there now.


I said to Aaron last night that I have never wanted to be apathetic about anything.  I always thought Apathy the most unforgiveable of things to be.  Now I am apathetic about so very much. 


Not apathetic about:  My new Videogame.  It is really really good, you guys.  Engaging, interesting, exciting.  I think it isn't as challenging as it could be, but I think it's my own fault, because I'm too chicken to play on 'normal' and have the difficulty setting on 'casual'.  Maybe I'll up the ante. 


Best of times:  Had a great sandwich from the bean last night, and some good conversation with my friend.  Worst of times?  I'm an ass, and a fool, and a silly, silly girl.



Best of times:  No ISS today because I was proctoring a test!  Worst of times:  Nope.  This was a win-win.


Best of times:  PAX is this weekend!  Worst of times:  Fucking eRic willbe there.  gross.  I have so much unexpressed anger toward the kid, I might just be unable to control the inner bitch, which sucks, because all I want is to have a good time.

Best of times:  The week is almost over!  Worst of times: When is April Vaca?  Ugh.


Best of times: Caprese sandies for din din. Worst of Times: I have to get through thursday night drama first. 


Best of times:  I may be part of something great this summer!  Worst of times:  I may not.  And I may have to crawl on my belly to whoever the new boss will be at A1S1.


Best of times:  I woke up feeling much better than I could have imagined, given the state I was in before bed.  Worst of times:  I still can't pay my bills.  For real.  I'm not exaggerating.  So there's that.

Love and Rainbows and Sparkles and Starshine!

 A Tale of Two Beths.

I am thoughtlessly perfect and effortlessly magnetic, haven't you heard? lol