Last night I had a very pleasant dream, the first in some time, and it helped me feel optimistic and cheerful when I awoke. It was about the summer theatre endeavor, and it was so warm and hopeful and positive that it filled me with verve and certainty.
I realize life is never quite like the dreams we build, but I want to believe in this so very much!
But I woke up happy for the first time in days and days. Some of this was likely due to the fact that it is fucking SATURDAY, and that a very long week is behind me. But some of it must be attributed to the magic of what I sincerely hope we're building his summer. So now it is time to put our dreams into action and build a reality that is positive, productive, and progressive.
Strangely, now that I reflect on the dream, I was noticeably not at my best in the dream. I was unprepared for the surging success of the little start-up program that we'd created. I showed up on the first day and our enrollment had swelled miraculaously to at least 40 highschoolers, and I was pleased, I was thrilled and I marveled at the magic touch our executive director has with things like this, but I wasn't actually ready to go. I held back, I allowed others to lead the warm-ups while my brain scrambled to put together an effective first-day lesson plan. I could't think of a single other NAME GAME besides "I'm going on a picnic", and I knew I didn't want to play that one with so many highschoolers (it works better in smaller groups). I wanted to WOW these kids, and I was drawing a blank. There was this awareness that if this first day wasn't completely amazing then they might not come back tomorrow.
And yet. All the kids were dream students. They were enthusiastic, they were outgoing, they were patient, they were energetic (without being asshole show-off spazzoids), they were ready to go and they were committed. I didn't get the sense that any one of them might not come back. And even though I deferred the duties that really should have been mine? It was OK. Noone was looking at me expectantly, no one was looking at me critically. I stepped back and let someone else lead some opening exersizes while I tried to throw together a plan of attack for the day, and nothing went wrong. And I didn't feel like a failure. I felt unprepared, but not panicked. I felt less than useful, but optimistic that I would step up to the plate and deliver asap.
So even though I wasn't my ideal self, wasn't the perfect teacher or drama instructor that I strive to be, it was ok. And the over all feeling of the dream was happy, was assured, was gratitude and excitement and blessings and love. Warm and glowy.
Now I realize that this was a fucking dream, folks. The very idea that 40 high school drama kids could be in a room together and not somewhat self-conscious or show-boat-y, or obnoxious or diva-licious? I have been teaching drama long enough to know how unrealistic this is. We will encounter pains in the ass. We will have to deal with shyness. Not every student (when we get students) will be ideal, not every one of them will take their development seriously.
And the other reality nis, of course, what if we don't get enough students? Don't generate enough interest? These are nightmare scenarios, and I want to bask in the warm glow of that sigh-cuddle-sigh happy dream for a while.
It filled me with a renewed sense of purpose. I'm going to wrap this up and look up every drama director in the Taunton and surrounding areas, get their contact info and deliver a comprehensive list to my Exec Director at out big get-together dinner this evening. And I'm going to make whatever voice I have in me heard tonight. I am a valuable member of this team. And I might not always be ready at the right times, I might have to scramble and re-think on the fly, and bend my mind around new ways of thinking, but that is OK. I will be ok. I am loved and appreciated and wanted despite my many imperfections as an educator, as a team member, as a person. I have value. I have worth. I have alot to do and not alot of time in which to do it, so for now? See you soon.
~Beth
I realize life is never quite like the dreams we build, but I want to believe in this so very much!
But I woke up happy for the first time in days and days. Some of this was likely due to the fact that it is fucking SATURDAY, and that a very long week is behind me. But some of it must be attributed to the magic of what I sincerely hope we're building his summer. So now it is time to put our dreams into action and build a reality that is positive, productive, and progressive.
Strangely, now that I reflect on the dream, I was noticeably not at my best in the dream. I was unprepared for the surging success of the little start-up program that we'd created. I showed up on the first day and our enrollment had swelled miraculaously to at least 40 highschoolers, and I was pleased, I was thrilled and I marveled at the magic touch our executive director has with things like this, but I wasn't actually ready to go. I held back, I allowed others to lead the warm-ups while my brain scrambled to put together an effective first-day lesson plan. I could't think of a single other NAME GAME besides "I'm going on a picnic", and I knew I didn't want to play that one with so many highschoolers (it works better in smaller groups). I wanted to WOW these kids, and I was drawing a blank. There was this awareness that if this first day wasn't completely amazing then they might not come back tomorrow.
And yet. All the kids were dream students. They were enthusiastic, they were outgoing, they were patient, they were energetic (without being asshole show-off spazzoids), they were ready to go and they were committed. I didn't get the sense that any one of them might not come back. And even though I deferred the duties that really should have been mine? It was OK. Noone was looking at me expectantly, no one was looking at me critically. I stepped back and let someone else lead some opening exersizes while I tried to throw together a plan of attack for the day, and nothing went wrong. And I didn't feel like a failure. I felt unprepared, but not panicked. I felt less than useful, but optimistic that I would step up to the plate and deliver asap.
So even though I wasn't my ideal self, wasn't the perfect teacher or drama instructor that I strive to be, it was ok. And the over all feeling of the dream was happy, was assured, was gratitude and excitement and blessings and love. Warm and glowy.
Now I realize that this was a fucking dream, folks. The very idea that 40 high school drama kids could be in a room together and not somewhat self-conscious or show-boat-y, or obnoxious or diva-licious? I have been teaching drama long enough to know how unrealistic this is. We will encounter pains in the ass. We will have to deal with shyness. Not every student (when we get students) will be ideal, not every one of them will take their development seriously.
And the other reality nis, of course, what if we don't get enough students? Don't generate enough interest? These are nightmare scenarios, and I want to bask in the warm glow of that sigh-cuddle-sigh happy dream for a while.
It filled me with a renewed sense of purpose. I'm going to wrap this up and look up every drama director in the Taunton and surrounding areas, get their contact info and deliver a comprehensive list to my Exec Director at out big get-together dinner this evening. And I'm going to make whatever voice I have in me heard tonight. I am a valuable member of this team. And I might not always be ready at the right times, I might have to scramble and re-think on the fly, and bend my mind around new ways of thinking, but that is OK. I will be ok. I am loved and appreciated and wanted despite my many imperfections as an educator, as a team member, as a person. I have value. I have worth. I have alot to do and not alot of time in which to do it, so for now? See you soon.
~Beth
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