Whatever happened to barbituates?

Babysat my niece Natalie yesterday.  It was a lovely time.  She is SOOOOO verbal now, it is hard to believe!  She says so many things and even makes small phrases and simple sentences in many cases.  And she's full of personality, which is always tons of fun.  And Aaron is just great with her.  He's a natural teacher, and his instincts are splendid.

No update on the Eric business.  I'm weary of it and wary too.  Wary because of the fight.  I want it all to go away.  I feel this crushing feeling on my chest everytime he's in the house, this weight around my shoulders, this tension grippping my heart and soul.  It just ain't healthy folks.  I've tried, in recent days, to relax into it, to chillax, if you will, and to accept that this situation may just be interminable.

I almost moved out.  Did I tell you that?  Saturday.  I had made the decision friday night, in the awful aftermath of the fight, to move out for good.  Alot of factors went into this decision, not just the Eric stuff, obviously, but alot of stuff. 

I discovered about myself that I am weak, and a coward, and have very little self respect.  That sounds bad, doesn't it?  I'm hard on myself.  But I tried to counsel myself the way I'd counsel a friend in the same situation and every which way I looked at it it all added up to the imperative to move the fuck out and move the fuck on.

Only guess what?  I happen to love my husband.  And am in love with him.  And I value the last Decade and a half we've spent building a life together.  And this makes cold, rational, clear-as-crystal decision making a real muddy mess.

I sound like one of those women. ugh. 

So I haven't moved out.  In fact, I cleaned the apartment!  Turn those frowns upside down ladies, and reach for the pledge! 

But, sexist overtones aside, it is a much less wretched atmosphere since the cleaning.  Perhaps I'll take up the midwestern woman's habit of slapping on a little eye makeup and lipstick whenever I'm feeling out of sorts.  Or get my hair did. 

Nah.  More likely I'll shank a bitch.

Oh, and guess what?  I'm pretty sure the kid missed work again today.  It sure looked like it was heading that way when I was leaving this morning.  No word from the hubs yet, but I'd put good money on it.

And still no idea when Aaron plans on lowering the boom and announcing the move-out date.

42 days till MARCH 1ST DEADLINE

I am beginning the countdown.