Cock in Hand Party!

Tonight is the first official Cock-in-Hand party, or Underbum party, or Tongue-in-Ass party, or to be perfectly G-rated about it, the SPARTACUS viewing party at The Pigeon Coop!

Fuck Yeah!!!

It is time for a new season, and you know what that means?!?!?!?

Plenty of new ancient-sounding curse words, all new ways of showing us the delicious part of a firm male form, the UNDERBUM, as Danielle likes to call it; New scandal, new gallons upon gallons of hyper-stylized animated blood from grousome looking wounds, new kinky sex positions with new inappropriate sex partners, and oh yes ladies, let us not forget to get our fabulous fix for the latest styles of MERKINS!

Looks like something I'd find under my couch...

Let me just say that this is a show I started watching one day out of sheer boredom.  I had finished watching all of some tv series or other and was craving something new to feast my tv addicted brain on.  Since I'd consumed all the America's Next Top Model to date, it was with a heavy sigh that I scrolled through the titles on some illegal streaming video site or other and with a shrug of ennui clicked upon SPARTACUS: BLOOD AND SAND.


At first I felt guilty and ashamed, watching it.  His wig at the start of season one made me feel especially icky...

Uck.  I've seen better looking Merkins!

But there was enough steamy sex right away to hold my fevered attention, and soon enough (thank the gods), the ratty tresses were shed, and we had a nicely shorn, nicely near-naked protagonist in a world of seedy carnality and feast-for-the-eyes semi-nudity.


This is not your father's Spartacus, ladies and gents....    Spatacus Then & Now....

Captain BarrelChest McAwfulspeedo 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Holy Moly...lost my train of....Hi there....Um....Is it hot in here??

Where once there stood strapping men in diapers, we now have chiseled gods in skimpy bits of cloth that make us giggle and 'mmmmmm'.

This was a show that I quickly consumed like crack cocaine, and did so with much the same level of guilt and shame.  I tried to hide my habit from my husband and explain it away. 

"Whatcha watchin'?"
"Nothing...just some...just a show."
"Sounds like gladiators...." He says suspiciously.
"Yeah.  It is."  I reply. Turning my laptop screen away from his prying eyes.  "But you wouldn't like it."
"Sound like something I would like--"  He says as the sounds of sexy sex emanate from my little speakers
"No, no, nope.  This is... This is for women.  And Gay Men.  That's the demographic, so, you wouldn't like it..."

But eventually his curiosity got the better of him and he insisted on watching a few scenes, just to see what I was so hooked on.

Turns out I was wildly wrong about my assertion about only Women and Gay men liking this series.  He was hooked!  Turns out the straights (I know, Aaron bends the rule on 'straight', but there are others, I swear!) dig the show's brutal style and gritty aesthetic.  Plus all the bared tits and ass, I'm sure.  There's tons of gorgeous breastage in the show as well.

And, keeping to the 'authentic' aesthetic, all the breasts are 'Natural' which is really great!  Refreshing and sexy as hell!!  Oh yeah, and ladies touch ladies all the time in this show, making it just scrumptious for me....

Yes.  Turns out, once I admitted my new obsession it was as if the whole world suddenly knew and loved the little blood-sex-sand-and-violence fest from STARZ!  My dear friends and I gloried in the creative invectives (I especially heart a show that uses 'Cunt' so liberally, but better yet refers to someone as a 'Bloody Gash' instead of just a plain ole 'pussy'. *Sigh of amused content!)

So, whether you're in it for the exaggerated gore:

Did Spartacus just evicerate the Kool-Aid Man?  Oh Yeahhhhhhh!

The sexy gladiator physique (and implied homo-eroticism inherent...)

Oh yes, teach me Doctore....

Or the prospect of steamy, seedy, deviant sex made somehow more legitimate by the understood gravitas of setting it in ancient Rome (Greece?  Greece under the Roman Empire?  W.E., just bring on the horsecock guy and who gives a shit where it's set??)

Nice Helmet.

Whatever your reasons, know that you are not alone in your guilty pleasure.  Just so long as they keep the merkins trimmed and relegated to the genitals (All the Ladies seem to be miraculously waxed EVERYWHERE else... no Dances with Wolves armpit sitch going on here!), and just as long as they keep stuffing those tiny briefs with prosthetics affectionately termed 'Kirk Douglas'es (Faux Cocks!), then we are good to go!!!!!!!

So Grab hold of your cocks, you festering cunts, and let's put our thumbs in the air for SPARTACUS!  SEASON 2!

And, as is his habit for big premiers or celebrations, my husband has decided to attend IN COSTUME!

This is Aaron's outfit for the Underbum party:

It just won't quit!  MmmmMmmm good.

I'm just going in a silk shawl and a merkin ;)