I thought today would never come!
Now just counting down the hours till I am FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Would that it were for good, and not just a week.
Sigh.
So I thought I'd mention that while I ADORE Christmas songs and am one of those sickos that eagerly awaits the radio stations that begin pumping out the carols WELL before it is at all appropriate to do so, yes, there are, nevertheless, certain Christmas songs that I absolutely abhor!
They are as follows:
Elvis Presley singing Blue Christmas. Holy hell. I want to punch him right in his pretty lips and his bedroom eyes when I hear that hillbilly/bluesy shlock.
Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band in their rendition of Santa Claus is Coming' to Town. Seriously fills me with enough rage to strangle a puppy. Can't say precisely what it is, but good grief it makes me postal. The fact that it is live SHOULD go a long way toward humanizing the man, but he just sounds so fucking smug and full of himself. Every time I hear him chuckle I have a visceral reaction akin to blinding rage...
Travellin Strawberries-- Long Time Ago in Bethlehem. Ok. Maybe it is because I cherish Bing Crosby-esque Christmas with an It's a Wonderful Life sort of aesthetic, but something about this hip, saccarine, happy happy yet religiously saturated Christmas song makes me want to vomit sugar and sparkles. On certain days I will actually catch myself boppin around to the infectious beat when it comes on the radio-- those are the days where I worry about my mental stability. Because, apart from some lovely harmony in the opening section of the song, this song is a disgusting overly sentimental chipperly christian anthem that makes my skin crawl and my teeth grind together in an instinctive distrust for the falsely bright carolers who are forcing their christian joy down my throat with glee. And their vaguely ethnic accents are supposed to-what?--make me feel guilty about my priveleged white american lifestyle? No thank you. i reject the premise entirely.
but dammit if that ain't a catchy beat...
Speaking of shoving sentimentality down my throat: I DESPISE all those modern super-sad and supposedly poignant Christmas songs that are intended to evoke in my a feeling of bittersweet sympathy. They miss the mark utterly. What they evoke in me is rage and scorn. I'm talking about things like 'the Christmas shoes' and "Merry Christmas Darlin'"and shit like that. I can't even tell you all of them because i stoutly refuse to give them a listen when the radio station peppers them in among the REAL Christmas songs. Gross gross grossy grosserson mcgrosspants. if i want to ACTUALLY tear up, if I want to REALLY experience a nostalgic, bittersweet longing for the days when Christmas was simple and pure i will listen to Ms. Garland singing 'Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas" or perhaps a nice simple version of "I'll be home for Christmas", or a very traditional version of "The Little Drummer Boy" (makes me weep like a bitch!)
It's Christmas (baby please come home). Sung by various artists with little variation and no improvement. The parenthetical should be a good indication that this song will suck big time. Theres even a version of Bono (not even sure if it is all members of U2. I think Larry Mullen may have taken one look at this shitcake and declared: 'bloodyfuck, no.") but not even my favorite living artist could imbue this travesty with any semblance of redeeming qualities. It think it is supposed to be pop/Blues? I don't know about that. It sounds like drivel to me. And is it Mariah Carey who sings the most popular one? Gag me. I don't need your vocal olympics and your masturbatory runs for christmas, thanks.
Speaking of masturbatory. ANYTHING BY JOSH GROBIN AND MICHAEL BUBLE. And a fair chunk of sinatra too. Good Christ. "But they have such great voices!" you will exclaim. And I cannot argue on that point. yes. they do. they have very lovely voices. And I feel absolutley NOTHING when they commence to singing, because itis almost as if I can hear their inner monologue: "Yeah...I asound sooo good. Listen to how incredibly talented I am with my golden voice. I am so incredibly talented..." ets. I also imagine that Sinatra's internal monologue goes on to mention how much pussy he'll be getting later and occasionally wondering when his assistant will be popping itno the studio to refill his scotch. As a musical theatre performer and lover, I really can't abide talented singers who have no connection to what they're singing. With these gentlemen I get the impression that they'd sound exactly the same and give the same dead-hearted performance if someone switched the words of 'oh holy night' to 'oh moley flight'. They are robots programmed to sound melifluous (or croonery-cool), and look good while doing it. i say to thee: Meh. I'd rather listen to those perky fucking strawberries.
Any 'cute' or 'clever' version of the twelve days of chritsmas. ESPECIALLY the one with the lady who gets sloshed while singing about all the booze. One hearing only. Seriously. These have ZERO replay value. NONE. One time through and you might have earned a mild chuckle, a nod of vague appreciation for your effort, and that's about all you can expect for one of those gems. PLEASE, i'm really begging for my sanity here, and for the lives of others around me, PLEASE don't replay these abominations over and over and over. Especially the ones that get so wrapped up in their cleverness that they aren't even tuneful anymore. I don't need to listen to the man and his damned christmas lights over and over and over!
And, last, but absolutely not in any way least, the song that I hated so much that I have actually begun to love in a bizarre way; the song that I never ever ever fail to hear whenever I am (and I mean absolutely WHENEVER) out driving between thanksgiving and Christmas: DO THEY KNOW IT'S CHRITMAS - Band Aid.
I mean sweet bleeding jesus. Really?! Like, which of these artists sat down and said: Oh, I have a great idea for a christmas song! and then preceeded to include lyrics like: The only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears?? Oh, and let's not forget my personal fave: And the christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom. The clanging chimes of doom?!?!?!
Well tonight thank god it's them instead of you! (oh Bono. I love you. I really do... sigh...)
Talk about hitting us over the noggin with white guilt, eh? It is so, so, so awful. And it isn't even a good song! All that talent in one room and it really just isn't a particularly well done piece of music! i blame sting. Mostly because I'd like to blame Sting for most things. But really, as a fundraising tool? I think they might have, as my mother always tells me, they might have caught more flies with honey than with that awful vinegar of righteous indignation, finger-pointing, and guilt tripping so extreme it even made jewish mothers crings and avert their eyes. i mean sweet mary! instead of inspiring a generation, you really just made us roll our collective eyes and groan. The greatest gift they'll get this year is life? Ok, well, good. No need for me to send anything then, right? Give it up, Sting! i know it giot record numbers and all, but...really?!? really.
But the funny thing that's happened with that song, is that it is so spectaculary awful, that it is now kitschy! And is a pretty ridiculously fun time if you sing along at full volume with a friend as though you were singing something perky and whimsical like jingle bells or the most wonderful time of the year! I urge you to try this. It makes you feel a lot less homicidal!
So that's my big list. I'm also not a fan of anyone who slows a christmas song down to a crawl for no apparent reason. I mean, if it was already a sort of slow song like "oh holy night' or 'silent night' or whatever, do we really need to do it even slower? And then, if it was a peppy song, was there a aprticular statement you intended to make by pulling it back like that? I just don't see any deep or resonant message in a slow-dance version of 'rockin around the christmas tree' or 'rudolph the red nosed reindeer'. I just feel a pressing impatience for you to pick up the tempo already!
Merry Christmas to those who celebrate. And may I say that the few hannuak songs I know (aside from the dreidel song) are enchantingly and hauntingly beautiful, and I'd love to hear more.
BTW, my Dunk donuts crush was wearing a little headband with mistletoe. Oh you perky, sweet little tease, how I love thee!
Now just counting down the hours till I am FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Would that it were for good, and not just a week.
Sigh.
So I thought I'd mention that while I ADORE Christmas songs and am one of those sickos that eagerly awaits the radio stations that begin pumping out the carols WELL before it is at all appropriate to do so, yes, there are, nevertheless, certain Christmas songs that I absolutely abhor!
They are as follows:
Elvis Presley singing Blue Christmas. Holy hell. I want to punch him right in his pretty lips and his bedroom eyes when I hear that hillbilly/bluesy shlock.
Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band in their rendition of Santa Claus is Coming' to Town. Seriously fills me with enough rage to strangle a puppy. Can't say precisely what it is, but good grief it makes me postal. The fact that it is live SHOULD go a long way toward humanizing the man, but he just sounds so fucking smug and full of himself. Every time I hear him chuckle I have a visceral reaction akin to blinding rage...
Travellin Strawberries-- Long Time Ago in Bethlehem. Ok. Maybe it is because I cherish Bing Crosby-esque Christmas with an It's a Wonderful Life sort of aesthetic, but something about this hip, saccarine, happy happy yet religiously saturated Christmas song makes me want to vomit sugar and sparkles. On certain days I will actually catch myself boppin around to the infectious beat when it comes on the radio-- those are the days where I worry about my mental stability. Because, apart from some lovely harmony in the opening section of the song, this song is a disgusting overly sentimental chipperly christian anthem that makes my skin crawl and my teeth grind together in an instinctive distrust for the falsely bright carolers who are forcing their christian joy down my throat with glee. And their vaguely ethnic accents are supposed to-what?--make me feel guilty about my priveleged white american lifestyle? No thank you. i reject the premise entirely.
but dammit if that ain't a catchy beat...
Speaking of shoving sentimentality down my throat: I DESPISE all those modern super-sad and supposedly poignant Christmas songs that are intended to evoke in my a feeling of bittersweet sympathy. They miss the mark utterly. What they evoke in me is rage and scorn. I'm talking about things like 'the Christmas shoes' and "Merry Christmas Darlin'"and shit like that. I can't even tell you all of them because i stoutly refuse to give them a listen when the radio station peppers them in among the REAL Christmas songs. Gross gross grossy grosserson mcgrosspants. if i want to ACTUALLY tear up, if I want to REALLY experience a nostalgic, bittersweet longing for the days when Christmas was simple and pure i will listen to Ms. Garland singing 'Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas" or perhaps a nice simple version of "I'll be home for Christmas", or a very traditional version of "The Little Drummer Boy" (makes me weep like a bitch!)
It's Christmas (baby please come home). Sung by various artists with little variation and no improvement. The parenthetical should be a good indication that this song will suck big time. Theres even a version of Bono (not even sure if it is all members of U2. I think Larry Mullen may have taken one look at this shitcake and declared: 'bloodyfuck, no.") but not even my favorite living artist could imbue this travesty with any semblance of redeeming qualities. It think it is supposed to be pop/Blues? I don't know about that. It sounds like drivel to me. And is it Mariah Carey who sings the most popular one? Gag me. I don't need your vocal olympics and your masturbatory runs for christmas, thanks.
Speaking of masturbatory. ANYTHING BY JOSH GROBIN AND MICHAEL BUBLE. And a fair chunk of sinatra too. Good Christ. "But they have such great voices!" you will exclaim. And I cannot argue on that point. yes. they do. they have very lovely voices. And I feel absolutley NOTHING when they commence to singing, because itis almost as if I can hear their inner monologue: "Yeah...I asound sooo good. Listen to how incredibly talented I am with my golden voice. I am so incredibly talented..." ets. I also imagine that Sinatra's internal monologue goes on to mention how much pussy he'll be getting later and occasionally wondering when his assistant will be popping itno the studio to refill his scotch. As a musical theatre performer and lover, I really can't abide talented singers who have no connection to what they're singing. With these gentlemen I get the impression that they'd sound exactly the same and give the same dead-hearted performance if someone switched the words of 'oh holy night' to 'oh moley flight'. They are robots programmed to sound melifluous (or croonery-cool), and look good while doing it. i say to thee: Meh. I'd rather listen to those perky fucking strawberries.
Any 'cute' or 'clever' version of the twelve days of chritsmas. ESPECIALLY the one with the lady who gets sloshed while singing about all the booze. One hearing only. Seriously. These have ZERO replay value. NONE. One time through and you might have earned a mild chuckle, a nod of vague appreciation for your effort, and that's about all you can expect for one of those gems. PLEASE, i'm really begging for my sanity here, and for the lives of others around me, PLEASE don't replay these abominations over and over and over. Especially the ones that get so wrapped up in their cleverness that they aren't even tuneful anymore. I don't need to listen to the man and his damned christmas lights over and over and over!
And, last, but absolutely not in any way least, the song that I hated so much that I have actually begun to love in a bizarre way; the song that I never ever ever fail to hear whenever I am (and I mean absolutely WHENEVER) out driving between thanksgiving and Christmas: DO THEY KNOW IT'S CHRITMAS - Band Aid.
I mean sweet bleeding jesus. Really?! Like, which of these artists sat down and said: Oh, I have a great idea for a christmas song! and then preceeded to include lyrics like: The only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears?? Oh, and let's not forget my personal fave: And the christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom. The clanging chimes of doom?!?!?!
Well tonight thank god it's them instead of you! (oh Bono. I love you. I really do... sigh...)
Talk about hitting us over the noggin with white guilt, eh? It is so, so, so awful. And it isn't even a good song! All that talent in one room and it really just isn't a particularly well done piece of music! i blame sting. Mostly because I'd like to blame Sting for most things. But really, as a fundraising tool? I think they might have, as my mother always tells me, they might have caught more flies with honey than with that awful vinegar of righteous indignation, finger-pointing, and guilt tripping so extreme it even made jewish mothers crings and avert their eyes. i mean sweet mary! instead of inspiring a generation, you really just made us roll our collective eyes and groan. The greatest gift they'll get this year is life? Ok, well, good. No need for me to send anything then, right? Give it up, Sting! i know it giot record numbers and all, but...really?!? really.
But the funny thing that's happened with that song, is that it is so spectaculary awful, that it is now kitschy! And is a pretty ridiculously fun time if you sing along at full volume with a friend as though you were singing something perky and whimsical like jingle bells or the most wonderful time of the year! I urge you to try this. It makes you feel a lot less homicidal!
So that's my big list. I'm also not a fan of anyone who slows a christmas song down to a crawl for no apparent reason. I mean, if it was already a sort of slow song like "oh holy night' or 'silent night' or whatever, do we really need to do it even slower? And then, if it was a peppy song, was there a aprticular statement you intended to make by pulling it back like that? I just don't see any deep or resonant message in a slow-dance version of 'rockin around the christmas tree' or 'rudolph the red nosed reindeer'. I just feel a pressing impatience for you to pick up the tempo already!
Merry Christmas to those who celebrate. And may I say that the few hannuak songs I know (aside from the dreidel song) are enchantingly and hauntingly beautiful, and I'd love to hear more.
BTW, my Dunk donuts crush was wearing a little headband with mistletoe. Oh you perky, sweet little tease, how I love thee!
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