Today I was feeling nostalgic for last spring. The days of unemployment, the hours spent with good friends, the holding my breath and the hours and hours of writing. Wring inside all cozy, writing outside in the fresh spring air. Writing and writing and dreaming.
And it occurred to me, as thought follows thought, that I must have been writing for many months now.
My first post of Cedar Falls. April 28th of 2010. The first part of The Sundeck.
I have been writing Cedar falls for over a year. A motherfucking (or, should I say daughter-fucking? oooh, bad taste...) year. Of my life. And yours. Guys. A year.
I don't actually know whether this calls for celebration or, um, mourning. My first instinct was to mark the anniversary in some exciting way, but then I discovered that the anniversary passed, unmarked! So now I am just left with all these feelings and thoughts about this huge endeavor in my life. And nothing, I gotta say, is real clear in my head, or my heart, or my soul.
A year. It lend it a certain air of legitimacy, I suppose. If this were a relationship it would be a pretty big deal. And at times this has certainly felt like a relationship. Ups, downs, turn-ons, turn-offs. Sometimes I've even felt like breaking up, throwing in the towel. Sometimes I can't seem to break through communication blocks. Sometimes it is ridiculously rewarding, othertimes draining and stressful.
But I am still in love.
And I'm still in it.
So should I put a ring on it? Hmmm.
Maybe it is just the fresh spring air making me feel froggy, but something tells me I outta jump; jump in with both feet. Stop waffling. Stop pretending this is a hobby or a minor part of who I am.
A year. A year, 200+ vignettes completed, at least half of those published to the interwebs, out there in the world. A year and its own DEDICATED BLOG launched. A year and some great fucking off-shoot stories from guest contributers, jazzing up our imaginations and whetting our appetite for ever more!A year of reading them and re-reading them and editing them and crafting them and thinking about them and wondering about them and minorly obsessing over them and loving them and ....
I might just be a writer. I'm certainly prolific, even if I can't make promises on the quality. I think about these storylines all day, every day. I think about scenes and characters and backstory and subtext and symbolism and mythology and allusions and...
A year. Wow.
I'm still not sure If I should be humbled or humiliated. A year. Where the fuck did this year go?
And, so, where will this next year go? Have I invested way too much time\effort\energy\delusion into this?
And what would the next step even look like? How does that next step go? How does it happen? I don't have a book, I still only have a series of storylines, of vignettes and stories and episodes, but not a book. Not one book, anyway.
I have this sprawling mess (of WONDERFUL FUN!), and what the hell is it?
And who, besides D, will even want to look at it, let alone help me whip it into shape and tame it into something sellable? Oh god, sellable. That made me feel yucky, a little. And excited, a little. "Well, excited AND scared..."
Maybe this summer I will make some big decisions. I have this drum beating inside of me, this marching forward to a climax, and I feel like I'm just scrambling to find the time to sit down and pour out these scenes and vignettes inside me! And when I do find a moment the writing is so shoddy and slapdash because I'm just dying to get it out! Blasted double-edged sword!!
And then part of me never wants to tie up all the loose ends, never wants to close the last page. there are so many little tales I want to tell about these characters!!
But maybe there are other fabulous stories to be told in Cedar Falls, other voices and secrets...
Or maybe there's something else altogether! Like my homosexual fairytale adenture books, or my Eleanor of Aquitaine stuff, or something as yet undiscovered!!
One year.
Golly.
Happy Anniversary Cedar Falls.
I love you.
And.
Thank You.
You've saved my life many times. Inspired me, challenged me, made me laugh, helped me discover an important part of who I am and who I will be.
Thank you to Danielle, for always always reading. Reading and actually engaging me in conversation. And helping me brainstorm, and getting me all psyched up and giddy and smiley. Thank you for being there through thick and thin, and always recharging my battery and giving me drive when I was in doubt. You are the angel of this whole endeavor!!
Thank you to Julia for being among the very first to legitimize my inclination to write. For calling me a writer before I was ready to commit to anything so grand and ambitious. Thank you for helping me see through a different pair of eyes; eyes that saw me as something more than a silly keyboard masher or hack or hobbyist. Thank you. Your voice came at the right time and struck the perfect chord.
Thank you to Aaron, who supports, who encourages, who gives, who indulges, and who is my sounding board, my idea-storming partner, my constant reference for grammar, for character motivation, for male perspective, for checking-to-see-if-maybe-I've-gone-wayyyy-too-far-into-the-taboo-and-morally-reprehensible... Thank you to the best husband in the world. Thank you for listening to rough drafts sometimes and for reading aloud to me so that I can hear it from someone else's tongue. Thank you for telling me I'm a writer.
Thanks to all my friends who have been enthusuastic, encouraging, giving, and sweet though all my mood swings about this. Thank you for lending professional insights, Andrea; for lending delicious story thread ideas, Emmy; for offering wild, twisting, secrets and for giving me mini-workshops on libations and potent potables Adam; Thank you for lighting up and saying YES, Go FOR IT Kerry, and Kim, and Jeff.
Thank you to anyone else reading. I made my decision. Even if this year amounts to nothing more than a year spent writing a fun story for myself and my friends and the internet, I am humbled. And grateful. And full of love.
Happy Anniversary to Beth the Writer!
And it occurred to me, as thought follows thought, that I must have been writing for many months now.
My first post of Cedar Falls. April 28th of 2010. The first part of The Sundeck.
I have been writing Cedar falls for over a year. A motherfucking (or, should I say daughter-fucking? oooh, bad taste...) year. Of my life. And yours. Guys. A year.
I don't actually know whether this calls for celebration or, um, mourning. My first instinct was to mark the anniversary in some exciting way, but then I discovered that the anniversary passed, unmarked! So now I am just left with all these feelings and thoughts about this huge endeavor in my life. And nothing, I gotta say, is real clear in my head, or my heart, or my soul.
A year. It lend it a certain air of legitimacy, I suppose. If this were a relationship it would be a pretty big deal. And at times this has certainly felt like a relationship. Ups, downs, turn-ons, turn-offs. Sometimes I've even felt like breaking up, throwing in the towel. Sometimes I can't seem to break through communication blocks. Sometimes it is ridiculously rewarding, othertimes draining and stressful.
But I am still in love.
And I'm still in it.
So should I put a ring on it? Hmmm.
Maybe it is just the fresh spring air making me feel froggy, but something tells me I outta jump; jump in with both feet. Stop waffling. Stop pretending this is a hobby or a minor part of who I am.
A year. A year, 200+ vignettes completed, at least half of those published to the interwebs, out there in the world. A year and its own DEDICATED BLOG launched. A year and some great fucking off-shoot stories from guest contributers, jazzing up our imaginations and whetting our appetite for ever more!A year of reading them and re-reading them and editing them and crafting them and thinking about them and wondering about them and minorly obsessing over them and loving them and ....
I might just be a writer. I'm certainly prolific, even if I can't make promises on the quality. I think about these storylines all day, every day. I think about scenes and characters and backstory and subtext and symbolism and mythology and allusions and...
A year. Wow.
I'm still not sure If I should be humbled or humiliated. A year. Where the fuck did this year go?
And, so, where will this next year go? Have I invested way too much time\effort\energy\delusion into this?
And what would the next step even look like? How does that next step go? How does it happen? I don't have a book, I still only have a series of storylines, of vignettes and stories and episodes, but not a book. Not one book, anyway.
I have this sprawling mess (of WONDERFUL FUN!), and what the hell is it?
And who, besides D, will even want to look at it, let alone help me whip it into shape and tame it into something sellable? Oh god, sellable. That made me feel yucky, a little. And excited, a little. "Well, excited AND scared..."
Maybe this summer I will make some big decisions. I have this drum beating inside of me, this marching forward to a climax, and I feel like I'm just scrambling to find the time to sit down and pour out these scenes and vignettes inside me! And when I do find a moment the writing is so shoddy and slapdash because I'm just dying to get it out! Blasted double-edged sword!!
And then part of me never wants to tie up all the loose ends, never wants to close the last page. there are so many little tales I want to tell about these characters!!
But maybe there are other fabulous stories to be told in Cedar Falls, other voices and secrets...
Or maybe there's something else altogether! Like my homosexual fairytale adenture books, or my Eleanor of Aquitaine stuff, or something as yet undiscovered!!
One year.
Golly.
Happy Anniversary Cedar Falls.
I love you.
And.
Thank You.
You've saved my life many times. Inspired me, challenged me, made me laugh, helped me discover an important part of who I am and who I will be.
Thank you to Danielle, for always always reading. Reading and actually engaging me in conversation. And helping me brainstorm, and getting me all psyched up and giddy and smiley. Thank you for being there through thick and thin, and always recharging my battery and giving me drive when I was in doubt. You are the angel of this whole endeavor!!
Thank you to Julia for being among the very first to legitimize my inclination to write. For calling me a writer before I was ready to commit to anything so grand and ambitious. Thank you for helping me see through a different pair of eyes; eyes that saw me as something more than a silly keyboard masher or hack or hobbyist. Thank you. Your voice came at the right time and struck the perfect chord.
Thank you to Aaron, who supports, who encourages, who gives, who indulges, and who is my sounding board, my idea-storming partner, my constant reference for grammar, for character motivation, for male perspective, for checking-to-see-if-maybe-I've-gone-wayyyy-too-far-into-the-taboo-and-morally-reprehensible... Thank you to the best husband in the world. Thank you for listening to rough drafts sometimes and for reading aloud to me so that I can hear it from someone else's tongue. Thank you for telling me I'm a writer.
Thanks to all my friends who have been enthusuastic, encouraging, giving, and sweet though all my mood swings about this. Thank you for lending professional insights, Andrea; for lending delicious story thread ideas, Emmy; for offering wild, twisting, secrets and for giving me mini-workshops on libations and potent potables Adam; Thank you for lighting up and saying YES, Go FOR IT Kerry, and Kim, and Jeff.
Thank you to anyone else reading. I made my decision. Even if this year amounts to nothing more than a year spent writing a fun story for myself and my friends and the internet, I am humbled. And grateful. And full of love.
Happy Anniversary to Beth the Writer!
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