Ugh.

Yeah.

Drained.  Emotionally, physically, spiritually, creatively.  Sapped.  I feel weak and fragile and scattered and unhinged.

Bearing your heart is not an easy thing to do.  Speaking your mind is a complicated endeavor.  I feel like I've been through a battle, and as the smoke clears I'm not sure any of it made any difference--nor am I sure that it should have.  I don't know.  I really don't.  I feel so muddled and lost and like I've lost my bearings. 

Also?  What is up with my writing lately?  It feels like I haven't written a GOOD scene in forever (Yeah, I know, this is assuming that I've EVER written a good scene, and well, I can't speak to that, but I guess I can say that I have written vignettes that have FELT good to me, that have been satisfactory to me--even if no one else in the world cares\notices\agrees-- and now, not so much.)  Now?  Now I'm just meandering around writing extraneous scenes or leaving crucial scenes incomplete, languishing in the ether.  Maybe it is the feeling like I never have time, but I'm not convinced that's it.  While it is true that I have significantly less time and am running around to a bunch of jobs and trying to balance friendships and family and a marriage, all of which leaves very little time for pleasure writing-- I suspect that there's something more fundamental at work in here.  Not that I've lost my inspiration, specifically, but... I've got no answers. 

I guess what's important here is for me to understand that maybe I'm a writer and maybe I'm not.  I want to be a writer.  One who writes.  But.  Maybe this has all been a fun side project for a creative soul who feels shackled and restricted in her original art form (theatre) and was reaching out to the only medium available to her in which she could have complete control. Or.  Maybe I am a writer who does other art forms because they are more accessible and readily satisfying than writing?  Maybe I can absolutely be both and have to learn to reconcile myself as such? I don't know.  I really don't.  All I'm certain of is this feeling of uncertainty!

And the roomie?  Nary a box has been packed, nary a move has been made.  We are fast aproaching the deadline and all's quiet on the roomate front.  I'm starting to panic.  Aaron seems unperturbed, as if March 1st arrives and POOF!  He'll be out, just like that!  Ummm, it doesn't work like that, so let's start some maneuvers, right?  Let's sart hinting or doing something, right?

Grrr sandwich.  I gotta go.  Maybe I'll post later.