The worry is that I'm not exactly giving this new job my all. That I'm holding back. Seems like there are a few possible explanations to this. Though explanations do not cure, they ... well... they must do something, right?
Explanation 1: I am naturally once bitten and thusly twice shy. I gave every fibre of my being to the job last year and when measures I came up wanting! It hurts like hell to be given the old heave-ho in the first place, but to be given the old heave-ho when you're deeply invested in becoming the best you can be for the kids, the school, and yourself? yick. My therapist says I'm still not over it. I wonder "Well, when can I get over it please?" but hey.
Explanation 2: Not entirely unrelated to reason 1, but still... I don't love my career. I don't. There are elements I like powerfully enough to approximate love, I think. But mostly? I'm not as passionate about it as most of my peers, and thus I feel diminished right out of the gate. I don't love it and so I end up kinda dreading it.
Explanation 3: THis is DEFINITELY related to the others; I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Aaron says I should stop saying this. That it isn't true. That by saying it as often as I do but becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. But. It is the god's honest truth. I am qualified for this career on paper. But I am not qualified to do this job. I know it in my heart, I know it intellectually, I know it in my fucking bones. And I spent all of last year acting like I was new but definitely qualified, and you know what? I'm tired of pretending. And I did everything within my power to get more competent--I swear! I listened, I watched, I read--I attended professional development and extra professional development, and more on top of that.
But. Nope. Not even a bit. I sit down to lesson plan and it is torture. Other people? Sounds like fun to them. IS fun for most! Seems like it would be creative and liberating and exciting. I guess it should be. For me it is misery. Drudgery. Every bit of it means me making decisions that I'm doubting and second-guessing and stabbing around in the dark and hoping I have got something half-decent.
I'm a fraud. A Charlatan. An Imposter. I'm an individual who is bright and can read and write well enough to bullshit my way into an English Teacher's requirements for education in this state and now I have this awesome responsibility and . . .
I feel trapped. And guilty.
The poeple I work with have been so welcoming and supportive. The kids seem really great. The community is lovely. And all I can think is how I'm gunna fail them all.
Welcome to what its like for Ms. Reardon every morning noon and night.
Explanation 1: I am naturally once bitten and thusly twice shy. I gave every fibre of my being to the job last year and when measures I came up wanting! It hurts like hell to be given the old heave-ho in the first place, but to be given the old heave-ho when you're deeply invested in becoming the best you can be for the kids, the school, and yourself? yick. My therapist says I'm still not over it. I wonder "Well, when can I get over it please?" but hey.
Explanation 2: Not entirely unrelated to reason 1, but still... I don't love my career. I don't. There are elements I like powerfully enough to approximate love, I think. But mostly? I'm not as passionate about it as most of my peers, and thus I feel diminished right out of the gate. I don't love it and so I end up kinda dreading it.
Explanation 3: THis is DEFINITELY related to the others; I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Aaron says I should stop saying this. That it isn't true. That by saying it as often as I do but becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. But. It is the god's honest truth. I am qualified for this career on paper. But I am not qualified to do this job. I know it in my heart, I know it intellectually, I know it in my fucking bones. And I spent all of last year acting like I was new but definitely qualified, and you know what? I'm tired of pretending. And I did everything within my power to get more competent--I swear! I listened, I watched, I read--I attended professional development and extra professional development, and more on top of that.
But. Nope. Not even a bit. I sit down to lesson plan and it is torture. Other people? Sounds like fun to them. IS fun for most! Seems like it would be creative and liberating and exciting. I guess it should be. For me it is misery. Drudgery. Every bit of it means me making decisions that I'm doubting and second-guessing and stabbing around in the dark and hoping I have got something half-decent.
I'm a fraud. A Charlatan. An Imposter. I'm an individual who is bright and can read and write well enough to bullshit my way into an English Teacher's requirements for education in this state and now I have this awesome responsibility and . . .
I feel trapped. And guilty.
The poeple I work with have been so welcoming and supportive. The kids seem really great. The community is lovely. And all I can think is how I'm gunna fail them all.
Welcome to what its like for Ms. Reardon every morning noon and night.
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1 comment:
i suggest getting your esl license and trying that! its like english, but awesomer becuase, well, you know!
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