Mz. Reardon's Opus?

Not quite back into the swing of blogging.

And not feeling very much like a writer.

Feeling like an applicant 24/7.

If I get this English teaching job it'll be like Mr. Holland's Opus.

Only at the end of my movie will be a bunch of alums reading trashy fiction aloud to the horror of all assembled.  Shocked faces and disgusted murmuring, and me, all misty and bittersweet smiled behind old lady glasses, nodding fondly and oblivious to the the swirling whispers of scandal!

I'm  no English teacher.

Who the fuck knows what I am. 

Not pregnant, I know that much today. Fun Fun, as always. 

On monday I sub for a gym teacher.  I plan on doing theatre games. 

Can I quit my life and go on unemployment while I train for a new life?  I told my sister today that I wish I could call it a day with this whole path I've taken, hit the 'reset' button on the console of life and go back to my last checkpoint. 

I would never, never, never, never choose to go into theatre.

Wow.

There.

You win, universe.

In the course of, like, a year an a half you have managed to turn a woman whose philosophy had been firmly in the 'every step on my journey has led me to the person I am today, and I don't believe in mistakes; only off-beat paths', into a deeply regretful individual.

I no longer feel that my choices were 'off beat' or 'valuable'.  I see now that they were ignorant, uninformed, ill-considered, and impractical. 

They say 'do what you love'.  Well folks, I swear I really did love theatre.  I loved it enough to drop everything, move to new york, stuff myself into a fucking leotard every day and humiliate myself on the regular because I believed in it.  Loved it.  Wanted it.  I loved it enough to damn all the odds, throw caution to the wind and all manner of other cliched go-get-em phrases!

And then I sort of only half-committed because I knew I also loved Aaron.  And wanted a family.  And didn't want to live in jersey.  So I came home.  And I looked at my options.  And I decided I really enjoyed teaching.  Maybe not LOVED teaching, but how many true loves can you expect to have in one lifetime?  I loved aaron, I loved theatre (but couldn't be with theatre-- its complicated), and so I decided that if I LIKE-liked teaching, that would be enough for a mature, mutually beneficial relationship.

Like communism, this sort of logic is inherently flawed.  Because two people who respect eachother, and get along, and have ok sex, and share the bills, well sure they can cohabit, sure they can make it work, but sooner or later they start looking at eachother and if the passion isn't there?  Well, then.  It just ain't gunna work.  Because without the undying love, all the mutual respect in the world just isn't going to get you through the really shitty, awful, gruelling, trying times.  And then you start to resent that person, even though it is your own damned fault for settling, for convincing yourself such an arrangement could ever work.

So now you've passed on the risky yet romantic opportunity to be with the love of your life, and you've exhausted your tolerance of living with second-best, you've probably had a steamy, torrid, impractical affair with someone (like writing-- jesus, what a flight of absolute fancy), and after all this you are probably emotionally drained, financially wrecked, creatively bankrupt, and shit outta luck.

Time is running out for the old biological clock, patience is running out for your creditors, it looks as though you'll never be a homeowner, and options?  Thin on the ground.

So tonight I say this:  I love Aaron.  He is my life.  My everything.  My rock.  My soulmate. 

If I gain nothing else in this life I will still count myself as most fortunate for having met him, having spent my life with him, and having him by my side through everything, always.

But even the best relationships, even the deepest and most passionate loves will feel the sapping, battering, miserable strain of failure pressing in from al sides.

So I'm openly praying now, to whatever, whomever, however, that I figure myself out ASAP.  Figure me out, figure out my purpose, and take that first fucking step toward the me I'm supposed to be.

I always imagined I'd be a mom.  Who knows?
I alays imagined I'd dies at thirty.  Could be.
I always imagined a modicum of success.  Survey says? ehhhhhhhn.
I always imagined great friends.  Yes, that heaven every day, yes.
I always imagined I'd be Aaron's wife.  Amen and haleluia, best thing I've ever done.
Thou, I must say I am not a great house wiffe!
I always imagined I'd do what I love. Other than doing Aaron on the regular?  Nope.
I always imagined I'd be happy.  The potential is there, but I lost the instructions somehow.
I always imagined I would travel.
I always imagined I would have soirees.
I always imagined I'd be mutli-talented.
I always imagined I'd be generous.
I always imagined I'd be graceful and smiling.
I always imagined I'd take care of my folks.
I always imagined it would all work out well.
I always imagined I'd be confident and kick-ass.
I always imagined I would be sassy and stunning.
I always imagined I would have leisure time!
I always imagined that I'd feel grown up.
I always imagined that I had something special.
I always imagined that I was on the brink of greatness.
I always imagined my success was inevitable.
I always imagined that this was all just a transitional step.
I always imagined I'd have two kids by now.
I always imagined that I could mutlitask skillfully.
I always imagined myself smiling alot more.
I always imagined I'd somehow be a size 10 (and stay that way!  without dieting or excessive excersize!)
I always imagined warmth.
I always imagined a garden.
I always imagined respect.
I always imagined peace.
I always imagined alot fewer setbacks.
I always imagined alot more agreement.
I always imagined I'd look back and laugh.
I always imagined I'd live without regrets.
I always imagined I'd suddenly be amazing at keeping the house clean!
I always imagined I'd sing them to sleep.
I always imagined watching him teach them to read, or tie their shoes, or about dinosaurs.
I always imagined halloweens.  And christmases.  And birthdays.  And snowdays.  And picnics.
I always imagined I'd be there by now.
I always imagined I'd really like Beth Reardon.

I always imagined I'd learn how to cook and that George Lucas would ask me to write and direct the next trilogy.

I always imagind I'd have the best answers when I finally sat down with James Lipton.

What sound or noise do you love?

Goodnight, folks.

Tomorrow is the last day of the regular school year.  And the day after that is the first day of my summer jobs.

I always imagined I wouldn't work too much or too strenuously, and that this would be absolutely no problem at all because I would be independently wealthy or something.


C'est la vie.