Christmas Eve Will Find Me...

Orange Christmas, 3rd year running!

Merry Christmas Eve.  Today was emotional for me, highs and lows, smiles and racking sobs.  Sometimes the littlest thing will get me; for instance I can's sing the line :'Until then we'll have to muddle through, somehow...'  without getting choked up, and I absolutely cannot get through the verse of the little drummer boy that goes:

'I am a poor boy too, pa-rum-pum-pum-pum\ I have no gift to bring parumpumpumpum\ that's fit to give a king parumpumpumpum rumpumpum, rumpumpumpum, shall I play for you pa rumpumpum pum, 

on my drum?'

Ug.  I weep every fucking time.

Anyway, I'm suffering crushing guilt about my lack of resources, lack of ability to properly thank all the people whom I love and who have been so generous and kind and wonderful to meover the last few years.  It feels awful to be given gifts and not be able to give back anything more than mumbled, inadequate thanks.  My heart is breaking.

So between trying to cobble together last minute stocking for Aaron and Eric, a few small gifts for my loved ones, and pick up a few things I've been needing, I have spent more than I can afford, and it all amounts to a bunch of crap.  So I week like a maniac in the shaws parkinglot.  Sob until I choke, tears streaming down, hoping that noone will see me or notice me there as they rush around doing holiday things.

I feel simultaneously blessed beyond measure, and terrified that I will not be able to make ends next month.  I beg time to stop, to just give me a break, just some reprieve, and still it soldiers on like a soulless tank bent on vanquishing any tattered scrap of spirit I might have left.

Tonight we will go to my sister's to drop off the computer Aaron built for my neice, and then we will come home and it will be time for me to cling to my one sacred ritual.  Every Christmas eve I watch It's a Wonderful Life.  It isn't original, it isn't especially profound, but it moves me without fail every year, I have a good cathartic cry, and it is time for christmas.
Just, tonight, I'm not sure how I'll be able to relax and enjoy with Eric around.  But I will try.  I need a big fucking chill pill tonight.

So Merry Christmas Eve, in all sincerity, no sarcasm.  I hope you have a very merry christmas eve with loved ones, doing things that you love, insulated from the worst of life, at least for a few precious hours, or days, or however long life grants.  We all need to recharge the battery.  So Hang a shining star upon the highest bough, and have yourselves a merry little christmas now!...

Thank you all-- you know you give me wings.