Ms. Reardon Has a meltdown

They say there's no one busier than a first time mother.  As I've never been a mother, I can't speak to that.  But I'd like to put a word in here for first time teachers.

Holy Hell, is this hard.

I feel like I can't get caught up with all the things I'm supposed to do, never mind get ahead!  There's always something that needs doing, always something that needs seeing to, always something i've forgotten about or failed to do or neglected to complete.  And on top of all the paperwork, there are actual living human beings who need my help, my guidance, my instruction, my support, my attention, my positive or negative reinforcement, my everything.

I am so exhausted at the end of every day that it is all I can do to eat a dinner (usually some form of takeout which is awful, but I'm way too beat to even think about cooking, let alone DO it!) cuddle with the hubs and try try try to get work done before my head crashes to the pillow.

This week has felt brutal.  Right now I'm sitting here in my classroom, waiting for an OPEN HOUSE, and moments ago I was bawling my eyes out on the phone to Aaron, my number one cheerleader/coach/mentor/pillar-of-strength.

I feel unequal to the job.

I love the kids.  I love them.  I like them.  I like being their teacher.  But I am so goddamned worried that I am failing them, letting them down, sabotaging their education because I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!  and I CAN'T DO THIS JOB!!!!!

There's a possibility, also, that perhaps my meds need some adjustment.  But these are real concerns.  I feel like I fuck up hardcore everyday.  Like I'm not able to organize my thoughts well enough to help all my students.

I can't finish this right now.  I have already splashed cold water on my face and turned off the Damien Rice.  I need to get my shit together and get into the right headspace to meet parents.To smile and be pert, and try to shrug off the fact that I didn't get to shower this morning because my fucking alarm didn't go off, and try to be at peace with the fact that I'm all broken out and didn't have time to do make-up (see: Alarm issue), and try to breath and quell my raging neuroses for the evening, because I have a fucking SHOW to do.

Today we had some professional development and at one point I mentioned that my perspective was that of the arts... later the facilitator asked me about it.  Asked what my discipline was.  I told him theatre and he asked if I was in anything right now.  As if a teacher has time to also be an actor.  I smiled and told him regretfully 'no, not right now', and mentioned that i'll be teaching a drama elective here soon.  This is when a colleague joked that of course I was in a show, I have four performances a day!  How true it is.  And four shows a day folks, of improv?  It's fucking exhausting.

And if i could get some applause at the end of every class, would that kill anyone?

So i don't know about first time mothers, and maybe my bestie can speak to that, as she is both a first time mother AND a first time teacher (yipes!), but this feels alot like having 90 children all at once.  Ninety-uplets.  Thank heavens they're potty trained.  And thank Christ I don't have to make room in my apartment for them!

Wish me luck at open house.