Ok.  So I know, I know.  Now that I have a CF blog I should no longer post here. BUT.  But I wrote this vignette a while ago and I'd like to post it today, on Valentine's.  It is, of course, out of order, but not too far off from where I left you with Maggie & Grey if anyon'es all caught up (Danielle?  Maybe?).  But whatevs.  I just wanna, so I'm gunna.  I reserve that right, right? Right.

So Happy Valentine's!

***************

Velvet was happy Grey and Maggie had decided to join them at the main house for the annual Valentine’s Day breakfast.  She would have understood had they decided to keep to themselves in the guest house.  She smiled as she reached for the blackberry preserve.

It was a peculiar holiday to make into a family holiday, she supposed, but it had everything to do with Grey so it seemed fitting that he’d decided to come and had brought his beautiful bride.

Velvet spread a thin layer of preserve across her already buttered toast and sighed contentedly, thinking of her first Valentine’s Day with Jonah.  She’d been a new mother, a divorcee, and pretty newly engaged to boot.  They were still living in the townhouse with the yellow door in the old factory district, still living with Nolan. 

She’d overheard a conversation between the brothers late the night before, while Jonah was up feeding Grey; and Nolan, just getting home from work at the bar, was unwinding and keeping his brother company. It was a comfortable routine.  Velvet lay in bed and listened to their conversation in the common area.  ‘I can take care of a baby for a night, Jones, really, it isn’t a big deal.’ Nolan was insisting.  ‘This is your first Valentine’s’ he’d lectured, trying to convince Jonah to take her out for a proper date.

Grey’d wailed then, for a few moments, and the conversation waited until he’d settled in once again and was suckling on his bottle contentedly.

“He doesn’t look sleepy at all.”  Commented Nolan adoringly.

“He’s a night owl.”  Jonah agreed indulgently.

Velvet loved what softies those two men were for babies.  Maybe because their parents had had their younger brother so late in life.  They were both great with Grey.  She was always grateful for the way Nolan not only adjusted to living with a young couple who were raising a new baby, but actually seemed to enjoy it.  Uncle Nolan was very much a part of their little family. “Maybe he’ll grow up to be a bartender like his Uncle.”  He posited and she heard Jonah chuckle low.

“Thanks, Nole, really, but I think I want to do a family style Valentine’s.”  He said after a few moments of what sounded like Nolan playing some version of peek-a-boo with the baby.

“You sure?”  Nolan sounded skeptical.

“Yeah.”  Jonah’d replied, yawning.  “Breakfast in bed, maybe an indoor picnic, cuddling on the couch and just, whatever she needs.”  He said.  “Besides, you don’t want to miss the bank you’ll make tending bar on Valentine’s.”

Velvet heard Nolan grunt.  “Tell the truth I was kinda looking forward to avoiding all those sad, lonely, desperate girls.”  She heard the water in the kitchen sink and knew he was rinsing his plate and silverware from the microwaved leftovers they’d saved him from their dinner.

“Have breakfast with us, then, in the morning.” Offered Jonah, and Velvet could hear the honest enthusiasm in his voice. 

“Oh, I dunno—“

“Yeah, please? Get up and have breakfast with us as a family.  I’ll make whatever you want.”

“Jones, C’mon, spend it with your family.”  Nolan said gently.

“You’re part of my family.” Jonah insisted.  “Huh, Grey? Don’t you think Uncle Nolan should be present at the first annual Delaney Family Valentine’s Day Breakfast?” Said Jonah, cooing at the months-old baby he was feeding.

Nolan laughed.  “Don’t use the kid as leverage, you asshole.”

“Hey, delicate ears over here.” Jonah said, chuckling.  “Grey thinks you should be there.  And I agree.”

They were quiet for a moment before Nolan said very quietly: “And your fiancée?”

Velvet flushed in the way one does when eavesdropping and the talk turns to oneself.  She tried to make herself even more still than she already was and strained to hear the much-lowered voices.

“She loves you Nolan.” Jonah was saying.  “No, she does—she thinks you’re great and she loves how you are with Grey, Nole, she’d want you there.”

“It’s Valentine’s Day—“

“Yeah, and the last one she had was with that son of a bitch—“

“Hey, impressionable ears!”  Nolan interrupted, teasing.

“ --And I don’t ever want this holiday to remind her of him in the least.  I’m not doing the usual stuff with her on this day.  Not ever.”

“I dunno if you have any control over how she feels or doesn’t feel about the man, my friend.”

“Knock it off.”

“Jonah, just—“

“Just what?  How many times are you going to say it Nolan?  I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I just want you to be careful.” Nolan said with a heavy sigh.  “People can’t just be expected to fall out of love with no strings attached, no confused feelings—“

In the dark of the bedroom she shared with Jonah, Velvet’s mouth fell open at Nolan’s veiled accusation.  And then she washed over cold because of how frighteningly close to the mark he’d come.

 “Nolan, she likes you, why can’t you give her a chance?”

“She’s great!”  Nolan insisted defensively.  “This isn’t about that, this is about you and how I don’t want to see you hurt.”

“I love her.” Jonah responded simply.  “She’s going to be my wife.”  He added as Nolan stayed quiet.  “We have a son.”

“He’s pretty great.” Nolan acknowledged, and Velvet could hear the smile in his voice.

Velvet heard the decisive pop of the bottle leaving Grey’s mouth and a contented gurgling.

“All done?” Jonah asked the boy incredulously.  “Think I should give him more?”

After a few moments she heard the refrigerator open.

“Bad luck, Brother.” Nolan said.  “You’ll have to bring him to the source, because you’re out of pumped stuff.”

“Dammit.”  Jonah said in a sing-song sort of voice, clearly entertaining the baby.  “Check the freezer?” She heard a raspberry sound that made the baby chuckle and burble appreciatively.

The Fridge door closed as the freezer door pulled open.

“Yeah.  It’ll take a while to thaw though, even doing the warm water.”  She heard Nolan yawn as he pulled a heavy glass mixing bowl across the surface of the counter and turn on the faucet again.

“Go ahead to bed Nole, I got it.”

“It’s not a problem—“ Another yawn.

Jonah groaned a little as she heard him getting up off the couch with the baby. “Goodnight.” He said, more firmly. “You need a good night’s sleep if you’re gunna get up and have family breakfast with us.”

“Jonesie—“

“Say g’night to Uncle Nole, Grey!”

Nolan had finally grunted his agreement and Velvet had drifted off to sleep sometime later, Jonah still up singing silly little made-up lullabies and playing the simple little games you play with babies, and when she awoke next it was to the heavenly aroma of fresh coffee and sizzling bacon and something cinnamon-y baking in the oven.  And to the sounds of animated, if quiet, conversation and the happy chipper sounds of the baby playing with the electronic light-up toys in his play seat. 

Now, 24 years later, she still got a little misty at the memory of walking out into the open-concept kitchen\living\dining area of the old brick townhouse and experiencing the first-ever Delaney Family Valentine’s Day Breakfast.

“—more, Velvet?” 

Velvet blinked and then flushed slightly.  Whoops.  She’d been caught day-dreaming.  “I’m sorry?”

Jonah stood beside her chair with the glass pitcher of fresh-squeezed orange juice.  “I asked if you’d like any more.”  He told her gently.  “Happy Valentine’s Day, Wife.” He added quietly, in a way that made her think maybe he knew exactly where she’d wandered off to just then. 

She grinned up at him and then looked around the table at her family.  They were all there—Viola, looking bleary eyed and grumpy as a teenager should, the twins, both in their glasses because it was way too early to think about putting in contacts, Even Avalon had decided to come and she’d somehow convinced Ben of the endeavor, and the handsome young man was enduring it gracefully, she thought.  And, of course, Grey with Maggie. 

Velvet had asked Nolan, when he’d married Zahra, if he would keep coming over to their place—She and Jonah had moved out of the townhouse when they’d married, but he’d made the early morning trip over to their new place annually—for the traditional breakfast.  He’d smiled, said he would miss them very much, but that it was time to start his own family traditions. 

She wondered what that Delaney bunch did on this day.  She’d never thought to inquire.  And Caleb sometimes joined them, but this Valentine’s was especially prickly and he couldn’t be convinced to crawl out of bed this time around to celebrate ‘that idiot cupid’. 

But she had her family, and that made her warm and contented.

“No, thank you, Sweetheart.”  She said in response to the juice query, and he moved around the table to offer to Avalon and Ben.

She listened to Maggie discussing the wedding with Ava, and to the twins teasing their father about the silver at his temples, and to Grey trying to pull his youngest sister out of her moody teenager-y gloom with humor, and she turned to Ben, who was sipping his coffee and casting his glance about, looking for a conversation to join.

She leaned over to him and confided: “I wasn’t a Delaney at my first Delaney Family Valentine’s breakfast either, you know.”

He lowered the coffee mug from his lips and smiled.  “No?”

She shook her head and giggled.  “Grey wasn’t either, I guess, come to think of it.”  She added thoughtfully, realizing that while Jonah’s intent was clear from before Grey’d been born, she hadn’t actually processed the papers until he was around six months old.

“I wasn’t what?”  Grey asked sharply, always able to hear his name when spoken in a crowd.

“A Delaney, at the first Valentine’s day.”  She answered, throwing a contrite look at Jonah who was leaning in to ask Viola about more orange juice, the very idea of which seemed to make the girl faintly ill. 

“Ah.”  Said Grey in response and met eyes with Maggie.   Velvet followed his gaze and saw Maggie nod marginally and nibble her lower lip.  “Funny you should bring that up.”  Grey said, rising from his seat and going to stand behind Maggie’s chair.

The table quieted down and everybody was watching Grey curiously.  Velvet felt a hand on her own shoulder and looked up to see Jonah smiling a little, captivated by Grey.

“Because, this time next year there will be another Delaney with us.”

Velvet looked at Ben for a moment before remembering that Ben wouldn’t become a Delaney, Avalon would be becoming a Sinclair.  She looked back at Grey, who seemed to be locked in a challenging gaze with Jonah, and then at Maggie who didn’t seem able to meet anyone’s eyes.

The hand on her shoulder squeezed gently and she looked up, puzzled.  Then the hand was gone and Jonah was crossing around the breakfast table to where Grey stood, and extending the hand for a shake.  “Congratulations, Son!”  He said warmly “That’s wonderful news!”  Velvet watched him pull Grey into a hearty embrace and then kiss the boy’s cheek before pulling Maggie from her seat, hugging her and bending to kiss her cheek as well.  “Congratulations.”  He said again.

“Thank you.”  Maggie said shyly, still hardly able to keep her eyes off the table. 

“When are you Due?”  Velvet heard Avalon ask sharply.

Maggie looked at Grey, who smiled easily at his sister.  “Summer.”  He replied vaguely, but in a tone that did not invite follow-up.

“Due?”  Velvet heard herself ask. And she felt all eyes upon her, even Maggie’s. 

Jonah chuckled into the tense stillness of the kitchen.  “She’s in shock.”  He said pleasantly. “Can you blame her?  She’s still far too young to be a grandmother.”  He said, crossing back and kissing her atop her head, before whispering in her ear “Love, Our son is going to be a father.”

Her eyebrows lifted in the middle and her mouth opened in an ‘o’.  “Grey?”

Grey met her eyes and his lips quirked into something like a smile, his expression almost bittersweet.  “Surprised?”

“Maggie?”

Maggie blushed and smiled weakly at her mother-in-law and gave a little nod of affirmation.

Velvet knew, for certain, in that moment, that he’d married her because she’d gotten pregnant; and the image of Vaughan Grey’s arrogant, selfish face swam, unbidden, to the forefront of her mind and she quite suddenly began to weep uncontrollably.

“Velvet?”  Jonah’s voice was all concern and Grey’s joined in, “Mum?  Are you alright?”

Soon others at the table were asking, Jonah had Ava put the kettle on for more tea and Velvet felt ridiculous.  It was as if someone had pushed a button and opened floodgates.  She felt foolish and embarrassed and perfectly awful for ruining the big announcement.

“I’m so happy!”  She managed to force out through chattering teeth and sobs, earning nervous laughter from a few parties around the table.  Jonah knelt beside her chair and gathered her against him and she sobbed into his neck.  “I’m so happy.”  She repeated as he patted her back soothingly.

Dimly she was aware that Ben Sinclair had helped ease the awkwardness by getting out of his seat and going over to the opposite side of the table to congratulate the couple, which cued all her daughters to follow suit.

By the time all the family had congratulated them Velvet had managed to get herself mostly under control.  She sat up a little straighter, took her head from her husband’s shoulder and hastily swiped the wetness from her cheeks.  Sniffling and forcing herself to take reasonable breaths she smiled a watery smile at Jonah.  Her rock.  Her everything.  “I’m so sorry.”  She whispered and he smiled.

“Don’t you dare.”  He warned her playfully.  “Now go hug your son and daughter, Grandma.” 

Her eyes widened and she half giggled-half sobbed.  He helped her to her feet and when she was steady she practically flew at Maggie, wrapping the girl in a startlingly fierce embrace.  “This is absolutely wonderful.”  She told the girl passionately, holding her close, wanting to tell her so much more than was appropriate to do so in the kitchen, with all the family gathered around.  “Thank you.”  She said, pulling back enough to look deep into the girl’s dark eyes.  She wondered if the girl was frightened, or regretted her condition.  “Oh Maggie!”  She exhaled.  “I love you so much.”  And she squeezed her again, feeling the bonds of a kindred spirit, even if the poor girl was flummoxed by the overpowering surge of affection.  “And this baby will be everything to you, trust me.”  She said in an almost whisper.

“Gracias.”  Maggie said, reflexively slipping into Spanish with the heightened emotion.  “Thank you.”  She corrected shakily.

Between Jonah’s efforts and Ben’s too, the kitchen was soon bubbling with animated conversations.  Velvet heard the twins arguing playfully about whether it would be a boy or a girl, Viola wondered when, exactly it would be due, and Avalon made some comment about bridesmaid’s dresses. 

Still clinging to Maggie, Velvet felt a hand on her back and knew it wasn’t her husband.  Almost regretfully she released Maggie at last and, with a last reassuring smile that she tried to fill with all the subtext she couldn’t speak just now, Velvet spun to face her son.

He was so tall and handsome and grown up.  He looked like his father, only his eyes, her eyes, were kinder, she was sure of it.  She took his handsome face in her hands and searched those pale green eyes, trying to discover the truth that was eluding her.  “You’ve got to be good to her Grey.”  She told him at last, and she watched his bemused smile dissolve and his face grow serious.

“I know.”  He replied in a low voice.

“Grey—“

“I understand, Mum.”  He said curtly, his brows heavy over his eyes.

She swallowed and felt a trembling in her knees.  She hoped he did understand.  She hoped he would prove to be more Jonah’s son than Vaughan’s.  She pulled him into an embrace too, though this one was more guarded, wary. 

When she broke the hug she hitched a super-bright smile in place and declared with her signature verve: “We’ll have to have a baby shower!”

A Day to Honor Love

Happy Valentine's Day.

A very dear friend of mine recently expressed the view that she 'hates' this holiday.  It is an understandably popular sentiment. In fact as far as the commercialism behind it, I can agree that this holiday is largely phony and disgustingly forced.

However, I thought we might go back to the Greek origins, or even the pagan ones, for a moment, and celebrate something I think we all should cherish above all: Love.

To quote the post modern stylings of the bohemian ideals in Baz Lurhman's Moulin Rouge:

Love is a many splendored thing, Love lifts us up where we belong! All you need is love!

Yes, yes, yes.  I know.  You'd think people would've had enough of silly love songs.... NOPE!

So yes, Valentine's day has become a machine of meaningless tokens, gaudy stuffed animals, and vomitous pink & red decor.  It seems designed to make the unattached ones of us feel miserable, lonely, and depressed.  TV, movies, and media flood the collective conscious and highlight with over-bright, glaring clarity the seemingly fiery chasm that separates the couples from the singles.

But.

But let's just forget all that hallmark, lifetime, Nora Ephron baloney for a moment.  And let's think about love.  Romantic love, sure, but let's not pigeon hole or narrow our scope unnecessarily.  Let us take a day out of our busy, bustling rutines and give pause, and honor that marvelous force, LOVE.

Much has been written about Love over the centuries, and I'm certain I have nothing pithy or earth-shattering to add here on a backwater blog.  I would however, like to share with you some of the ideas I have cultivated over the years; some of the philosophy I have come to hold as true, and some of the wisdom Aaron and I would like to employ when we raise our children.......

*****

Love is the greatest power in the world.  It is primal, it is visceral, and it is real.  Love is instinctual, it is within all of us, it is universal and enduring.  

Love knows no bounds.  It knows no restrictions, it heeds no man-made rules or conventions.  Love who you love regardless of gender, race, color or creed.  

There are many forms of love.  Friendship, Romantic, Familial, and basic human compassion.  All love is invaluable, and without it we are lost.  Cherish all forms of love that you find in this world.  Protect love, defend it, sing its praises and virtues.

Love can heal.  It can save.  It is as essential to the soul as breathing is to the body.  It gives us strength, it gives us courage.  Love gives and gives and gives.

Give yourself over to love.  Love completely and without regrets.  You may get hurt; don't put up sheilds and walls around your heart for fear of getting hurt.  Pain, heartache, loss?  These are all part of the experience of loving fully and completely.  It has been said ' 'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all'  and this is absolute truth.  It is better, by far, to open yourself to love without hesitation, to allow the soaring ecstasy of it, the pure golden joy of it, then to reserve aall or a portion of your heart for fear of inevitable pain and end up not fully experiencing the entire breadth and depth and height and expanse of LOVE.

Learn what the artists, the poets, and the songwriters have to say about love, but don't let it give you tunnel vision!  There is no 'right' way to love.  If the love is honest, if it is true, then it is real, and it is no less valid than any story, however famed and revered.  Just because your love story does not look like anyone else's, does not make it any less a love story.

Love breeds inspiration, it gives us wisdom, it teaches us daily.  It is a spark, it is a hearth fire, it is a tempest and a warm hand in ours, on our back, cupping our cheek.  Love is truth, it is beauty, it is life, it is history and future.  Love links us to humanity and to the gods, both.  It is earthy and real, and it is heavenly and ephemeral.  It is as permanent as it can be illusive.  As enduring as it can seem fleeting.  Love will triumph over any and every other force in this life.

Above all, be honest in love.  Be generous with yourself.  Abandon pride, but never lose yourself in obsession or subjugation.  And trust.  Trust in love, trust your heart, trust what instincts nature gave you~ but do so honestly.  Don't be fooled by the stuff Valentine's Day force-feeds us.  Look for true emotional connection.  For intimacy, not just physicality. 

Believe in love.  Nurture it.  Gift it to others and be grateful when it is gifted to you.  Honor love and those you love and those who love you.  

******

I am so very fortunate to love very deeply and fully.  I have so much love to give, and want to gift it to some remarkable people.  I hope I do this every day, but it can't hurt to take one day out of the year and really stop to tell people how much you love and value them.  

So, my friend, I hope, today, this year, that you find a little room in your heart to love this day afterall.  Because you are full to brimming with love and passion and warmth.  So, in that context, let me say:  I love you very much, and Happy Valentine's day.  XOXOXOX

Is it Really Friday?

What a long-ass week.  And yet, in some respects, I feel as though I missed a whole day in there somewhere.  I can't quite believe that it is actually friday!  The weekend is almost upon us. Oh man oh man oh man.  I have so much visiting of friends to do this weekend that I wonder if any housecleaning will get done at all.

I had a rough night last night.  Maybe because wednesday night found me up so late, keyed up from my chai and stimulating conversation or whatever else was keeping me all abuzz and aflutter and up into the wee hours talking with my husband like we used to do in high school.  Maybe from sleep deprivation I was exhausted.  Maybe because it was our first whole week of work since before Christmas break.  Or maybe it was due to the guest who has well over-stayed his welcome.  For any and maybe all of those reasons, I came home from work last night at about 8, 8:15 to find my husband and his brother lounging around.  Not specifically a problem, really.  Aaron works hard and deserves to chillax and veg.  However, thursday is my UBER long day because I teach drama, and so I don't get home till well after Aaron, so he usually cooks me dinner.

I come in the door and he goes: " Hi Beth." (Isn't is kinda weird when you get called your actual name by your partner?  It is such a rare occurance that it always jars me a little.  Whenever he says: I love you Beth, it just about melts me into a puddle because it just resonates so differently than the cuddly and wonderful nicknames. I love you Beth sounds so intimate, so deeply personal, whereas 'I love you, punkin' or button, or angel, or any of the other thousands of pet names sound wonderful and affectionate, but not as powerful.)  "How come you didn't call to tell me you were on your way?"

Ok.  Yes.  I usually call when I get out of Starline and let him know I'm on the way so that he can get dinner started.  HOWEVER.

"Your phone is dead."  I say flatly, glancing at and trying not to care about the still dirty dishes in the sink (that aaron was supposed to take care of days ago).  I had tried to give him a call around 3, just before his Aftercare shift started, to say hi and check in, and the phone was stone dead.  It has been on the absolute fritz lately-- and thank goodness it is time for his two-year upgrade, because we cannot afford to just go buy a new one, but obviously he NEEDS a cell phone.  Anyway.  THe thing has been shutting off randomly and all that, so yes, I didn't even bother frustrating myself by trying to call.  I figured it would go directly to voicemail~~ and am I the only woman who gets irrationaly angry when her fella's phone goes directly to voicemail?  Even though it is not his fault, don't you end up getting fucking pissed the fuck off??  Well, maybe it's just me being Irish or something.  It makes me hopping mad, and that's nothing I wanted when I was already bone-tires, with burning eyeballs and drooping lids all the way home from stoughton.

So I come in the house, he says he made sure that the phone was on to recieve my call, what could I do but shrug and apologize.  But really?  He knows what time I get out of teaching.  He knows with a ten minute margin of error at what time I will walk through that door.  He couldn't have had dinner ready?  Really?  Was the episode of futurama you were watching so thoroughly engrossing that you hadn't spared a glance at the clock and thought 'oh, my wife will be home any minute, maybe it is time to whip up some sandwiches or soup or mac and cheese or something???'

So now I'm home, and this show is on LOUD, i mean it, I'm not one of those sensitive eared sallies (my sister is a volume NAZI!), but this episode of fucking futurama was BLARING, and all I wanted was peace and quiet.  Again, no one's fault, so I tried not to get too pissy.  He asks me what he can make me and I am honestly too tired to be hungry.  Plus I'd picked up some veggie sushi for lunch, so I really wasn't starving.  I I went into my room and got pj's on and every single simple task felt like it was draining me of energy.  And still the tv blared on.  And cartoons are so obnoxious if you aren't watching them-- have you ever noticed? 

So I make the decision not to join the brothers in the living room, but to go to my bed.  Maybe read.  Surf the web. Decompress.

An hour later Aaron offers to make Mac N Cheese, homemade mac n cheese mind you, for himself and eric. Ok.  Ok.  Ok.  I DID say I wasn't hungry, and I WAS up in bed, and it WAS way too late to be eating a meal.  But. BUT. But.  All of a sudden I wanted the absolute warm soothing comfort of my husband's homemade mac n cheese.  When he was done making it (so, what, another 20ish-30 minutes right?)  I am super tired, but all I want is a small bowl of mac n cheese to make me warm and cozy and wrapped in love.  He gives Eric a bowl.  Eric says that the meal is 'pretty awesome'.  Before Aaron settles in to eat his own meal he comes in to see me.  And I get so happy all over, thinking how considerate he is, but he wasn't going to offer me any.  He was just checking on me. Which was sweet, too, don't get me wrong, but this is a girl who gets irrational over food situations. He is sweet and kisses my head and again asks if everything is allright.  I once again explain that there's nothing wrong beside me being so thoroughly exhausted.  Before he goes I ask for a small bowl, just a small amount of his mac n cheese.  "Oh."  He says, looking worried or something.  "I didn't make any extra--you said you weren't hungry--"  I agree.  "I'm not hungry, I just love your mac n cheese, it's ok. forget it."  He quickly offers me some of his, but I shake my head and insist it was just a passing whim.

He leaves.  I ask him to shut off my light so I can sleep.  I am way over tired now.  I lay abed and listen to them eating their dinner.  And a resentment grows up inside of me that is startling and viscious.  That kid out there is eating my dinner, I think to myself in a voice that sounds alot like one of the voices of smeagol\gollum from LOTR.    He's stealing my dinner, he's usurping my tv\livingroom\house, AND worst?  He's turning my husband against me!  He's trying to make it like old times, when he lived with aaron and I only visited!  I feel like an interloper in my own home!  I am not wanted!  I am a drag, I'm the pain in the ass that noone wants.  I sniff air full of the stench of feline urine and boil with rage that my husband also forgot to change the litterbox (another thing he said he'd do.).  And then I start thinking about how far we are into february and how I haven't seen any movement nor heard the slightest peep about Eric's supposedly impending move-out.  And I begin to weep.  I try to do it silently.  Right on the other side of the wall I imagine the tv might be shaking with my supressed sobs, but the asshole playing videogames whil I'm trying to sleep doesn't care or doesn't notice.

Eventually a sniffle gets too loud, or my shaky breathing attracts Aaron's attention and he comes in, knowing something is very wrong.  It was awful.  It was embarassing, to be crying with Eric right there.  It was awful.  Aaron was very comforting and I apologized again and again for crying.  He said I was probably sad becaus I'd come in and gone right to bed.  I wanted to scream that WHAT OTHER OPTION DID I HAVE??? when my living room is infested with a person's presence that sucks all my joy and ease out of me.  But I did not.  I simply wept for a little bit and then stopped weeping.  He kissed my forehead and rubbed my back and told me to go to sleep.  I did.  I fell to sleep thinking dark, unhealthy thoughts, and woke up feeling almost as tired as I had been before sleep, despite the fact that I'd slept like a stone.  I didn't even stir when Aaron came to bed, a difficult feat considering my head's location at the top of the ladder and the fact that he has to climb over me to get into his spot in the bed.

Yeah.  So, sure I went all irrational.  I was tired.  I recognize the smeagol-ness of some of my trains of thought last night.  But that doesn't diminish my concern about the March 1st deadline.  We shall see.  Aaron is confident about it.  I have to have faith. 

Today is also Eric's birthday, so I also have to be extra nice.

I'm going out for a drink with a friend tonight, and wine and cheese at his place after that.  Maybe I'll be able to unwind a little and relax some.

Do any of you ever have times where you just cry like that?  Just nothing else seems possible until you've had that cry?  Maybe I'm simply a lunatic and I need help.

Possibly I just really, really wanted macaroni and cheese.

Resolute?

Had a wonderful date last night ;)

Great conversation, great flirting, lots of laughter, and the chai wasn't half bad either.

***

For the next few days I am subbing as an English teacher, and was asked to do this by the Vice Principal of the school herself, which is incredibly exciting.  I wish the English department head would take notice of me!!  And, luck of luck?  The classes are working on plays!  The sophomores are doing MacBeth (which I flinch everytime I even THINK that word too loudly.)  The Scottish Play, if you will.  And The Senior super advanced kids are doing Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead!  Wild, right!  Right up my proverbial alley!!!

This environment, the classroom whilst the students work in pairs on their assignment, is not precisely conducive to blog writing, so this will be brief.

I wanted to scheck in on how folks are doing with their new year's resolutions????

So far in Beth's world only one resolution has remained resolute.  Grim.  Not hopeless, but not stellar.  So far the only resolution I've remained loyal to is the decision to avoid candybars (and most just food, but especially candy bars).  Not a one has passed these lips.  And it has been a bit like going vegetarian.  Some mourning, a lotta craving, even a guilt-ridden, hyper-realistic dream about giving in and cheating by eating a whole bag of M&M's. 

But I have chosen not to ingest that poison.  I am endeavoring to follow a simple but not simplistic rule for my diet (not DIET diet, just the general definition of the word, as in: what one consumes):

Eat Food. 

Don't eat food-like substances.

In today's supermarkets and eateries, this is more of challenge than it ever should be.  And of course I am not perfect.  Those mashed potatoes for dinner the other night?  From flakes.  But I am improving at an acceptable pace, I think.  And I have been contemplating cutting wayyyyyy down on sugar consumption.  Already I avoid High-fructose corn syrup almost as zealously as I do gelatin in food products.  This involves long, tedious, frustrating trips to the grocery stores, and it involves having to shop at several different supermarkets to ensure that I can complete a grocery inventory.  For instance, the ONLY peanut butter crackers that I can find without high fructose corn syrup and partially hydrogenated anythings, is a little brand called LANCE. They don't advertise ALL ORGANIC or ALL NATURAL, but in fact they seem to be wildly simple and pure for a modern packaged food.  Real ingredients.  I think it is a relatively local little company like Peggy Lawton cookies, because I can find it at Trucchi's but not at Market basket.

Now, I'm sure you're thinking that if I just went to wholefoods it would make life alot easier.  This is true.  This is also WELL outside my ridiculously meagre budget, and it is also a pain in the ass because WHole Foods markets aren't exactly plentiful round these parts!!

But here's some other failings, or, areas of improvement:

Vitamins  (I have really fallen behind)
Optimism (I'm sure you can see when and where that wears thin for me)
New Hobbies\skills (not a one thus far)
 Excersize.  Nope

I can't even remember what else I wanted to do, so there's a fail right there.

See friends more?  I'd give myself a C.  Not bad, but not great.  More solid effort is required!

Ok, period's about to end, gotta run.  How are your resolutions holding up?

Huh.

So I DID forget to post yesterday... I couldn't remember if I had posted or not.  I was a bit of a zombie yesterday.  At the end of the day, dragging, when we were finally home, Aaron and I marveled at the concept that it was ONLY Tuesday.  No Way.  I had a couple of PB sandwiches for dinner and a bowl of mashed potatoes.  Yeah, it was THAT kind of tuesday.  Just bone tired, you know?  Brain, Body, Spirit, Creativity-- all sorta comotose.  And then, making my week, Aaron wanted to watch a movie with me and for reasons I won't get into at present, we needed to chooses an actual DVD rather than use our computer for all the films and shows we have downloaded.  (I mean, seriously?  You know what time we come home from work, you know it because it NEVER fucking changes, so get your fat lazy ass off OUR fucking computer, because you have had it for at least three hours before we got home, right?  Jesus Effing Christ.  No wonder you don't want to move out.  Imagine not being able to have free internet access, free xbox access, free phone access, free computer game access, free heat, electricity, water, food, EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!, oh, but no, by all means, plan to watch something that won't end until well after we get home when you KNOW that our routine is to come home, grab some dinner, and settle in with a show or movie.  Don't bother yourself with the fact that this time of day is the only fucking time my husband and I get to spend with eachother.  Nah, not your fucking problem, right kid?)  (Oh, I guess I WILL get into it here, and now.  Whoops.)

Anyway, Aaron asked what movie I might like to watch.  He's usually the driving force behind our show\movie choices.  Well, I admit, I have been having the weirdest craving to watch Lord of the Rings.  I know, bizarre choice.  But it has seriously been YEARS since I've seen them and guess what?  They are AWESOME films!  The ACTING is out of this world good, the costumes, the makeup, the sets, the SPECIALFUCKINGEFFECTS??  And it's just so goddamn epic.  Oh, yeah, and I'm a huge silly nerd.  And please remember that we haven't had cable since we moved in together-- no starz, no HBO, none of them silly extraneous movie channels whose main goal seems to be to overplay and re-play movies like LOTR ad nauseum.  

So, to my utter surprise Aaron not only agrees, but he actually seems enthusiastic about it.  I give him the biggest, cuddliest hug for making me mashed potatoes and sandwiches for dinner (seriously, if you aren't a curvy irish lass, then you might not understand how grateful and humble a bowl of warm, buttery mashed potatoes can make you feel.  I would gladly ride into battle for this man, just for the indulgent mashed potatoes alone!), and gave him a big adoring kiss for consenting to my movie choice.

We settled in to watch it and were both quite sleepy, but cozy and happy.  We marveled at all the aforementioned selling points of the movie, plus other marvel-worthy things like: 'how do they make them look so small???' and 'I wonder why humans evolved as the ONLY dominant species on earth, why don't we have other intelligent life forms like elves and dwarves and shit?'and 'those are the biggest, bluest eyes ever---EVER!' but we were ready to crawl into our bed and crash by the time Pippin asked for Second Breakfast.

No word on whether or not we'll pick up where we left off, but it doesn't matter.  I'm just so happy we had last night.  I know it wasn't much, but, mashed potatoes and Lord of the rings?  I felt like a princess. 

How tissue paper improved my day...

So at my MTA job I was bored out of my skull today.  The only passing thrill I got was gossiping with the other female MTA about the two total knobs who are the other MTAs.  God those guys suck donkey balls.

Anyway, my day started looking up when I got to aftercare, where our project was mask decorating today!  even though I was missing a ton of kids (like, an unacceptable amount of them), we had a fun, fun time decupage-ing the masks and reviewing some of our little performance.

I was impressed with some of the mask work today, and will be taking pics so that you can marvel at them with me.  I was also impressed with how low-stress I stayed throughout the day, despite so many opportunities for me to get tense and lose my shit.  I think relaxing a whole ton is the secret to success, lol.  Plus, letting go of my image of what these masks would\should\could look like, and allowing myself to be open to what these creative souls brought to the craft table.  They did some weird and wacky stuff with mod podge and tissue paper, and seeing that creativity and imagination and FUN really renewed my spirits a mite.

So I'm thrilled to be opening a cedar falls blog, but it's making me kinda antsy too.  I realize that I have to go back and re-post stuff, i get that, gotta set up the foundation before I can move on, but you have NO IDEA how much I want to share some new, never-before-seen stuff!  UG!  I can't WAIT! 

But I keep telling myself that this is good for me, this re-visiting, re-evaluating, re-organization effort.  I hope it makes a stronger project in the end.  But it is simultaneously exciting and tedious at this stage of the game. Also, I can't help the vague feeling that all this effort is kinda for naught... that the one person who already reads my stuff will continue to read it no matter where or how i post it, and the others will browse and nibble but never really get hooked.  And I have to find peace with that.  I have to do this for me, you know? I have to have this catharsis, tell the stories that are brimming inside me, put them out into the universe without thought to who might like them and who might think they're shit, and worse--who might not even care to bother with them one way or theother.

And I do, incidentally, still really enjoy the writing.  And the re-reading.  and the dreaming.

I encourage you all, and i couldn't be more earnest here, to try your hand at it.  It is wildly freeing.  And if your skills lie in a different medium?  Song-writing, photography, sculpture, comics, painting, poetry???  Then hell, just start with the prompt: Everybody has Secrets and do your thing.

It will sing and soar and scintillate!!

Much love,

Beth

Failbook

 

For more failbook, check out:http://failbook.failblog.org/

The moral of the story...

I find myself pondering the plot arc for my cedar falls people and I often ask myself: "What kind of MESSAGE does that send?"  I think it comes from being a semi-teacher, this need to find the underlying message, the moral of the story, or the skeletal element of the Hero's journey.

What is the author really saying here?

It's the sort of shit I love to do when I read.  What commentary am I supposed to be reading-into this?  What political overtones are evident in the plot developments?  What is the embedded symbolism or the over-all theme? Where's the hidden meaning??

Of course nobody ever said Cedar Falls would be LITERATURE.  Good Christ.  It isn't as if I expect Days of Our Lives to have a deeper message about morality and mythology or something.  (I mean, it DOES, incidentally, as all soaps do, say a great deal about the middle-American set of values and norms and mores and taboos, but it isn't really TRYING to do this on any artistic level, it just sort of evolves out of writers writing to a specific demographic; I.E. the midwestern-to-bible belt stay-at-home wife and mom.  Those who like a daily dose of sin and intrigue but like it to stay clean and not vulgar and most generally heterosexual and not interracial unless maybe the other one is one of the more attractive looking ethnic types, you know, almost like they could 'pass'?  And definitely no jews! Heavens no. Rather a black guy than a Jew! or worse, an ARAB!.)

In any case, while I obviously draw from greek myth and ancient legends and tale-as-old-as-time story lines for my writing, I certainly haven't set out to covey a 'deeper meaning' with any of it.  I guess I just wonder, from time to time, if one is emerging unbidden from my subconscious.  Weird to contemplate, right?

For instance.  In re-reading alot of my work as I prepare it for posting on the ALL CEDAR FALLS bloggie, I find certain themes, motifs, and even certain EXACT PHRASES repeated, reiterated, and reimagined time and a gain.  One of the ones that has caught my attention is the idea that so-and-so wasn't a praying man, or that somebody had never prayed before this moment and they weren't even sure how to do it, and similar little things about being generally agnostic.  And as a student of drama and literature and storytelling this piques my interest and I wonder:  Ooooh, what is the author trying to tell us about the nature of God here?  Is she trying to imply that if these people were more christian they wouldn't be getting into these sinful scrapes???  (The author is not, incidentally, trying to imply anything of the sort.  but is her sub-conscious??? dun-dun-duhhhhhhn!!)  And it doesn't help that one of the most empathetic and likeable characters in the whole thing is Maggie, who is devoutly religous and only gets all wrapped up in this awful family when she strays from the rules of the the church and gives in to carnality ('love').  What is the author saying about the nature of Satan?

Ay ay ay.  Incest, rape, murder, lies, blackmail, arson, theivery, etc.  I wonder if it would look like, to an outsider who didn't know me, if I was trying to tell the audience something.  Give them a moral at the end.  Make a point about what to do or what not to do...  But really?  Allz I'm tryin to do is entertain!

And as far as a root message?  I know you all haven't read everything I've written, nor do you know the plot outline that is cooking in my fevered brain, but near as I can tell about an underlying maxim in all this?  Believe it or not it ISN'T: Don't have sex with your teenaged daughter, though that does seem like solid advice.  No, it would be this:  If you have the opportunity to kill your enemy, do it.  Ignore that flicker of humanity that tells you to show mercy and let him live.  Kill your enemy and your life will turn out peachy-keen.  Let him live?  He will fuck-up your day.  Even though he SHOULD owe you his life?  You have only succeeded in creating a bitter, vengeful monster.  

And probably don't sleep with your children.  Cuz, in all fairness?  Your mortal enemy had nothing to do with that one.  But he WILL make everything WORSE! Muwah ha ha ha haaaaaah.

Whoops

sorry about the weird post.  It was like, a third of a post.  Grumble.  I am NOT rewriting all that shit over.  Ask me about it sometime. 

Happy friday! what are your weekend plans??

Delicious Vegetarian Sandwiches

SSSSSAMMMMEEEEEZZZZZZ!

Alright.  I still haven't had any big ideas or innovative bursts of creative energy, but I did make some of my favorite sandwiches for lunch today.  As a new vegetarian (passed the 1 year mark this past thanksgiving!) I often find myself lamenting about the lack of sandwich options available.  Oh, peanutbutterandjelly again?  Sigh.  I miss coldcuts sometimes, I really do!

Cold Cuts!!!???!!!???

So this year has been about a quest to find and procure delicious vegetarian sandwiches. 

As far as places to go for vegetarian sandwiches?  My favorite place is The Better Bean in bridgewater centre.  They even have more than ONE option for vegetarians! Can you believe it???  Most places just slap a bunch of random 'veggies' on a bread product and expect it to satisfy the odd vegetarian who wanders through.  As though black olives, mushrooms, banana peppers and onions makes a satisfying sandwich for most people.  I feel like asking them:  "Would you eat this?  I mean seriously, would you choose this sandwich?"  Because I believe that to be a good sandwich, it must be palatable to most people.  Sure, there will always be people like my dad who won't touch a product unless it has meat or comes with meat in some form, but I'm talking people like The Pigeons or my sister-in-law, who are omnivores who actually enjoy a fucking vegetable, you know?

So sub places like Subway and D'Angelo's offer one kind of sandwich.  If you want what I affectionately term a 'condiment sandwich' then head over to subway, where they'll kindly toss any and all of their various sandwich topping onto your choice of bread for you.  Yum.  Oh, wait, nope.  Aaron will stomach this nonsense but I find it remarkably lackluster and uninspired.  (Many Subways will now offer a veggie patty melt, which can be OK, but is still pretty bleck if you ask me!)

If you want a hot sandwich then try your luck at D'Angelo's, where they'll take what normally tops a steak or chicken sub and cram it into a subroll for you.  Mmm.  Mushrooms peppers and onions with cheese. This can sometimes hit the spot if I feel like smelling like a carney for the rest of the day.

     Classic Vegetable Our Veggie Pokket^® made us famous! It's filled with sautéed sweet peppers, onions, mushrooms, and topped with melted American and Provolone cheese. No wonder it's one of our most popular!   --Oooh, two 'k's and no 'c' in pocket? that MUST be delicious!

Or, many mom&pop places may offer you an eggplant parm sub, if you want a big sloppy mess that has likely not been prepared with any flair, finesse, or understanding of how eggplant ought to be cooked.

But overall most vegetarian sandwich options always leave me saying: "Where's the turkey?", which, by definition, leaves a vegetarian in a quandry.

Hey, where the fuck is the TURKEY?

We have had some success at home, however, creating some sandwiches that are both tasty AND filling, if you can believe it!  Sandwiches that don't seem like they're MISSING something...

So I though you might be interested in a couple o'recipes?!?!?  Yeah, you know you are!!!!

We got a menu for a new sub shop in our mailbox.  It's one of those places that has a theme and a cutesy name for all their sandwiches, you know?  This makes Aaron 'grrrr' outloud, because as far as he could discern the sandwich names have no rhyme or reason for their monikers; the names are just slapped on their and aren't actually evocative of  or indicative of their ingredients.  "What's so 'BABE RUTH' about steaktips, lettuce, tomato and feta?!"

In any case, the only vegetarian option on the menu was the following sandwich, which somehow escaped a baseball name (maybe assusimg ALL baseball players are carnvivores ALL of the time?), and is termed: "The Sicilian".

Buffalo Mozzarella, 

Fresh tomatoes, 

basil,

oregeno, 

olive oil & balsamic vinegar.

Well the other day Aaron decided to make this sammy at home.  He used Fresh Mozz, cut it into slices, used baby spinach in place of fresh basil (as we'd used that all up the night before), sliced up some delicious plum tomatoes and drizzled the whole dealie with balsamic and put it on toasted fiber-enriched potato bread.  Wholly Moley!  It was SOOO filling and delicious and satisfying.  Plus it tasted so FRESH FRESH FRESH!  Mozz is such a clean tasting ingredient!  And the spinach upped the nutritian value too, so it might even be something you want to keep in the sammy even if you happen to have fresh basil on hand.  I think he also mixed up some dried oregeno and basil into the balsamic drizzle.  Yum Sandwich, quite literally!  I like to think of this as a CAPRESE SANDWICH, which makes a helofalot more sense than calling it The Sicilian, which always puts me in mind of smoked, dried meats like prosciutto.  

Now, I make a killer sandwich, which was inspired by my need to have a BLT replacement. Oh the simple, crispy beauty of the BLT, how I missed thee!  A character in a movie I saw ordered a BLT hold the B and add P&C; Pickles and Cheese.  Ok.  I'm not averse to either of those things!

So I set down to make a tasty ass sandwich and here's what's in it:

Lettuce (Or baby Spinach to up the health & nutrician factor!)(Or why not both, if you're saucy!)

Tomato (Take it or leave it. I love the Plum kind.)

Cheese

Vlasic Sandwich Stacker Dill Pickles (AKA Heaven in a Jar!)

and my killer ingredient:  Peeled Carrot slices!

Assemble the above ingredients on toasted bread spread with whatever you like to spread on bread.  I use laughing cow cheese spreads in lieu of mayo, (Swiss, garlic & herb, french onion, oh yummdadummdumm) but if I'm outta laughing cow I find that a good honey mustard works wonderfully!

I buy the biggest, fattest carrots I can manage to get my hot little hands on when I plan on making this sanmmy. And yes, ladies, I do quirk an eyebrow and wonder what the check-out lady thinks of my phallic monstrosities. 

Well, not THAT phallic! lolz.

I also sometimes toy with the idea of playing with my food instead of consuming it, but this sandwich is so good, it is a no-brainer! 

 

(And while others may be into screwing-then-chewing, I have never eaten anything that I've masturbated with...maybe that Popsicle...but 'masturbate' would be a very loose term for that incident, that was more like: 'wouldn't it be soooo sexy if... OH SHIT! THAT IS FUCKING FREEZING! GET IT OUT GET IT OUT GET IT OUT!!!!"  And then, well, they melt, you know, so....  But that banana that other time?  Not even fit for banana bread by the time I'd had my way with it! Anyway.... oh yeah, the sandwich...sorry...)

Now, I don't speak the language, but.... Seems like a good, sanitary message!

Oh man!  I wish I'd taken pictures of my delicious lunch sandwich like EMMY does!  She makes the other veggie sandwich I really dig, but it is a hot sandwich, which is more like a whole Meal,meal: Grilled Cheese with Green apple and Brown Sugar Carmelized onions!  Woot!

So Effing Delish!  Thanks Emmy!

Also, don't underestimate a good Peanut Butter & Banana Sandwich.  Divine.  Or use Almond butter for a healthier twist, and for FLAVAH use a hazelnut spread! 

Another thing that makes a sanwich AWESOMESAUCE  is AVOCADO!  At the bean I've taken to making my own veggie sandwich that goes like this:

Avocado

Green Apple

Cheddar Cheese

Carrots

Honey mustard 

on a baguette (For heft)

I wasn't initially sure about the avocado with the green apple, but let me tell you: it is the cat's pajamas.  So yummy.  It is like a health bomb in my face!  

Hummus is a yummy vegetarian thing to throw on a sandwich.  And I LOVE LOVE LOVE roasted red peppers. And those two things happen to taste fab together. Hearty and warm and so savory. Maybe I'll work on making a sandwich with those guys.

I made OPENFACE sandwiches once which were ambrosia-like, and based off a recipe of my dear friend Adam's.  It involves steps and the overn, which makes it more of a dinner endeavor than a lunchy one, but hey, it is filling and great, so why not have big open face subs for dinner??

Roasted Zuccini (Sliced thin, obv)

Roasted Yellow Zucchini (I believe the official name for this vegetable is Summer Squash)

Roasted Eggplant sliced (would be a good idea if I ever cooked with this item, lol)

Roasted Red Peppers (Sliced)

Sauteed peppers, garlic, and onions

Fresh OR Sauteed Apples & Pears  YUP

CHEESE!  I think I used Mozz and Provolone, but feel free to experiment.

On Open face long sub rolls done up garlic bread style.

Basil?  I probably threw in basil because it roasts up so nicely.

So layer those bitches on the sammy however the fuck you want, prolly putting the sauteed business on top, then sprinkling some delicious shredded cheese of your choice, and throw that stuff back in the oven till it is all melty and browning on top, and VOILA!  One tasty-ass open face masterpiece!

*Not an ACTUAL picture of my handiwork.  An Approximation for illustrative purposes...

Ok, those are the big ones.  I know there have been some more along the way, but obviously the ones with staying power made it to this post.  If I dream up\remember any more then I'll keep you posted.  I made carrot meatloaf sandwiches once and slapped a country gravy over top.  Holy christ that was yum city.  But, then, anything with country gravy tends to be yum city.

Oh, and please note that I have not included EGG sandwiches of any kind, as that is a whole breakfast miliue that I don't care to get into at present.  I like egg sandwiches, but that felt like a separate type of category, don't you think?

How about you guys?  Have any splendid ideas for filling and tasty vegetarian sandwiches?  Any hints or tips?  Lemme know!

Manna from Heaven!  Making sandwiches taste like sandwiches since 1942!

ADDENDUM:

Who amongst you thought the title of this blog was an invite to a sexual funfest betwixt myself and my husband? LOL.   This one's for you:

"I eat Vegetarian..."

Horoscope?

Something finally breaks loose today. Your restrained river of creativity could burst, sending a flow of big ideas and original visions into your awareness. The real issue is about expressing your experiences in a manner that others will be able to understand. Your need to be seen and appreciated is strong now, so don't be afraid to let others know what's going on in your imagination.

Funnily enough, I feel NO creative energy at the mo.  lol.  thanks anyway horoscope, for giving me something to work toward before the end of the day!

Snowden McSnowday

No School again tomorrow!  I know I should be more concerned about the money, but after driving in today's 'end of days' white-out, I have to say I am just glad to release my mind from fretting and stressing about road conditions and whatnot. 


How are you?  I am alright.  I'm not having an especially fun time sorting through my Cedar Falls stuff and trying to pin down a perfect order.  I guess I thought it would be barrels of fun, but it is not.  Mostly I just get imbarrassed by my glaring typos or awkward syntax or downright mediocre work, and then I am glum.  And uninspired. 

And this was supposed to be a fun outlet, right?  A neat lil hobby.  It kinda feels like a bit of a pain in the ass at present. 

But I WANT to get it done.  I want to transfer everything over and have it over with.  I believe I will feel good when that is accomplished.  Perhaps I can work more on it tonight and tomorrow too.  Because despite how awful much of the writing it, I have a deep affection for it for some reason.  A certain shy pride.  And I want to share it.  Weird, right?  Because so often I wish I'd never told anyone about this bizarre little compulsion to write these useless stories.  But I do.  I do want to share them and have people find them fun and addicting the way I do.

Ugh.  This is worse than being a fucking actor, I tell you.  Gross.

But wonderful, in its way.

Hey guess what?  My houseguest shoveled the stairs today before I got home, without having to even be asked!  WHAAAAAT?  It's a post-christmas miracle!  I expressed my sincere thanks for it and felt much more cheerful because of it.  Too little too late?  Oh, most definitely, lol.  But a nice surprise to come home to when your arms are full of groceries and you're glad to be home alive.

Play date tomorrow possible!  Pending weather conditions and ambition, lol.