THEME PARTY!

Arrrrrrr.  The title of this blog post be intentionally misleadin' ye....

Many blogs have a theme.  Topics that they cover.  This keeps them from becoming, as mine has always been, someone's public diary.

So I had to ask myself-- if I were to blog-- REALLY BLOG, the way the art form has developed-- what on Earth would I blog ABOUT?

There are tons of blogs about being a vegetarian, featuring recipes and humorous anecdotes about the shopping hazards and the numerous misunderstandings we veggies find ourselves in at social gatherings.

There are blogs about how to make your food items appear anthropomorphic.  As if I didn't already have enough trouble simply assembling the food in the first place.

There are plenty of teacher blogs out there--chock full of lesson plans, sage advice, and humorous anecdotes about the hilarity which ensues when students misunderstand, or posit, or say dumb things.

Knee slappers, am I right teachers?

There are any number of theatre blogs!  Blogs worshipping the art form; blogs giving tips on performing monologues and scenes; audition blogs; broadway gossip blogs; blogs for drama teachers, featuring hints and tips, humorous anecdotes, materials, links, resources...

So cuuuuuuuuute!  But seriously.  I've got a BFA and a fucking Master's degree in this shit, and I gotta tell ya:         JAZZ HANDS--they fucking WORK!

There are PLENTY (and I do mean PLENTY) of sex related blogs.  All the kinds of sex you could want to investigate?  They're out there.   Oral Blogs, Anal Blogs, Fisting Blogs, Fingering Blogs, Dominant blogs, submissive blogs, menage-a-blogs, swinger blogs, orgy blogs, gay les bi transgender blogs, and a whole whole whole lot more.

Something for everyone.  Hey, I don't judge.

There are video game blogs, for players, designers, and aficionados.

There are blogs for all interests.  Parenting blogs.  Eco friendly blogs.  Tattoo blogs.  TV blogs. Photo blogs. Music blogs.  Bob Loblaw's Law Blog.  Shoe blogs, bag blogs, fashion blogs, HIGH fashion blogs, fashion-on-a-buget blogs.  Style blogs, engineering blogs, science blogs, pirate blogs, history blogs, future blogs, decorating blogs, secret blogs, thank-you blogs of appreciation, baking blogs, baked blogs, grammar blogs, arts-and-crafts blogs and, subsequently, blogs that will ridicule ridiculous arts and crafts;  blogs about how to blog.  Blogs that rank the best blogs. 

There are blogs featuring photos of dogs upside down and then flipped right-side up.  Seriously.

Literally.  A blog for all needs, all conceivable interests, whims, notions, and fancies.  A blog for all diets, budgets, countries, circumstances and specifications.  A blog for kittehs, comedy, and failure on all levels.

Starting to feel me?

So what, in the name of all that is good and true and original in this world, would I ever choose as the "Theme" of this blog?

I will ruminate on this awhile.  Because I believe it would be a great goal and exercise to set for myself to try and keep with a theme.

Afterall, I gave myself the challenge of writing daily, and I accomplished that.  Not to say anything great came of it... but I ACCOMPLISHED it, goddammit, and that is what we call an ACHIEVEMENT.  Small and personal though it may be, it is something about which I glow with pride.

So I'mma think on what I might not hate blogging about time and again, and get back to you.  I will try and think of something that is flexible but definitely narrowed.  Narrowed down from 'anyfuckingthingthatcomesintomyconsciousness' will be a nice sort of filter to start with, won't it?

And one of my favorite blogs:  A comic blog that takes The work of Jim Davis, and makes one small edit to it, that catapults it from cute sunday-morning funnies into the upper echelon of bizarrely genius social commentary, and a disturbingly hilarious look at the human condition... Garfield Minus Garfield.

And the runner up for the SEX BLOGS:

Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk

The reality of it.

I had anticipated the end of my first school year feeling like sweet, giddy relief. 

Instead it is more stressful and jaw-clenching than the beginning of the year was.

Teaching has not gotten easier.  Classroom management has gotten harder. 

And I feel as though I'm back at the drawing board--life wise.

I'm sorry to post in such a blue mood.  I have honestly been more upbeat on a more regular basis than I have been in years (YEARS, folks.), but I guess there are still bound to be off days.

Good news items:  I have a baby nephew scheduled to be delivered THIS WEEK!  We're bummed that it has to be c-section, but the tubby little guy is growing very big and being stubborn about getting into position, so I guess they're going in after him!  Oh my goodness, a whole new person to meet and love!

And a mystery baby is also due any time now.  My sister-in-law told me to 'pack a bag', because she went four weeks early with her first child.  So I could be getting that middle-of the night phone call any night, telling me to get my sleepy ass over to their apartment to watch their sleeping babes.

And I do suppose, at the end of the day, that I will be enormously relieved when this school year is through.  When I can stop pretending.  When I can move on to summer.

And who knows where else from there?

I wish I had the courage to make some huge leap of faith.  To radically change who I am, what I do, and where I'm headed.

But if you've met me you'll know I'm a soul wrought with anxieties.  A spirit fettered in the relentless shackles of doubt and misgivings.  Afraid.  Lacking the confidence to even form a dream, let alone follow one.

Everything I can think of that I'd like/love/want to do for a living?  I end up convincing myself that I am unqualified/too inexperienced/don't stand a chance/could never break into the industry now.

So the end of this year is looking bleaker than I'd imagined.

I'm counting my blessings.  I'm awash with silver linings.  I'm seeing bright sides.  I'm looking for those open windows as the door slams hard on my ass.

But I'm tired.  My determination is a grim, uninspired, resigned sort of thing.

I'm here but I'm not.  And I'm so very painfully here.

I imagined it differently.

Isn't that always the case?

All the Happy...

It has become clear that I went into the wrong profession.  There's just too much.  Too much I don't know, too much I'm too far behind on, too much political crap, too much at stake, too much of a learning curve, too much to learn in too little time.

I knew there'd be a difference between teaching drama and teaching English.  I was a fool to ever think I was even vaguely qualified for this position.

 Am I a complete disaster?  No.  No, I'm not.  I think I've done some decent work here.  I believe I've done more good than harm.  But that isn't enough.  It just isn't enough to be mediocre in this line of work.  Our students need and deserve the very best.  The most capable.  The brilliant, the innovative, the inspired, the creme de la creme.

I don't want to be the stereotype; I can't do anything else, so I'm a teacher.

However.

What the hell else am I going to do now?

I've sunk my financial future into this sinking ship.  Looks like I'll be bailing for a while, unless I can figure out--quick--how to build myself one hell of a liferaft.

Actor
Singer
Director
Writer
Children's author
Playwright
Screenwriter 
Award-winning blogger
Drama Teacher
Drama Professor
English Teacher
'50's housewife (I don't clean)
Prostitute (no bennies)
Entrepreneur

 My mother suggested I look into real estate.

Aaron recently suggested I should break into porn directing.  When I gave him 'that look', he shrugged and said that it might be time to start thinking outside the box.  Or all up inside the box. 

In any event, it is beginning to look like all my skills and credentials will not be the source of my success.  I have ZERO capital to invest in a re-education campaign.  This is it.  It is looking bleak. 

Is there a way I can get paid to do whatever the fuck I feel like?

I'd probably suck at that too.

"But I don't really feel like doing that."
"I don't understand, all you have to do is whatever you want..."
"Yeah, I'm not comfortable with that much creative control.  I'd rather be told what to do once in a while..."

I'm beginning to think I just may never find the balance.  Never find peace and joy in the career realm.  Perhaps it is because I have so much peace and joy in the love and family realm-- perhaps I've tipped the scales too far.  Perhaps it just isn't possible for ordinary folks to have all the happy. 

Poor Nutsy

"Through the 'One Way Door', sister."