A mediocrity now and always

I don't know.

It is year's end and a time for reflection, they say.

Reflection never goes well for me.

But neither does looking forward.

All around me people are seeing thier wishes come true, are unlocking success, are becoming what they've wanted to be or doing what they've yearned to do and I...

am lost.

utterly and completely.

the only thing tethering me to the here and now is the one person I feel most guilty about.

he shouldn't love me.  I'm unworthy of it.

and but for him, I think I'd not be here to bitch and moan into a blank blog post screen.

am I lucky?  Or cursed to a life of torture, guilt, and meaningless toil?

This year has been so good for so many.

Tragic for others.

for me it has been misery.  Pain.  endless doubt, ceaseless instability.

I want to be happy for those who have everything I do not.  I want to be grateful for all that I do have. 

But being the terrible, wicked person that I am, I am not those things.

I'm bitter.  and lonely.  and resentful. and hopeless.

stuck and sour.

tomorrow I have to force myself to go christmas shopping.

the next day I must endure the holiday surrounded by family, pretending that I'm happy.

When I want nothing more than

ok.  decision time.  I am not blogging anymore.

I think when one has reached the abolute nadir, there's really no point, right?

no one wants to read it, because no one wants to know it.

I don't want it.

incomparable?  I hardly think so.